How do I handle my mother-in-law favouring my sister-in-law's children?

[Willsoo]

Mother in law favouring her daughter's children. Please can I have some advice on how to manage this situation with my MIL. I have 3 chn now, including a baby girl who is 4 months old. My SIL has 2 chn and works full time. I have always had an up/down relationship with my MIL. I used to live down south where my husband is from and when I had one child my MIL was a great help, at times very involved and too much but I was very grateful for her help. She minded my children 2-3 days a week when I went back to work. When my SIL's children first born arrived, it all changed. She started to see us less and less, appeared to visit her new grand son a lot more than my children. It was upsetting but I had an idea it would happen as my SIL is very reliant on her parents for support and close to her mum. Nevertheless, I would often call her MIL my 'southern mum' as she replaced the family I had up north.

A few years ago we decided to move up north, mostly due to financial reasons and wanting a bigger house. This didn't go down well with my MIL. I knew she was unhappy about it. My family were up north but definitely haven't paid as much attention to the chn as I would of liked. We try and visit down south as much as possible and stay with my in laws. Sadly my chn rarely get quality time with their grand parents because my SIL/s chn are always there. My SIL has gone back to work full time and has the chn 4-5 days a week, which is obviously a lot. I understand the relationship is going to be different now we live 250 miles away but we never hear from my MIL anymore, rarely get a message asking how we are, lack of check ins with my new baby- it really hurts. Whenever she does visit, she talks about her other gran-children all the time and it winds me up so much. She takes my SIL's chn to see Father Christmas, offers more child care, minds them when her daughter is off work and capable of having them. I now don't talk to my SIL due to all this and has caused lots of problems. How can I get over my chn feeling second best?? It's so hard visiting and staying with them when her children are always there. Many thanks x

Stop comparing what she does for your kids v what she does for someone else's. They're all her grandkids and she can do as she pleases.

You can't force her to spend more time with your children. So just make sure they have a happy enriched life and just see her as and when.

You shouldn't really have such expectations of her as you don't seem to have any for your own mum. In terms of childcare, bonding with your kids etc.

If she's looking after three children she probably didn't have a minute to herself.

You need to stop keeping score in your head like this. It only leads to misery and protecting all sorts of motivations onto people that they probably don’t have at all. Sounds like your MIL gave you heaps of help when you were local; now she gives heaps of help to your SIL. She is probably just trying to do her best with the time she has and supporting everyone. To expect her to try to balance everything strictly 50/50 at all times when the GC are different ages and one lot live close and one lot further away isn’t realistic.

You don’t need to wait for her to “ask” about your DC. If there isn’t a family what’s app group, set one up for you all to share pictures and little snippets about what you are all doing. My parents are doting GC but they don’t ring and ask how the GC are - they know we are super busy so don’t want to bother us with calls, but are always delighted when we or the GC call them, and to see all the photos etc of what we are doing.

She takes my SIL's chn to see Father Christmas, offers more child care, minds them when her daughter is off work and capable of having them. I now don't talk to my SIL due to all this and has caused lots of problems.

You chose to live a large distance away, it’s insane that you would stop speaking to your SIL because her mother does these things with her kids.
I don’t really think you have a leg to stand on, MIL minded your child for 3 days a week until there were 2 babies in the family and she couldn’t mind them both.

You can’t dictate that the other grandchildren are not there when your children visit, that’s actually beyond abnormal. Most people would want to foster a relationship between cousins.

How does your DH feel about you refusing to speak to his sister?

Do you like your MIL as a person? You only seem to be talking about the MIL appliance!

however, my MIL always favoured her daughter over my H and I knew she’d be the same with grandchildren so I just made sure that my DC were never with MIL at the same time as her other GC. So they never noticed.

You’ve stopped speaking to your SIL???
I don’t think that’s going to go down very well with any of your in laws.
Sounds like your MIL has her hands full and now you’ve moved away it’s harder for her to be as hands on or as involved, probably natural given the distance.

You had alot of help before SIL children arrived and you chose to move 250 miles away. Of course your children's relationship isn't going to be the same as your SIL children if you live so far away.

The fact you have stopped speaking to your SIL over your MIL actions is likely to push them closer and you further out.

