Advice for managing my four year old's extreme tantrums and unsafe behaviour

[Newbie234561]

This may be a long and confusing post but I hope someone has some advice. I recently spoke to my health visitor regarding my 3rd child who is 4 years old, his behaviour has worsened over the last year and I am finding it difficult to handle. It’s started with what I thought was just normal toddler frustrations and paddies and is now extreme tantrums, hitting throwing things and hiding in very unsafe spaces. I reached out as I’ve dealt with a lot of different things with him being my 3rd, my second was diagnosed with asd when she was 6 she is now 12. So I’ve handled quite a bit as a parent. His pre school also has mentioned a few things when I have gone to them and I hoped it may just be age related however they too have noticed the frustration, hyperactivity and one mentioned him being difficult with change in routines, she also said she feels there may be more to it with him (I know they tread lightly with these things) the morning I spoke to my health visitor was due to one of the more frightening behaviours. He had gone out of my front door, whilst getting shoes on to leave and hid under my car, me and my older children had been calling his name searched the car and the house I then walked up the road to see if he had ran and whilst walking back I saw him laying under my car with absolutely no emotion on his face still as I called his name to come out and asked why he did that he said he liked it I explained (not the first time) that it’s dangerous and that when I call his name he must answer as it is worrying. I did explain to the health visitor i am not looking for assessments and or labels simply advice on how to manage, she said she feels it’s sensory based and gave me some links to look up however she also said she feels what I am doing is primarily what they would advise and to get back to her in a month after trying. The issue I have is just like everything else it’s works for a short time span (4 days) I just increase the things I was doing and tried more patience and understanding, I say it worked I mean for the most part of the day I could see he was trying his best to behave and ignore impulses, that did just lead to a larger explosion later in the day, day 5 comes around and each thing I was doing seems to make no difference and he is now hitting more and lashing out more. I feel he understand this is wrong as he does apologise and I can see the regret. But in the moment it’s as though the consequence does not matter. I would rather avoid the lengthy heart breaking assessments and skip to how best help him- and myself so I don’t lose my mind 😂 if anyone has any advice and has dealt with this I would hugely appreciate it. Thank you

That must have been terrifying. Are you able to fit a deadlock to the Front door and a Video Doorbell so that it makes it more difficult for him to get out and the video will hopefully show you which way he went if he ever does get out again.

My DF also has an escape artist. She has the videos and the deadlocks. She also has locks on the garden gates and a bolt on each door high up. They also have to keep the keys in them at all times.

I can understand a little of why you don’t want assessment. You have one with ASD already and you know that it is highly hereditary, so it’s really likely that this is was is going on here.

Lots of things you can access without an assessment too.

You can apply for an EHC Needs Assessment. These are based on need. I would do those now, especially if he’s due to start School in September.

You can apply for DLA. Again this is based on need rather than diagnosis.

Another thing to do is progress checker. If it says that “he needs some support” you’ll need to ask your HV for a referral for SaLT and a hearing test, just to rule out Glue Ear.

You can also ask your HV for a referral for Occupational Therapy.

Id also recommend asking in the Asan Children Section as this board seems to be full of posters telling you to just get a grip atm

IME when there is family history they tend to take things a lot more seriously and look towards assessment more quickly.

Yes to OT and SALT potentially being helpful.

You might need to control the environment ie have him physically contained or holding hands (or on reins) at all times if he has no awareness of danger and no understanding of dangerous things being explained. You can get door alarms which alert you that he has opened the door.

As he said he likes lying under the car, it might be that being contained in a small, compact space makes him feel comforted and safe. You could look to create a similar hidey hole for him at home but where it is safe. Perhaps under a bed (with instructions to siblings not to jump on this bed without checking underneath) or desk, or something like a sensory tent can be made fairly cheaply at home.

Would recommend these resources too, you might already know some of them.

The Explosive Child - Ross Greene
Big Baffling Behaviours - Robyn Gobbel
The Out of Sync Child

Thank you so much for replying,

I think I was hoping for a get a grip lol I did the progress checker and it did say about additional support 😔 it did however email me some resources so that’s helpful,

your reply is so thoughtful and helpful I really do appreciate it, I think for now I will play out the full month as suggested by hv but I have emailed the pre school to ask for more information on how they deal with things to see if I can match that and it make a difference possibly.

I have a chain lock that is always on and my front door has a twist handle without a key needed so isn’t helpful lol, it happened to be hot so I had already gone outside to open car windows and he had never done that before (he has hidden behind the bins, back of the car and in the car) so it completely threw me. I will look at getting the camera though.

Thank you, he was referred to speech and language before he turned 3 by his Pre-School as forming words are difficult, as time went on it improved but he skips words in sentences so he underwent a 6 week course we completed that and I still do the cards at home daily with him, she said they would see what happens once he starts reception and he would likely need more.

I believe he does have some understanding and seems interested when I’m explaining dangers, it’s just that in the moment he is seeking something and it takes over. We have lots of spaces I’ve created at home such as his tent, reading corner in his room with a bean bag and blanket which he loves, and there is a section in my lounge (between sofa and wall) he enjoys sitting in.

i think it’s difficult as I altered my parenting very early on with my daughter and although there were challenging times, she thrived off routine so as long as we stuck to that things would run smoothly. What I’m experiencing now it feels the opposite lol what he enjoys and feels calm with one day can have the opposite effect the next. He is also a chatter box and with his speech delay can get very frustrated and starts the day negatively sadly.