Worried about my son's social life and friendships

[Lilliput25]

My son has always been keen on computer games and YouTube and playing online but since covid happened he seemed to struggle more with friends and socialising. He would have friends and we would always do activities and take his friends places but it never seemed to be reciprocated. In his last year of junior school I was concerned about how lonely he seemed to be although school said he was fine. They did admit at one point that a few of the boys were struggling with bring left out. I went a bit depressed by it all and it really upset me. Other parents would invite him out with their sons and I remember 1 of the muns saying it broke her heart listening to what my son said. He's now 14 and although he has friends at school, he doesn't really see them outside of school very often. He seems happy with his own company but I worry about him being lonely and left out.
I really struggle with this and although I talk to people about it, it hurts my heart.
Does anyone have any advice for how I can manage this better?

What have you done to help him so far? Do you have a social life of other families with teens?

Can you get him involved in something to build a community? Parkrun? Scouts? Volunteer at food bank?

How does he feel about not socialising out of the home? What are his plans for post GCSEs?

I think you need to be careful that you arent treating this as a huge disaster. You might have found the idea of few friends at his age appalling but he might be perfectly content and by acting like there is something wrong it will make him believe that too. You might be a very sociable outward looking person and he might just be a quieter more inward looking person and neither of you are wrong, just different is all. If he is happy with it then I think you need to let this go a bit.

I was very similar to your son at age 14. By age 16 I had formed 3 really solid school friendships and we are still friends to this day, in our late 40s. I have never had a massive group of friends and frankly, the people I know who did have lots and lots of superficial friends havent lasted and have now drifted off.

I also made more friends from university so bear in mind that there are lots of opportunities throughout life to meet people and if he doesnt have friends at 14 it does not mean he never will.

14 is still very young to find your people and he has lots of time yet

He's in a football team and he enjoys this, he will play online with a couple of friends too. He does do the odd social thing but then its like his social battery runs out and he doesn't want to see anyone again.
He's very much like me tbh, I quite like my own company but I just worry that he's missing out.
I hope that he will find his people one day.

He seems fine about it and totally unfazed.
Its me. Im very sensitive about it and it upsets me regularly. I do try and hide this from him so tjat he then doesn't think theres something wrong with him.
Talking to other parents at football theres a few boys the same, very quiet but seem fine in themselves

He's in a football team and plays once a week and has training. He seems to enjoy this and talks to most of the players but hes more like a butterfly and floats about.

My son’s very much the same. Slightly younger than yours at nearly 13, does scouts and drama and while he’s happy to message his friends online and see them after school on at the weekend occasionally he really needs his own space just to chill as well.

He’s an only one so not got the constant noise of siblings, and just needs that time to regroup. He always has a lovely time when he does see people though.

I think a lot of boys are a bit like this. My two very rarely saw friends outside of school until they went to college at 16. Then they started going to the cinema, bowling, to play snooker, to the pub for lunch etc. Before that I did ask them in the holidays if they wanted to do anything with friends and they always said no.

Gently, I think you need to separate what’s your stuff here and what your son actually wants.Your son seems happy and unfazed by this so why are you taking it upon yourself to become so upset by it?

what happens in the future if he chooses a career you didn’t envisage for him, or a partner that isn’t your ideal choice?

If you carry on like this he will stop telling you stuff because of your negative reactions to his life choices. We all worry about our kids but to be this stressed when he’s perfectly happy is not really normal

Mine is an only one too and Is quite happy with his own company and only has do much of a social battery.

I completely agree, I know that I need to let him manage his own friendships and social life and I have made a concerted effort to 'let it go'. I still find it really difficult to not worry though and unfortunately I am known as an ultimate worrier.