Tips for parenting a highly sensitive 4 year old

[sensitivesoulchild]

Looking for tips on how to parent my Highly Sensitive 4 year old please. They're bright and brilliant, hitting all milestones, but are A Lot of Work. Caps intentional.

Once they get an idea in their mind, they are stubbornly set on it. A specific outfit, activity, food item, or rules to a game - they want it to be exactly the way they've dreamed it up. We pre-warn about transitions / expectations as much as possible, but the meltdowns are epic when things don't go their way. It's not malicious bad behaviour, they literally vibrate with disappointment and can't handle it. The meltdowns can last up to an hour or more.

We've tried co-regulation, distraction, time-outs if it's particularly bad behaviour (limited as negative consequences makes it 100 times worse). We keep responses simple and to the point "we're not having ice-cream for dinner. I hear you're disappointed, and I'm here". But the only thing that really works is throwing them up in the air or spinning around for 5-10 minutes to reset their nervous system. They're a very athletic, physical child and respond well to movement.

Screentime and sugar are limited to weekends, they can't cope with it during the week.

They're quite shy, and take a while to warm up in social settings. For sports classes, we get there a few min early to let them get used to the surroundings first. They did get bullied by another child in nursery this year, which we and nursery took seriously, but I worry this will happen again until they get better with social skills.

We have other children with far different temperaments, so the contrast is very notable. They get on extremely well with siblings, mostly because they're the eldest I think, and get their way the most. All children have regular dedicated 1:1 time too.

My questions - did your highly sensitive DC outgrow it? Is there anything that helps grow resilience or regulation we can try? How can I stay patient through it? Increasingly frustrated with the behaviour, when it feels like we've tried everything, even when I know it's not their fault.

I'm so sorry I can't give advice because I have exactly the same child! Same age and everything.

I hope someone knowledgeable comes along!!

I totally get what you’re saying. We have one who was noticeably different to their peers and didn’t respond to regular discipline techniques like Time Out too.

Usually the first thing to do is to rule out the need for SaLT. You can do this by completing this simple progress checker. Let us know what it says

Mine dd4 is very like this.

Unpopular opinion(?)
my solve was

1. teaching her to negotiate and
2. being willing to die on a few hills.

There were a couple of Mexican stand offs too - i wont lie it wasn't great 🫠

Now I clearly signal it's a firm no on X but we can do Y.
She now knows firm No is no but she can negotiate a counter which gives her some control.
i wont lie she will she get the hump but moves on within an hour Max.

E.g. Today was she wanted a sweet from the newsagent - we negotiated she could get one next time... she went she sulked (head down arms crossed but no screaming or kicking and walked nicely albeit sloooowly) the 10 minutes to the park then moved on and cheered the fuck up once playing.

@flossataloss @SalmonOnFinnCrisp good to know we're not alone in it! I'll try the negotiation skills - they're already trying different persuasion tactics to get their way so I'm a little worried it'll make them too powerful. 🤣

@ExplodingSmittens thank you! All looked good on the speech & language evaluation; they're incredibly creative and make up their own stories every night. Though if I ask the wrong questions about the story's characters, that takes them on a plot change, how dare I!

Although you think they are bright you have failed to realise they are behind in social and emotional development, work on those skills.

Sounds like they are sensory seeking if they crave the spinning and movement. Can you try and work in some sensory activities to pre empt the high emotional reactions? Have they got a swing? That can help, or a little seat they can spin on? I think Amazon sell them. Have a read about sensory seeking behaviour and see if anything rings true.
Do transitions generally cause an issue? I see you have given warnings, have you tried a sand timer? And then get them to tell you when it is time…
Not sure about the ice cream for dinner one! Does it work if you say you can have some after?

@Xmasallergies most definitely a sensory seeker! Very physical child, so we have a lot for outdoors (sandpit, swing, trampoline) but the spinny chairs are a great suggestion for inside.

Transitions very much cause an issue, especially when they don't feel in control of them. E.g. being picked up from Nana's house - I called ahead to give a warning I was on my way, but it wasn't relayed. The repeated "I like Nana's house the most, Nana has two bedrooms, I can stay with Nana" went on for two days. 😅

I've tried saying first dinner, then ice-cream (and also blatant bribery!) but they think one lick of dinner counts and then que trying to break in to the freezer.

