Feel like my son's nursery constantly excludes him, I don't know what to do

[Anxiousmummy94]

First time posting and honestly just feel a little lost at the moment. While my 3 year old hasn't been officially diagnosed with anything yet (working on getting assessed) it's clear, and really upsetting, that he's behind compared to the other children in his nursery, limited speech, behavioural issues etc. When he first started they said he would hit and bite a lot, the biting has since stopped but sometimes still hits but some of his teachers say this could be down more to frustration as his speech is not quite there but is slowly getting better.

The thing is I'm often told that he's either on his own a lot or when it comes to activities like school plays, sports days, he's not included. I still remember to this day his teacher saying she "didn't want him to ruin it" when it came to their Christmas play, so during the performance I just sat with him on my lap holding back tears while other parents got to watch their kids on stage, it wouldn't of been so bad if they'd tried just once to encourage him to join in, but they just left him out. Same came when I found out his nursery was having a sports day, absolutely nothing was mentioned until the day before where they said "well he hasn't been practicing with the others so..." so not included again. Thing is my son is so happy when he goes there, he has his little friends that ask about him & miss him when he's not there which makes it so much harder to take him out otherwise I would've done so ages ago.

I've had numerous meetings with his teacher and when we talk it sounds like they're going to do so much but then nothing ever comes of it, I totally get that extra support takes a lot of time but it just feels like they keep him distanced to where there's basically no point for him to even go. I feel like I just really needed a good rant or just someone to talk to about it as I'm finding myself sitting in my car after I drop him off just crying my eyes out because I hate this feeling of being alone, that there's minimal understanding or support, all I want is for the best for my son and I just don't know what to do.

Sounds very hard, as a parent you really want to see your child joining and being encouraged. I say this as a parent of 2 sen children.
I would probably say since he loves going then keep him in, to be honest with sensitive children or can actually make it less enjoyable the more they are "encouraged" to join in for others' benefit.
But in the mean time still pursue sen support and any diagnosis that will help him get support once the pressure does increase by year 1.
I think just let him sit out those high pressure performances and sports day, and keep in contact with the key worker about how they and you can help him find his place.

In what way did the teacher think he would ‘ruin’ the play? Forgetting his lines or poking his tongue out is one thing, a full blown on stage tantrum where other parents can’t hear their own children is another.

He clearly doesn’t like team sports either so why push him?

I’m sorry that your son isn’t being included at Nursery. Is it a school Nursery?
I’d ask for a meeting with the SENCO to see what can be put in place to support him.
You say things take time but have they made referrals to SALT or have any professionals been in to observe him? A specialist teacher from the SEN support service or someone from the SEN EYFS team perhaps.
There’s extra funding, Preschool Inclusion Supplement that they can apply for that can be used for additional support or equipment.
If your son is happy, that’s a start otherwise I might suggest trying a more inclusive setting.
Will this be the school you choose for Reception?
You could apply for an EHCNA to fully assess his needs and hopefully provide support moving forward.
They can’t make him participate and it might lead to distress but some of the language they are using is inappropriate and hurtful for you. There are things they could have done for Sports Day that allowed him to be part of it in some way.

What the fuck?!

Welcome to being a SEND mum. It’s exhausting. Firstly - unemotionally - are there any reasons why the school could justify your DS not being in the nativity / sports day? If, say, Ofsted asked them?

Assuming not - find your calm but righteous anger. They have a responsibility to include your child. Are they saying they cannot meet need?

Is this nursery part of the school he will be in reception / P1 in?

Often children with SEN don’t react well to changes in routine or transitions, especially concerning out of the ordinary activities. I wonder if nursery staff have noticed this with your ds and are trying to avoid situations which will stress him? At a SEN nursery local to me, they don’t tend to do special events any longer, as a lot of the children couldn’t cope.They used to have someone dressed as Santa at Christmas giving out presents, but found it was too disruptive for many of the children.

I would be applying for an EHCP now because it sounds like he's essentially being internally excluded. Is he on SALT and OT waiting lists?

Just wanted to give you some hope. My son never did any joining in. No plays, team games, parties. He did not do PE at school at all. But he always had one or two friends and he had his own talents and interests. He is a professional musician. He is nearly 40 now and lives with his partner who is also a musician and they have lifelong friendships.
I guess he would have a diagnosis these days.
I think it's good the nursery are not making him do things that would stress him. Although they could be more sensitive in how they explain it to you! He is different. That's okay. Try to accept that and let him find the things that interest him.

I think I would have taken him out and moved him to another setting the second I heard a teacher say he couldn't participate in the play because he would ruin it. That should never happen.

I also get what you're saying about the relief of him having friends and not wanting to remove him from that. I am in the same situation. I have left it, as there's no alternative at the moment. But it is heart breaking to know he usually spends break time walking the perimeter of the playground alone, is constantly bullied by other children and unprotected by shitty teachers.

If I could go back in time, I would move him the moment issues became apparent. I think you should look into a different nursery.

That’s really crap

At 3 years old it is surely expected that one or two kids will act up in a show. Parents will understand, or should do. Many nurseries don’t do shows at this age! Not wanting that child to “ruin it” is not a good reason to leave him out. They could do the show with a member of staff sat close to him to keep him on track or remove him if he’s causing a major disruption- that’s what I remember the DC’s nursery doing.

Sports day, so what if he hasn’t been joining in with the practising, let him come along and have a go.

I agree time to get cross.

If he is hitting and biting that is more tricky as obviously they have a responsibility to other kids too. But again at 3 it is not that unusual for there to be one or two kids who do this and a good nursery should be able to handle it.