Please tell me i'm not evil parent going back to work and sending children to nursery

[sillysillysally]

I'm due to go back to work in 3 weeks time and feel hideous about sending my children to nursery (one 3 and one 9 months.) I didn't feel like this after my first son but have so enjoyed being at home with the both over the last 9 months. The nursery seems OK but of course they can't be as good as being at home with me. Am I doing them damage sending them to nursery for 3 days a week?

I went back to work when dd was 14 weeks old. I'd started my job after finding out I was expecting and felt like I owed them something. I went back for 2.5 days a week. Childminder had her for 1.5 days. Grandma had her for a day.

She loved it. Thrived on it. Always says it was fun when we talk about it and wouldn't have it any other way.

When she was 5 I gave up work (sounds backwards, doesn't it?) but I'd just had my 4th/5th miscarriage and realised this was my lot in life. One child only. So I decided I'd stay home and look after her.

Do I regret giving her to someone else at 14 weeks? No... definitely not. Though there were days when I wished I didn't have to leave her.

In the end, I made sure the time we did spend together was focussed totally on her. We had mummy & squillychild days all the time I was at work. She chose where we went and I made sure they were memorable (so much so that she remembers a few of our trips now and she's 7!).

Go...you are not evil. You're just a mum trying to make things better for her family. Your children will benefit from great socialisation skills and, if the nursery is good, a great start to their education.

More than that, they'll have fun.

You should too! Chill sillysillysally. It's all good!

You are not evil. Well, unless I am too - I went back to work 4 months after no.1 and 3 months after no.2 - and they are both wonderful.

Do I regret it? not a bit, at the time it was the right thing for me to do and I was a better mother for doing that.

You are not evil, not damaging them, not being selfish, not being a crap mother, not harming them, not doing anything wrong at all. The fact that you are even worried about it shows that you are a considerate and loving mother.

You and they will be fine

"they can't be as good as being at home with me"

I don't think this is always a given you know.

I know for a FACT that my son needs nursery. I went back to work when I he was 8 months (5 day fortnight, was fabulous!), when we moved here I decided not to work for a while. We both went freaking batshit crazy. Not just me, HIM. He kept asking when he could go to daycare (even up to 6 MONTHS after he had been and he was only little at the time). I did all the things I could think of, went to the park, had playdates, played with him all of the proper mummy things and he just needed MORE.

So now I am back at work and he is at nursery 4 full days a week - he is MUCH happier and settled.

Don't feel guilty, the whole concept of a stay at home mother is a relatively new idea (last hundred years or so), mothers have ALWAYS had to work, its just that NOW we expect to get paid for it!

My son would go nuts at home with me too - he adores being with all his same age friends at nursery, and having so much to do.

He's been at nursery full time since he was 4 months, and has always loved it. I don't regret it all at all, and I certainly don't think that its damaged him.

My daughter loves nursery and whinges on the days she doesn't go!
You are not evil. Not at all.
Good luck with your return to work!

My DS (2.3) went to nursery full-time when he was 7m. He loves it and it has been really good for his development. He loves it and I like working and we have lots of fun together at the weekend.

I'm currently 7m pregnant with DC2 and this one will go at 6m full-time (have already had to book the baby in). Am not at all concerned and am sure baby will love it also.

Agree with Morloth - my DS needs nursery and other children to play with much more than he needs me. I went back to work 3 days a week when he was 7 months old which was great but as he has got older, it got harder and harder to occupy him for the 2 days I was at home with him, plus we needed more money, so I am now back at work 4 days a week which is much better for him and me and our family situation. In fact, I rarely take him out of nursery now - I often have time off work but he still goes to nursery as he needs the company (like next week for example )

You only need to look at his face light up when he is with other children to see what a sociable boy he is - when my nieces and nephew come round, he is so excited at other children to play with!!

No guilt whatsoever here although I won't deny I felt awful at first - that first day back at work, I drove to work in tears! I am now pg with no.2 and hoepfully it will be easier to deal with when this one starts nursery aswell as now I realise the benefits of it.

Not evil at all 9 months for 3 days a week is fine I would do that if I needed to work when ds was 9 months, aslong as you are happy with the nursery.

I don't agree with people who put 6 week old babies in nursery 8-6 everyday I think that is ridiculous there is no point in having children if you never see them.

My ds is 2.6 now and he still only does 3 mornings at nursery so I can work.

my dd1 started nursery when she was about one. she is now a very confident, bright little girl and can make friends and play easily.

when she did start state nurersy she was way ahead of her group and quickly moved into a higher group, as she had covered everything in her private nursery.

she loved nursery and often asked if she could on a weekend! she only did mornings so i saw her on afternoons, but that was 5 days a week so not much to different to 3 full days.

her private nursery took her on sponsored walks to the beach, trips to the park, museum visits and arranged regular fun days where dd1 and her friends would put on a little show for people visiting.

one of the main reasons that i am looking for work now is so that dd2 can go to nursery one day a week or two mornings or something (i cant afford to put her in anymore than that as you have to pay top ups and nuresry places around here cost a fortune due to limited places)

I do know how you feel. I still go through this occasionally, even though DS is now 3 and very settled at nursery. He started at 8 months 1 day a week, and gradually went up to 3 days.

Most of the time though I do think it's a positive thing. I think it's actually quite a natural state for children - to be playing in a group, with a group of (in the main) women looking after them - not necessarily their own mum, but OK as long as they are loved and cared for. Don't forget that women have always worked. From prehistoric times women would go out gathering and harvesting, and throughout history all women except the richer classes had to work - it's a DM-style myth that this is a modern "evil". It's natural for small children to learn to be in a group and learn to accept other carers. For my DS, I think it also helps him to socialise and learn manners etc. and play in a group, as he's an only child and often spends time with just me or just me and DP.

Don't suppress your feelings though; if you feel upset talk it over with your DP/DH, and the nursery - they should reassure you.

hear hear snowleopard. Well said.

Do you think your DH is evil for going out to work? Of course not you shouldn;t be investing yourself with such extreme qualties for doing what millions of women do.

You do an enormous number of things to your children over their lifetime with you which affect thier life/character/prospects. Finding good childcare they are happy with is one of the positive things you can do not negative. Three days a week isn't that much and presumably if you don;t feel they are happy with the arrangement after a period of settling in you will change provider until you find one that you are happy with.

I went back to work when ds1 was 14 mths - the nursery is fantastic (he does 2.5 days) so much so that when dts were 12mths I sent them as well and went back to work again.

The nursery is work based and subsidised, but I work to pay the nursery fees - with very little left - my children have thrived and love it and it has saved my sanity.

They all do 2.5 days a week, in January when dc4 is due, ds1 will be at school full time and dts will drop to 2 days at nursery until baby is 12mths old I go back to work, the dts and baby will go back to 2.5/3 days.

Yes, think I am mad but this arrangement has saved my sanity, children and probably my marriage and it works for us.