Had a baby and feeling left out.

[OvergrownIvy]

I have a 6 week old baby, FTM.

My brother and his kids are here visiting, they live in Australia. We haven't seen them in years and they tell me the main reason for their visit is to come meet the new baby but of course see the rest of the family also.

They are staying with our parents and my sister. We live around 30 mins away and so far its mainly been me, driving over to see them for a few hours every few days.

We spoke about places to go/things to do but so far I've actually been involved with very little and I'm feeling left out and not considered. They've been on a day trip to Bath, a weekend at the seaside and the adults have been out to watch the England games - all things I felt not possible with a 6 week old.

We set aside a few dates for park trips and trip into town which I was happy to do - but they didnt happen in the end.

One day we agreed to go for a few drinks, but on the day they told me they had chosen a pub over an hour from where I live so I didnt go. I was pissed off and didnt want to drive me and the baby who hates the car, to a pub an hour away to drink a diet coke! There are loads of pubs closer to both of us which is what I assumed we would do.

Today they are going to a country show - but rang me when they are on their way there so I have no time to get myself and the baby ready to go meet them and I'm feeling pretty upset and unconsidered.

They are all living together so its easy for them to communicate and make plans and I know not everything revolves around me and the baby - I am very happy for them to do non baby friendly things! Maybe I am just hormonal but I'm sat home with the baby again today while they are all having fun.

We are not the kind of family to really talk about things or how we feel so not sure how or if its even worth bringing up - brother and kids fly home in a week.

Sorry you're feeling left out. Do they often visit and stay with your parents? Is this just what their visits normally look like?

I have a sister like this, she never invites us to anything suitable for us, only her and her family. If i try and arrange something equal distance between us she'll come up with a reason not to go. Ultimately I don't see her much when she visits, she does what's right for her family and I do what's right for mine, unfortunately they don't align.

Is it an option for you to stay with your parents too when they visit so you can be more involved?

It does sound like they are being very thoughtless and I would be upset at so many of the occasions not being suitable for you at present. Can you actually spell it out that you would like to join in with something and make a concrete suggestion?

They are on holiday, realistically. They are going to want to do things.

I would have done most of those things at 6 weeks, except evening football matches in the pub, but I was the one who lived away who had to take the 6 week old to visit.

Perhaps they don't realise that you are up for more outings than they thought?

Unless they are actually unpleasant people (which they obviously aren't as you wouldn't want to see them) then it's thoughtlessness or unawareness.

How much longer are they here?

I would be pro active about this and make some specific suggestions for outing which would suit you.

Ive hot 4 DCs. Youngest is 12 now, and honestly i've forgotten how much i would/would not be up for at the 6 week point. People don't know. Tell 'em 😊💐

Sorry you're feeling left out OP but they are on holiday and your brother has kids to entertain so it's understandable that they are going to go out and about and some outings are just not going to be easy with a newborn. Can you invite them all to yours for a bbq or something? Or suggest an attraction near you where you could meet up?

They've been on a day trip to Bath, a weekend at the seaside and the adults have been out to watch the England games - all things I felt not possible with a 6 week old.

You could have done any one of those things, a park is no more appropriate for a newborn than a weekend at the seaside.

They probably didn’t invite you earlier for the most recent plans because you have turned so many other things, which unfortunately is just what ends up happening.

One other point - if they emigrated to Aus, and don’t have much/any family support there, then they probably got used to doing things with their DC as babies, fast. As there was no childcare alternative. The idea that things might not be ‘baby-friendly’ to them might be quite alien - as it was to me.

Perhaps they don’t realise you aren’t in the same
boat.

Well I guess your bro is only here for a limited time and that his kids are older. They want to cram in as much sightseeing and "exciting" stuff as they can whilst here. Going to a park and a trip into town is pretty boring quite frankly, especially as they haven't seen your parents or the UK (presumably) for quite a while. Why couldn't you go to the seaside weekend? I went camping on a rough and ready farm site when my son was a month old.

I disagree with posters who say you could have done all those activities - possible, technically, but at 6 weeks I was extremely tired, baby was still only sleeping in 2 hour stretches, screaming his head off 7pm - 10pm and I was still adjusting generally. Plenty of posts from women on mumsnet who are incapable of getting out the house for mum& baby groups all the time. So don't let those posters make you feel bad.

The problem however is they have come a very long way, this is a holiday for them and the kids. They don't want to center their holiday around a newborn, that would be unfair to them and their own kids. They've met your baby now, I think it's fair for them to prioritise their family holiday.

I get that you feel left out, I would too, but you have a lot going on. When you have a baby, you learn to prioritise. You just can't do things the way you used to. Your life has changed. Make an effort to see them again before they go and accept that this is your life for now.

I would have done a weekend in bath and a day at the seaside with a newborn. They sleep lots and you boob them. I think some of this is due your own preciousness

I think you are a little bit left out of stuff like this when you've got a six week old baby/just given birth. It's just one of those things. You're not really up to it and they still need to enjoy their holiday/entertain their kids. It's just bad timing basically. Concentrate on enjoying the baby for now and next time they come you'll be able to join in and your little one will be excited to spend time with their cousins.

Can't you just leave the baby with your partner/friend/family and go? If you are BF you could express. Only if you want to, of course, if you just want to be with your baby I would politely tell them that, and ask if they're happy to be flexible some days so you can join them at an easier place.

Thanks for your replies - I wanted to hear different persepctives and thats what I've got.

I should of said, his kids are 4 and 6.

The weekend away felt too much for me as I'm so tired, we are co sleeping and the baby only sleeps for two hours max and can be really difficult to settle again after. They were staying in a big house and I didnt want to have to handle the overnights while worrying about disturbing everyone else. The seaside is also a 3/4 hour drive from us. I am breastfeeding which hasnt been straightforward and I havent mastered doing it in public yet.

Some of you have done some impressive things with your newborns...I feel like I've done well if we manage a successful trip to the shop!!

I was upset earlier, I have calmed now. I guess its because we spoke lots in the months leading up to their visit about things we could do and its not really turned out how I imagined.

This was also my thoughts to be honest. At the point you start declining plans as not suitable for baby (they all would have been fine, except pub for late matches) maybe they just assume now you don’t want to do much.

I’d send a message with a plan and a concrete day/time/location.

Ask them to join you for a day out? You plan it?

They are on holiday and a quite expensive one. Yes, they will want to meet baby but a 6 week old isn't enough to fill a holiday unless you join the activities they want to do for a holiday.

Sorry but if you’re exclusively BF and you haven’t mastered doing it out of the house yet, then of course you’re not going to be able to do much. Likewise they haven’t come over from Aus to sit around in your/your DM’s house.

Agree with PP that you need to make a suggestion to them.

I think it’s quite normal that they’d want to enjoy their holiday doing other activities as well and day trips that their kids will enjoy. Have you suggested a plan for a day out with them to somewhere close to you?

I should also add that I was very happy not to go on all the big trips, I guess I'm more disappointed the smaller, quicker, closer to home activities havent happened as they are the ones I feel I could manage and enjoy. I understand they are on an expensive trip home and will have things they want to do, I never wanted to be included in everything, just some things.

People are totally right about me making the next suggestion and explaining that I would just love to spend some time with them before they leave.