I would really appreciate some outside perspectives because I don't trust my own judgement on this anymore.
I have two children (ages 2 and 4), and one of the biggest differences between my mother-in-law and me has always been around sweets and treats.
For some context, I have struggled with significant anxiety and OCD, and this issue has become a major trigger for me. I'm not looking for validation that she's terrible or that I'm terrible—I genuinely want objective opinions because I know my own thinking can become distorted.
When my oldest was around 2½, we hadn't really introduced many sweets. My mother-in-law has always been excited about being the kind of granny who spoils her grandchildren. She has openly said that's something she looks forward to.
The first incident happened at my husband's birthday. There were other children there, everyone had cake, and she gave all the children, including my daughter, about half a glass of Coke. I was upset because she hadn't asked us first, but we decided not to say anything because it felt like a once-off.
After that, she would sometimes bring treats for the kids, but she would hand them to my husband or me rather than directly to the children. We could then decide whether or not to give them to the kids. Quite often I actually didn't, and sometimes I ate them myself. She never followed up asking whether they had eaten them or pressured us to give them to the children.
One time she brought a small tube of condensed milk that was marketed for children. I wasn't comfortable giving it to them, so I didn't. Again, she never made an issue of it.
At one point I mentioned that I would appreciate fewer sugary treats. After that, she started bringing healthier snacks, sugar-free options, or treats with less sugar. She still liked bringing little things for the children, but she did make an effort to choose healthier options. We never specifically asked her to stop bringing treats altogether because we felt that might be unnecessary or hurtful.
Another incident happened around my daughter's third birthday. The day before her birthday she'd already had quite a few sweets at another family celebration, so we had decided to keep things more toned down the next day.
There was a tray of marshmallows sitting where the children could reach it. My daughter wanted another marshmallow but couldn't quite reach the tray. My mother-in-law lowered it so she could take another one. My husband immediately stepped in and said, "That's enough now," and my mother-in-law immediately took the tray away without arguing.
Later, when drinks were being handed out, I asked that my daughter have water instead of juice because she'd already had plenty of sweet things, and my mother-in-law gave her water.
The biggest disagreement happened when she looked after the children for about nine hours. Before we left, we specifically asked her not to give them sweets or treats. When we got home, she told us she'd given them each a small (40 g) packet of chips.
I was really upset because I felt we'd been clear. I sent her a message thanking her for looking after them but saying I would have preferred that they hadn't had the chips. She was hurt by my message and responded defensively.
The following day we met for coffee, and I explained how I felt about sweets and why it mattered to me.
Since then, things have actually improved. She still brings treats sometimes, but she often chooses healthier options. If she brings pudding or something similar, she'll specifically put it aside and make it clear that it's for us to decide whether and when the children have it. She also keeps healthier fruit-based ice creams at her house rather than regular ice cream.
So this is where I'm struggling.
On the one hand, I can see that she genuinely enjoys treating her grandchildren and has made some effort to adapt to our preferences.
On the other hand, I still find myself becoming incredibly angry when she makes assumptions about food or treats without checking first.
I've now reached the point where I don't trust my own judgement anymore because my OCD has become so severe around this and other issues that I've even questioned whether I need a boundary after almost every interaction.
My husband feels he's been able to address things as they've come up. He says that sometimes a boundary is needed and sometimes it isn't, and that I tend to want a boundary for almost everything. I don't think he automatically takes his mother's side—he's usually quite fair and is happy to point out when she's in the wrong—but we genuinely see this differently.
So I'd really like honest opinions.
Does my mother-in-law sound like someone who is repeatedly overstepping as a grandparent, or does she sound more like a typical grandparent who occasionally gets carried away with treats but generally respects us when we speak up?
Would you be having repeated boundary conversations in this situation, or would you simply deal with things in the moment as they arise?
I'm genuinely asking because I know my OCD can make me see situations as much bigger than they are, and I don't want to damage an important family relationship if my reactions are out of proportion.