I feel like they're too clever for me a lot of the time! Feeling a little worn out as I get the brunt of it. Nursery are amazing with them, and they have no issues there outside of another child laser focusing on them with aggression - the other child had additional needs and hyperfixated. When I asked about behaviour, they were described as gentle, sweet and funny - which they 100% are. Their dad gets some of it too, but I seem to be the safe space / chosen one.

Why do you think they’re highly sensitive and not maybe on the autistic spectrum? Genuine question. It’s just that the things you’re listing don’t sound neurotypical to me.

Although, saying that, I do have a friend who says her 5 year old child is “sensitive” and I don’t think he’s autistic, but quite honestly I would class him as a bit of a wet lettuce than sensitive 😬

She also says things like “I understand you’re disappointed you can’t have an ice cream and I’m here for you.” I don’t like that sort of language. I would say to my son of the same age “there’s ice cream for you after you’ve eaten your dinner, but none if you choose to whine at me about it”, and I’d mean it. My son is very stoic and can shrug things off and get on with life, and he looks at hers like he’s lost his mind when he kicks up a fuss about things.

Ha that made me laugh about one lick of dinner then they get an ice cream, clever, I mean it kind of makes sense from their perspective… maybe try saying eat half of your x and y spoonfuls of peas etc and see if that helps. They may want a clearer picture of what that means!
I would maybe try a sand timer and see if that helps with transitions as they are small and portable and they can see the time…it’s hard to judge what five or ten mins is when you’re engaged in something and little. Keep reminding them to watch it and tell you when it’s done. It sometimes helps. The other thing that can help is having a visual now and next board with a picture on each side.
It’s pretty common for children to be easier at nursery than at home, it’s more unusual the other way round. I hope the spinning seat helps!

Maybe buy Nana a sand timer too 🙂

This all sounds like completely normal behavior to me.

The Whole Brain Child books have lots of strategies for dealing with the kinds of behaviors youve described.

To me they all sound developmentally appropriate.

You were incredibly rude to say someone who replied to your post had subpar cognitive abilities. You've no idea about their cognitive abilities. Completely unnecessary.

Age 7 and still in the same boat.

I've have 3 older children and this behaviour is a far cry from them.

I just take one day at a time but it's no easy.
X

That poster was completely out of order in what they had written. They were condescending, rude and unkind when the OP was seeking help. Not to mention flat out wrong. As you say sounds like behaviour well on the scale of normal for that age.

Subpar on a number of fronts ...

Like other posters have said they sound like a normal 4 year old. Your reaction about them being super sensitive is quite…odd. Being stubborn and set on specific ways of doing stuff at that age is unmm really normal.

@theoldsoandso not something I've discounted off hand; they're great with group settings once they warm up, back and forth conversation and showing interest / empathy in others, they don't hyper fixate on one particular interest though they do have preferred hobbies and sports, have met all milestones at developmentally normal times, they don't stim though they love being physical - more of an adrenaline junky, great with eye contact, highly creative and imaginative, etc.,

& my second child is stoic too - if they were my first or only, I'd think it was my parenting that turned them out that way.

@Xmasallergies thank you - lots of useful suggestions. Makes it worth posting, sometimes the parenting board can be mixed replies. 😅

@dairydebris thank you for the book suggestion, though it seems we disagree on the PP's intentions.

@Shelleyblueeyes solidarity. 💐 They're amazing little beings, but I've definitely had to keep evolving to keep up with mine.

@GeorgiePorge thank you. ❤️

@user1492538376 I never said they were abnormal actually... Just that I'm looking for parenting tips for my sensitive child - which they are, and isn't inherently a bad thing. Which is why I posted on the Parenting board.

I used to have firm boundaries and always give a choice. You are going to bed now. Do you want this story or this one? Yes, we are going out now. You can put your shoes on or go without....put shoes in handbag and walk out the door....dd steps out, realises it's raining or stoney etc and wants the shoes. You need to hold my hand here, you can hold it or we can go home. No, you can't have biscuits, you can have apple or cheese, which do you want?

I found the element of choice made her stop and think which totally sidestepped the impending tantrum. Also, if she did lose it, I just let her get on with it, gave the tantrums very little attention. Often I would just put her in her room to calm down. She would go quiet and when I peeped round the door she was busy playing. The lack of audience seemed to help.

Do you feel there might be more going on for your dd?