MIL is free to divide her time as she wishes, you can't dictate that. She may feel she was very hands with you when your DC were smaller, now she wants to be hands on with SIL.

Never expect anything when it comes to childcare and seeing your children, just be grateful for what you do get.

Easier said than done but just don't focus on it.

If you still want to visit, can you arrange in advance to do something with just her & your children so they can have her to themselves for just a day? (Oh dc would love to do this with you. Any chance you are free?) She can then give her daughter advance warning that she's unavailable that day. If she wants to, she will.

My mil always prioritised her dd's kids. Ours & bil's never were treated ewually. Ours were the youngest dgc so having seen how she treated bil's kids I had very few expectations.

She probably feels she was very hands on when yours were young, and now she wants to return that favour to SIL. end of the day you choose to move 250 miles away, she didn’t. The fact you’ve stopped speaking to your SIL over this is really immature.

Wow, I’d say your MIL has gone above and beyond with both sets of grandchildren. She must be exhausted.
You have moved away, so can’t expect things to be the same as previously and she’s free to do as she pleases ultimately.
I don’t think you should not be speaking to your SIL - how will this help your relationship with your MIL who will obviously be aware of this? It just creates tension.
I would set up a family WhatsApp as suggested above. I think you need to reflect a bit. What does your husband think? Does he not want to see his nieces/ nephews as well when visiting his parents?

This was my MIL when my DC were little. We lived around 100 miles away so never had regular weekday childcare but they did have our DC overnight every couple of months so that we could have a night out on our own. My PIL’s saw my SIL’s DC every weekend and MIL, whenever we spoke on the phone, always talked much more about her DD’s kids. Generally, when my DC were at PIL’s overnight, my SIL’s DC were also there, so it wasn’t very often it was just my DC with the PIL’s.
I used to resent it a bit but gradually learned to let it go. We were the ones who had moved away so we did feel it was up to us a bit more to try to foster a good relationship and tbf, my PIL’s did bring my DC home to us when they’d had them overnight.
Now, my DC who are all adults, have a close relationship with my MIL and with their cousins and each of my DC live further away from DH’s side of the family than they did as children/teenagers.
The point I’m trying to make is try to keep the relationships forming and growing for all of them.

It’s not always easy to stop seeing what appears to be unfair but resentment will only grow if you let this become bigger than it needs to be.

Why don’t you talk to SIL?

You can’t possibly expect to have the same relationship as SILS DC when you live so far away.

It would be wise to accept that you cannot change MILS feelings or behaviour. Although falling out with SIL probably hasn’t helped your case.

Just focus on your own life and relationships with your friends and family. Leave ILS to your DH to manage.

Not talking to your SIL is really immature, it’s not her fault you moved away and your relationship with your MIL has changed!

Blimey, poor woman can’t win. She’s raised her own DC. Is close to her DD. Provided free childcare and support to her DS and DDilL when they had their first child. Looks after her DD’s dc so that their mother can work and keep a roof over their head.

Her DS andDiL have moved away but she visits. She also accommodates them when they visit the family down south.

Blimey! The woman is a saint.

There are women up and down the country who would bite your hand off to swap MiLs.

It’s a tough one. I think my brother may say that my mother favours my children over his. She definitely is much closer to them. A lot of that is that I’m in a lot more contact with my mum. We catch up over FaceTime most days and so she gets lots of updates on my kids that way. Also, I know she feels much more comfortable caring for my kids than my brother’s. She is always cautious of overstepping or stepping on toes with his children, but she feels more relaxed with mine because our parenting styles are very similar and I pretty much give her free reign to look after them / discipline them as she likes, because we’re aligned in our parenting styles. I’m also confident and comfortable saying if I don’t want her to do something or to do something differently. All these factors contribute to having a very relaxed and easy relationship between her and the kids.

By comparison, my brother and his wife communicate a lot less frequently with my mum and they do have a different parenting style (not wrong, just different) that makes my mum more cautious about how she behaves around the children.

I don't think it’s an intentional thing, just something that has happened as a result of the factors i mentioned.

