Young adult DDs remember only negative parts of their childhood

[scoobydo99]

I'm just wondering if this is common? For most ofDDs' primary school years I negotiated term-time working only, so holidays were relaxed and focused on them. Days were quite chilled with them very much taking the lead on what we did, particularly as they got a bit older. There was regular swimming, skating, playdates, trips to the woods, picnics and play parks (often with friends), interspersed with more major trips to the coast, theme parks, farms, London, the cinema and children's shows. We went on regular caravan holidays, mostly to the seaside which they both loved, and they enjoyed being on campsites and meeting other kids. They always seemed so happy and in particular had really lovely summer holidays.

However, now they are late teens / early 20s and if they talk about their childhoods they only ever mention negative things. They only seem to remember being stung by a wasp, or a friend being mean to them. They don't seem to remember any of the fun they had. I find it really depressing that they are so negative when I did all I could to make those times child-centred and fun. I've actually put loads of photos of them on the wall quite clearly having a blast in the hope it will help them remember the positive times.

I know people will come on here saying "they were probably having a terrible time really and were just pretending" but unless they should really both be on a scholarship at RADA that really isn't the case. Both had quite difficult teen years and were diagnosed as neurodivergent, so whether this is an element I don't know. I just find it so sad.

It's the same as comments though - you need ten positive ones to balance every negative one. Negative experiences impact us much much more than positive ones - it's a primitive survival skill so that mistakes aren't repeated. They'll remember the good times too.

I heard once that children who have happy childhoods don't tend to remember much of the detail - it's the trauma which sticks in people's minds.
If their worst memories are being stung by a bee, then they've clearly had a fab childhood, whether they remember it or not!

I have a son who I think isn't neurotypical (not diagnosed but seems to have become more apparent in early adulthood). He has rewritten his childhood with a negative slant - perception isn't always truth. I'm sure there were things which weren't perfect - whose life is? And as parents, we are often learning as we go along. But we do our best. And a lot of the good stuff gets buried in the moaning about what wasn't perfect.

Sadly this is a far from an unusual occurrence. Hypercritical adult offspring. Just waiting for mine to jump on the bandwagon! Have you explained how sad it makes you feel as you really tried to give them a good childhood?

Just because they don’t seem to remember it doesn’t mean that it didn’t have an impact on their life. In fact it’s likely that because the baseline was a happy childhood, the memories are things that stick out as more unusual, the negative stuff. I find that about myself - I had a happy childhood but if I am thinking about memories from that time, the negative ones are much quicker to come to the surface. But my happy childhood gave me the foundation and grounding for the person I am, whether I can recall specifics of it all or not.

Thanks all. @Aiming4Optimistic there is definitely a bit of rewriting going on at times - things that happened occasionally like sibling conflict or unkind teacher comments are remembered as frequent / always. @Damnedidont no I haven't really said this to them as I don't want to make them feel responsible for my happiness, but maybe I might gently say something next time.

Sorry, I think this is a you thing. Are you quite a defensive person generally? Are you struggling with the transition to having an empty nest?

I think this is completely normal. I did have a somewhat traumatic childhood, with domestic violence and a mum who really struggled to parent (for example, I missed a whole year of school because she just stopped taking me). There absolutely were happy times. I remember lots of them. Do I reminisce about them out loud? No, not really, Because that was just everyday life.

I do, however, clearly remember the time my dad broke a glass over my head. Or the time I dislocated my knee. Or when we got attacked by wasps in the garden. Well, yes, of course. Those things were really out of the ordinary. I don’t think it’s a criticism of your parenting that they viscerally remember a wasp sting, but don’t talk about that February half term when you went to a museum. I think this may be a lot about the worth and identity you get from being a parent and struggling with how it’s shifting now that they are adults. I don’t think they are doing anything wrong though.

I get it OP, I asked my kid the other day about his happiest memory and he couldn’t name even one! The same kid was out having a great time in the holidays.

They sound spoilt and entitled
Ignore it OP.

OP as they mature they do still remember it all. It's just teens especially always seems to focus on negative. Those happy memories are still there and when they have DC of their own they will try to do the things for their DC you did for them.

@mindutopia I don't think I'm dreading the empty nest - in fact the opposite to be honest. I think it could be partly because neither had easy teenage years, and failing to recognise their much more positive earlier childhood seems to paint their whole lives so far as unrelentingly negative. I don't expect them to necessarily reminisce about the fun they had but if we ever, for instance mention a holiday, they will automatically say "ah yes, that is where (insert trivial negative event) happened.

Oh I do sympathise, OP. I've had something similar with DS who went crabbing with his girlfriend and came home saying what fun they'd had and why had he never gone crabbing before- um, only for a week every year from age 5-12 😂

They are never going to remember everything. I think that maybe the memories that come front of mind are those that they need to move onto the next stage and that might be some of the more negative ones when what they need to is to learn to separate and be independent (after all, if all their memories of childhood were blissful, why move on?)

The fact that they don't remember the happy times now doesn't mean they will never remember them, or that those times didn't play a part in who they are today. I've certainly found that having children myself has brought back lots of memories of my own childhood. Memory is a funny thing and not in any sense an accurate and objective record of events- it's more like a story we tell ourselves, and what we need that story to be will change over time.