I’m really struggling with my 9yo DD. She has always been a very sensitive child, but she turned 9 in May and it’s like she’s had a personality transplant.
She wants more independence but is also hyper emotional. I know it’s all very normal at this age, but I cannot speak to her without her whinging and crying.
She will say she doesn’t want to talk about it, but she does. I sit and wait for her to finally tell me and then it’s always so minor ( a teacher asked her why she was inside at lunch rather than outside for example or it is entirely in her head i.e. she said her rabbit was looking at her like it didn’t like her the other day!).
I realise these issues are not minor to her, but I just feel she needs to get a grip sometimes. She is incredibly negative; she is always focusing on what’s wrong or some perceived failing and never on anything positive. For example, she scored three goals out of six in a game at school but focused on the fact she was paired up with a girl from another class in the warmup and that made her sad. Not the fact they won, and she was fundamentally crucial to that win! She is very down on herself all the time.
I try and offer empathy, rather than ‘fix’ every problem for her – tbh most problems can’t be fixed. But this isn’t getting us anywhere, and I’m starting to wonder if she’s almost making up what has upset her because it is getting her attention.
I thought that probably meant I needed to connect with her a bit more, but I have put loads of mummy / daughter dates in the diary and done activities she loves with her but it doesn’t change a thing. I am still constantly met with whinging and crying over nothing.
Her dad gets none of this. For example, she was happy and fine yesterday after school, but when I got home from work she was waiting for me at the door ready to breakdown. But no hint of this to her dad. Took me an hour to get what was wrong out of her and it was again very minor. She then refused to go to bed saying she doesn’t have to do what I say. Two hours after I got in and I hadn’t even managed to go to the toilet, never mind change and sort out the mess of the house etc, so I can feel myself getting increasingly wound up.
I reminded her that when she goes to bed later, she wakes up later and that upsets her as she wants me to do her hair and eat breakfast with her before I leave for work. But if she’s late I can’t. She still would not go to sleep, and so she didn’t get up today and I had to wake her before I left. I left enough time to do her hair, but she had a toddler level meltdown that she had overslept so there was then no time. In the past when she’s that upset, I’ve gone into work late, but I didn’t today as I felt she needed the consequence of not having listened to me yesterday but now I’m beating myself up for leaving.
I think maybe I need to set some firmer boundaries round it, leave her to be upset and say come and find me if you want to talk. But then I sit there worrying I’m not there when she needs me. It’s just all so exhausting and I don’t know what to do with her. I think she needs to get some perspective and realise everyone has problems. But then am I expecting way too much of a 9yo? But equally I don’t want to indulge hour long crying over absolutely nothing.
I realise this is hormone related, but I feel we are facing this moody person for the next 6 yrs and I’m at a total loss on how to deal with her – especially if I am not going to lose my mind in the process.