Does feeling guilty after disciplining your child ever get easier?

[Pandaghost]

I would say I am a firm but fair parent.
I encourage my child to be independent but I am very vigilant and keep an eye on their play. If things are getting rough, unfair etc then I will speak to them and try to change what is happening. I tell them what the consequence will be (e.g if you dont share then we will go home/the toy goes away/you cant go to grandpas etc). I follow through on this.
My child is generally well behaved. They can be a bit boisterous but they usually respond to warnings as they know the consequence will be carried out.
My problem is this.. if I shout or the consequence really upsets them, i feel terrible. It will eat me up for hours. I shouted tonight because they were being rough with their younger sibling. My other half took them out of the room and they were upset because they wanted to play. They are now in bed (ive been to see them before they fell asleep and we hugged and I said I need them to listen better tomorrow, said love you etc) but im now sitting here feeling awful. I had ivf and every time I think ive upset them I feel like i dont deserve them. Does this ever go away?

I dont have these feelings. If I give my child a warning and explained the consequences in advance (and the consequences are very tame!) and they still do it, I have zero sympathy whatsoever. Crying is often where the boundaries are being formed. As long as there is a loving reconciliation afterwards and the removal of love isnt a consequences then do not beat yourself up over this.

I am an early years teacher and I see what happens when parents don't follow through with consequences and it os a problem. A problem that will get worse over time.

Keep being firm but fair, and consistent. There are no downsides. I have been firm but fair with my own children and it shows. They are well mannered, generally well behaved children and I get compliments on their behaviour all the time.

Try listening to Janet Lansbury's podcast 'unruffled'. Its about taking the emotional out of respectfully managing your children's behaviour.

Sometimes being a good parent is being the bad guy!

I feel the same with our ivf 6 year old. He's generally well behaved but has his moments of not listening or not doing what I've asked (several times). I always feel awful if I upset him with consequences but I try to remain strong as they do work. I do think the trauma of IVF has increased some of my feelings around parenting.

It’s your job to be the adult and parent your child. If that means telling them off, even saying ‘no’ and maybe upsetting them, then so be it. You can’t be their friend and opt for an easy life. You won’t be doing them any favours,

I never felt guilt because:

• I did it for good reasons
• I didn’t humiliate him
• I didn’t compare him to other children
• Never shouted at him (I found that children that shout and talk back learn it directly from their parents losing the plot).
• Never smacked him
• But most importantly, I never put up with any tantrum (not one) so him knowing from the get go that playing up was not getting him anywhere, made things remarkably easier and dignified.

I only apologised when I told him off for something we later realised it wasn’t actually his fault.

ps. I am not a perfect parent but had an abusive bully for a mother, so tried my best to avoid paying the abuse forward.

There is no need to shout to do discipline (unless in immediate danger)
But it is absolutely necessary to do discipline and you would be doing him a disservice by letting him get away with shoddy behaviour

I shouted :( id asked repeatedly for them to be gentle with the baby and I did lose my temper. Told their dad to get them ready for bed and I stayed with baby and now I feel like they think I pick the baby over them. They only wanted to play. Yes they should have listened but I shouldn't have lost my temper. They're hot and bothered and 4. I feel awful

“If you don’t share…” is a bit much for a 4 year old. What does that mean? You need to scaffold a bit more than that or they’re bound to fail.

Quite honestly OP I felt guilty a few times and it tore me up. I knew why I felt that way: because I had shouted. I never shout now and so I never feel guilty.

I lay out expectations, give a warning and a reminder, and I follow through every single time. If he’s upset then he’s learnt a lesson. You can’t go his entire childhood with him not being upset by fair consequences. What’s he going to do at 4, shrug his shoulders and say “oh well, brought that on myself huh” ?

But be careful with “we’ll go home” or “we won’t go to grandpa’s”… that’s a big jump from “share”. What’s a 4 year old meant to do with just the instruction of “share or else” ?

Try to move on from it OP. He will move on from it faster than you and tomorrow is a new day. Your son needs his mum, not a mum beating herself up and torturing herself over this. You’re no good to him if you’re in a mire of sadness.

I think firm and consistent discipline is good for children. They need to know boundaries and they need to test them (and learn what happens when they do). I think I am firm and fair and my DS respects that. He might be upset in the moment but we make up again quickly and he is generally extremely well behaved.

Thanks for your reply. They were generic examples (not great ones I admit)
Its more like "its X's turn now...let them have their turn or we'll have to play something else"
If they won't get dressed then we cant go to grandpa's etc

You’re doing fine. Lean on your husband. Talk to him about your trigger points in the day. My husband knows that when I’m cooking dinner and just before bedtime are peak “I could murder someone” times, so he needs to be on it fast if I need a hand. I also really struggle before my period and I just tell him flat out that I might be extra murderous this week so he’s on high alert god love him. But you have to stop before you lose it and tap out. You’ve got to catch each other.

I think guilt often shows up when we act in a way that doesn't feel aligned with the kind of parent we want to be.
From what you've written, it sounds like shouting is the part that's bothering you, not the fact that you set boundaries. They're two very different things.
I've found it helpful to make sure that boundaries are rooted in values rather than just rules. For example, stopping rough play isn't about "because I said so"; it's because in your family you treat each other with care and keep everyone safe. Children tend to understand and internalise that much more deeply, because they're seeing values being modelled rather than just rules being enforced.
Shouting is rarely the best response, but none of us gets it right every time. What matters is what happens afterwards. You went back, you hugged them, you repaired the connection, and that teaches something really important too: that we can take responsibility, reconnect, and move forward after making mistakes.
From your post, I don't see a parent who doesn't deserve their child. I see a parent who cares deeply about getting it right. That is also part of the learning.

I keep thinking about this and I don't think this is a parenting problem. It's a belief, specifically, the belief that your worthiness as a parent is conditional. That you earn it back every day by getting it right, and lose it every time you don't.
The honest answer is: this particular guilt, the one rooted in a limiting belief, doesn't go away on its own. It won't fade with time, or with more good parenting days, or with your child growing up happy and secure. It will keep showing up because it isn't responding to what's happening. It's responding to a story you've been telling yourself since before they were even born.
And when you feel it rising again, I want you to try this: stop asking yourself whether you deserve them. Ask instead what they deserve.
They deserve a parent who cares enough to teach them. Who takes the uncomfortable route of setting a boundary even when following through means tears, theirs and yours. Who stays present through the hard moments instead of looking away. Who goes back before bed and repairs it, even when they're running on empty. Who lies awake afterwards because they take this seriously.
Look at what you actually did that evening. You showed up. You held the boundary. You repaired the connection.
That is not a parent who doesn't deserve their child.
That is exactly the parent your child deserves.

My mother used to do something that I don’t think is fair but refuses sharing fights straight away: if we squabbled about sharing, nobody was gong to win. The toy was removed immediately and put away.

in this case, however, it would be about lifting the baby to safety and send the other 2 to the naughty step for 4 minutes (notice I didn’t say to play with dad or give him something different to play with that may amount to give them a prize for bad behaviour)