feel like I’ve failed my daughter today and I don’t know what the right thing is anymore.
My 12-year-old is awaiting an ADHD/autism assessment and has developed severe school anxiety.
This morning she had a huge panic in the car outside school. She was hyperventilating, scratching herself, rubbing her face and repeatedly saying, “I can’t.”
I encouraged her to go in because I’m terrified that if I bring her home every time she’s anxious, her world will become smaller and smaller. She has also told me that she wants to be able to cope and doesn’t want her anxiety to control her life, so I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing.
Throughout the day she texted saying she was terrified, panicking, that it was unbearable and begging me to collect her. I reassured her, contacted the school and asked them to check on her, but I spent the whole day feeling sick with guilt.
When I picked her up she was upset that I hadn’t collected her earlier, but after a cry and a cuddle we talked it through. I apologised that she’d felt so alone, explained why I’d made the decision I did and told her how proud I was of her for getting through the day. She then seemed much happier and was even singing, which left me questioning whether I’d completely misjudged everything.
However, by bedtime she was overwhelmed again, saying how scared she was and visibly squirming with anxiety. She didn’t ask to stay home, but we agreed together that she would have tomorrow off to recover from such a difficult day.
The school have been understanding and have put lots of support in place, including a reduced timetable, soft starts, a named adult, wellbeing support and access to a quiet space. There isn’t any bullying. She has friends, but she says she hasn’t found “her people” and finds the whole school environment overwhelming.
To make things even harder, she says she doesn’t want a smaller school because she wants a “normal” school. But she also says she can’t cope where she is. She says she wants the perfect school, but I don’t think that school exists. She doesn’t want to be home educated either, so I feel completely stuck and terrified of making the wrong decision.
Has anyone else been in this position? How did you know when to encourage your child through the anxiety and when to accept that the school environment simply wasn’t the right fit?