Moving away while son at uni

[Charliesheart23]

Am I doing the wrong thing?
I’m a single mum and my 21 year old son is in his third year at uni and lives in a shared house in Bath, which is two hours from where we live. He comes home about twice a year for a few days.
My 24 year old daughter still lives with me at the moment and we’ve been discussing moving to where I’m originally from, which is a town around 300 miles from Bath. I have family there and would like to be closer to them now I’m getting older. She is excited to move nearer to them also and they are looking forward to having us close by.
My son has given his blessing but I can’t help but feel terrible and as though I’m pulling the rug from under him.
Ive asked about what he’ll do when uni finishes and he is undecided but wants to stay around Bath. However it’s very expensive and I don’t think he’ll be able to afford it.
I’m planning to buy a house with three bedrooms so he will always have somewhere to come home to, but he says he doesn’t want to leave the area he’s in but will visit.
Am I doing the wrong thing? I love him dearly but he isn’t very family orientated and when he comes home tends to just go out with his mates all the time and we barely see him.
He has plans ranging from living abroad for a while to staying in the area he’s in but I do think he’s a bit naive when it comes to money.
Thoughts would be welcome.

I don't see what the issue is here, you want to move and your adult son has 'given his blessing.' Seems like a no-brainer. He's an adult with his own life now, you can't stay out for the sake of him coming home for a few nights out with his mates.

I don’t know. I’m just worried he’ll be here with no family to lean on and nowhere to stay till he gets sorted. I recently lost my job so now is a good time to make the move, plus my daughter is keen to get on with her life in the new place. I just feel like I’m abandoning him a bit.
I guess I could help him financially once he’s finished although my resources are limited.

Also a part of me worries he won’t make the effort to see us once we’re gone and I’ll lose touch with him.

I think you are doing the right thing. He's grown up now and has given you his blessing. You've made it clear that there's a home there for him if he needs it, but you are encouraging his independence too.

We tried the same thing, but ds asked us to give him one more year, whilst he sorted himself out. We did and he's happily launched the nest now

300 miles is a huge distance, and could mean you don't see much of him, but as he doesn't visit often now you may find that you still see as much of him, or more, as he's less likely to disappear off out when he visits.

If he comes for Christmas, however, do warn him not to travel late on Christmas Eve. Ds1 once got stranded in Birmingham changing trains - his onward train, and the next one were cancelled!! Luckily we have friends in Birmingham, but the one day he will probably want to travel is the worst one to leave it a bit late to try to cross the country!

Sounds like he's not really that bothered? He has made his future plans clear - stay in Bath (houseshares are affordable btw), then work abroad.

I'm surprised he doesn't spend quality time with you when he visits though. Have you ever brought this up with him?

I'd crack on with the move, OP. Sounds like it would be really positive for you.

I don't see the issue with your son - he's given you his blessing. He's spreading his wings. I think the main thing is to appraise what the job market is like where you are moving to - the family stuff is lovely of course - but presumably you and your daughter want to find work in the new place, so that's definitely worth scoping out before making the move. Usually I have found a job in the new location before I would ever consider moving there - particularly when it's 300 miles. Good luck!

Well will you be making the effort to see him? How often to you go to Bath now? And will it reduce?

How are you going to buy a house with no job? How will you support yourself when you get there?

He's given his blessing, so that's okay.

We had friends who moved away against their son's wishes, because they wanted to move to a different area with lower house prices. He never really forgave them. The OP is in a very different situation and has no reason to feel guilty.

If you are saving money by moving, stick some of it in a fund to send him the train fare/plane fare once a year. And/or let him know that you plan to visit him once a year too, so save some cash for an air bnb. Be intentional about it. Talk to him. Tell him that you would love him to come up for 3 days at Christmas or New Year each year, and will send him the fare, or you will come down. Even if he's not fussed about the idea, it'll register as a plan . . .

I guess the stress is just on my side. I did think that maybe I should wait out the next year but then if he does return here he will probably still do his own thing and I could potentially miss an opportunity to move as I don’t know what our situation will be in a year’s time re work/daughter etc.
Ive checked trains and he can get to us in four hours and a half hours.
My wish is that he would come too but that’s unlikely as he’s very much about his friends.

I don’t have a mortgage and can buy a new house outright once I’ve sold my current home so I’m quite fortunate in that respect.

Plus I have a decent amount of savings to put me by until I find something new work wise, plus daughter will be working and contributing whilst she’s still at home.

We moved 800 miles with ds at university. We had family close to university if needed and ds went to them on weekend. Nice to know they were around.
We paid the plane to see us at holidays.
It hasnt been an issue.

Yes it has been the source of a few arguments. He will have dinner with us when he first comes home but then spends the rest of his time either sleeping or out with his friends and not coming home till the early hours. He can be argumentative as well, particularly with his sister, but I think that’s just his age.

I like to think that his visits might be more pleasant than when he comes home now, as he only has family in the new area so I would hope he would fit in more with our routine and we can have days out/visiting family etc.
I have already said I would cover his travel but I’m pretty sure once he finds a girlfriend I’ll have to travel to see him, which of course I would do.
His father lives abroad and he has said he might spend time with him also. It’s just difficult not knowing what he will be doing but I feel I’m putting our lives on hold waiting to find out.

In a few years he might be more happy to join family stuff. He sounds quite normal for his age.
Do what you want to do!

We currently live in a semi rural area but the new place is much bigger and better connected (large town with 30 mins commute to two cities) so I’m not concerned about the job side of things. I only need something part time and my daughter is in the NHS hospital side of things so she hopes to transfer her skills to one of the larger hospitals in the new area.

At the moment I travel the two hours to see him and take him out for dinner usually every couple of months but he works in a restaurant so his availability at weekends isn’t always that good.
Once moved I would want to come down to Bath and stay overnight somewhere so we could spend time together, as well as pay for his train ticket to see us.
I’d really love for him to come home to the new place for a few months but I don’t know if he would.

Well there's your answer then, I'd be more worried about the job situation more than anything else and it sounds like you are moving to a place with more opportunities. So question answered.

It sounds like you have done a great job and raised an independent young man who is ready to start building his own life independently. Time to put yourself first now, go for it and start making the next step in your own life.

It’s fine op, he lives 2 hours from you already. Many of us move during these years, the dc cope

I went away on a school trip once and came back to find one of my parents living in a different house with a new partner. Thought this thread was going to be much worse. 😂

I think you're fine OP.

You see him twice a year now so I don’t see how moving further away would change that. My SD is at uni almost 300 miles away and can take the train home if she really wanted to but is frankly too busy, but comes home fur the holidays.
You could also go visit him.
I moved 3500 miles away from my family and I would still describe us as close - and this was before the internet and WhatsApp!