In my case though, it hasn’t caused any obvious resentment. But my sister-in-law enjoys a close bond with her mum and the kids are very close with her. Do you think your family not showing the interest you hoped is magnifying how you feel? If yes, perhaps your resentment is directed at the wrong people?

This to be honest!

As someone who’s MIL is a real arsehole, and FIL for that matter, whom have never met one of our children and haven’t seen the other in over a year, nor ever asked about them once in that time, I’d love to swap!

You cannot expect MIL to have the same relationship with your children who live 250 miles away as she does with children she see’s every day, you’d be really silly to believe otherwise.

Honestly, I think you need to come to terms with the fact that your children probably won’t have the same relationship with their GPs as your SIL’s children will.

YOU chose to move away but first and foremost it’s her daughter, she’s bound to favour her. You get that surely? If you have children, a daughter, imagine treating a woman your son decides to marry in 30 years time the same as the little girl you are bringing up now. Someone you carried, gave birth to, breastfed, brought up. It’s just not the same at all and it’s been exacerbated by the fact you have moved away and chosen to be closer to your family.

Look at the positives.
You moved and now have a bigger house.
You are closer to your own mother.

Your children will have a wonderful relationship with their cousins if they see them when at MIL's.

You need to face reality.
Your MIL has a job. She cares for her other GC.
While working, she obviously has you and yours to visit too.
That is generous.

Visit more often.
Organise outings with a niece or nephew sometimes and give MIL a small break.
Start talking to SIL and stop feeling resentful that she and her mother are close. Go on outings and play dates with SIL.

You are completely mad and insanely entitled. Your MIL helped you loads in the past when you needed it to the point of providing free childcare two or three days a week . You moved 250 miles away, she's now committed to helping with her local grandchildren, and you're sulking because your own family whom you now live near aren't paying as much attention to your children as you'd expected, and you're annoyed your MIL doesn't drop everything to see your children when you visit, AND you've fallen out with your SIL because of it.

This is on you, OP. Grow up.

I know that seeing dc left out a bit by their GPs is always hurtful to the parents op, so I understand your feelings.

However, I think in this case you are being a bit unfair.

Firstly, and most importantly, you moved.

Secondly, 4-5 days a week is a LOT. Poor MIL! 😬

But, given she seems to be surviving that, it is normal and natural she will bond more with them in those circumstances. Humans do bond by spending time together.

ETA I mean maybe move back and let her have them 4-5 days a week. I'm not of course suggesting that, but making the point that I think you'd find she would treat yours more similarly if that were the case.

It sounds like you're expecting your MIL to play a mum role to you, but she's not your mum, you moved far away, and you've always had an up/down relaitonship with her. Of course her relationship with her daughter, and therefore her daughter's children, is going to be different. What is your MIL's relationship with your DH like?

Your kids do not feel second best, you feel that! They are just happy to see their gp and cousins when they visit.

There were 27 grandchildren on my mum’s side and 2 of which lived next door to our grandparents. I and many of the others visited for the school summer holidays every year and never once did I feel second best to the cousins that were cared for regularly by my GPs. Didn’t even enter my head.

Don’t ruin the relationship your DC has with their gp because you’d like extra support from them.

You dont speak to your SIL because of this? How ridiculous.

Who do you think is going to support your MIL more in her old age?

I had a very similar experience. My family (who live in the same village as us were not that bothered/ had their own stuff going on. Mil and fil live 45 min away were equally not that bothered. We just mucked through and never expected much but when dns were born, suddenly mil and fil were the best grandparents ever to sils kids and pretty much became second parents to dns constantly babysitting and arranging sleepovers for them but never for my dc.
Also same when we visit they are always there!!
I spent years being jealous, comparing, complaining. But eventually i realised the only person I was making unhappy was myself and causing issues with me and dh.
I stopped making effort (as I felt resentful it wasn’t reciprocated) left dh to arrange visits/catch up. I still see them but I’ve stopped expecting anything and I’ve stopped watching for what dsil has. I’m a lot happier for it.

When she was involved you said it was too much for your liking . She probably picked up on your energy . Stop being jealous of the relationship she has with her daughter. You chose to move and are not getting the reaction from your own family that you thought you would so more time to brew on your mother-in-law . She’s done enough for you .