@WonderingWanda thank you! Choice works well, but mine seems to be going through an extra stubborn stage rn.

I don't feel like there's a diagnosis looming in our future, I think they're just sensitive and my parenting tactics need to evolve with them. I've tried a lot of the suggestions, and tbh my natural parenting style is quite firm. I don't give in or reward meltdowns. I also don't give them air, but leaving the room with mine seems to trigger an even worse reaction. Staying close and disinterested seems to work the best for us.

Definetely going to try teaching them negotiation skills like a PP suggested, more indoor physical toys, and better work around transitions.

This thread has also helped me realise we never have much bad behaviour outside - I think I may just need to keep them moving at all times. 😅

Keep it in the back of your mind then. I would say that contrary to a lot of replies on this thread, having an “epic meltdown” for a full hour over not getting their own way isn’t typical behaviour.

You also say it’s not your parenting but also that they get their own way most of the time. Maybe they need a bit less “I’m here with you” type of language when they’re going bananas, and a bit more of not getting their own way.

Do they go swimming regularly?

@theoldsoandso I'm definitely not discounting my parenting as a cause, which is why it's so helpful to gather tips here.

They don't actually get their way most of the time, hence the meltdowns. My life would be a lot easier if they did! I hold firm boundaries while trying to be supportive. When playing with their siblings they do direct the play - joys of being the oldest.

We go swimming weekly + other sports. They love the water, and I think it's so good for kids!

My little boy is just 6 and is a lot like this. We seem to go through better phases and worse phases. It has definitely improved with age, but we still have some difficult phases - we see more of this sort of behaviour when he is generally less well regulated (e.g. recently when the heatwave coincided with end of year tiredness).

I do think a lot of the improvements I have noticed are probably just age but two things that have really helped are:

-Constant reassurance that I love him no matter what. I think a lot of the huge meltdowns comes almost from a place of shame and fear from his big emotional responses, so trying to normalise those emotional responses. When he is calm we play a game called "Would I still love you if..." and we make lots of silly suggestions like "you got so cross you broke every plate in the house". And the answer is of course always yes! (although pointing out he would have to help me tidy up and use some pocket money replacing the plates). We also talk about his cross feelings when he is not feeling them - so when you were cross earlier, were you cross enough to blast a rocket to the moon/the sun/Venus. I feel like talking about it like that normalises the feeling and also reassures him I am not scared of him being cross, so he doesn't need to be.

-Giving him a sense of control is huge. So we of course have our definite "Nos" but we also give him lots of opportunities to negotiate as a PP suggested. He is getting much better at coming up with his own reasonable negotiations, and if he has made a negotiation he is much more likely to accept it than if I had made that same suggestion. When we are leaving somewhere I often give it plenty of time and say just finish what you're doing and then we'll go, and if he has a bit of control he is actually pretty good at wrapping things up and saying he's ready to go compared to if I say it's time to go (even with lots of warnings). Sometimes if he is approaching meltdown now he will almost resolve it himself but finding a way to get a bit of control in the situation - for example earlier on he was getting a bit funny about getting into his PJs after his bath. He eventually just asked me to leave the room and quietly got dressed while I was out of the room, and it felt like he just wanted to feel a bit of control. But it has to be real control - he is never fooled by the do you want the red cup/blue cup type thing.

Saying all this - he would not have been able to do a lot of this when he was 4, it is something that has very gradually improved. And we definitely still have bad phases where he is too disregulated to do any of this, and occasionally still some epic meltdowns!

@TerrificTadpole these are brilliant tips, thank you! Also great point that the hot weather is probably making everyone a little crankier than normal.

Mine is also a boy - a lot of replies assumed DD. I was trying to be gender neutral in language, because sensitive + boy seems to spark a lot of negativity in the threads I've read.

At least you know that they don’t need support with communication

Sounds really similar in some ways to my 3 year old DD and to be honest, I am wondering if it’s underlying neurovdiversity (older sister has an autism diagnosis but different profile and needs).

I spoke to an OT as I had concerns across multiple areas and they explained how a lot of the behaviours are a result of sensory overload which is causing overwhelm/anxiety and manifesting as controlling behaviours.

My DD appears to be hitting all milestones although I have had concerns around emotional regulation for a while but now also some concerns around social interaction. Nursery/health visitors etc have never been too concerned but this hasn’t stopped me being worried.