How do you cope with having no village?

[ThisGoldTiger]

Apologies in advance if this is long and messy!

We have an 8 month old and they're going through a really challenging stage currently - teething, a bit of sleep regression, separation anxiety and all the other big development milestones for this age. We're actually finding this harder than the newborn stage. It's relentless and tough.

Me and my partner bicker a lot when we typically did very rarely. We're becoming aware that parenting changes that and changes the dynamics of our relationship. We're first time parents. My hormones are still very up and down. We don't have a 'village' or any help/respite, which obviously we knew would be the case beforehand, but we're finding it incredibly tough at the moment.

We don't have loads of disposable income but I've considered getting us each a night away in a cheap hotel just so we both have some respite.

I wake up in the morning feeling a sense of dread - my partner going to work all day and wondering what my day will be like with our baby. I'm counting down the hours until bedtime. I have a great (small) group of friends, only 1 had had a baby who is now school age and the others haven't had children yet. I just feel so incredibly lonely and exhausted. It's really tested us as a couple and we're both in desperate need of a bit of respite, if even just for a couple of hours.

I guess I'm just wondering from other parents how you navigate all of this whilst having no village or support? Please be kind, I'm feeling pretty fragile and emotional at the moment.

Thanks in advance!

Do you work? Just wondering if that would at least give you some time doing something else? What little changes could you do that would make the most difference to you? A babysitter so you could both go out? An uninterrupted night sleep? A someone to come and do the cleaning etc?

We don't have loads of disposable income but I've considered getting us each a night away in a cheap hotel just so we both have some respite.
Can’t you just give eachother this respite without having to stay in a hotel though? One of you is responsible for the overnight with baby and the next morning one night and the other does the next? Surely this can just be done at home?
Then you could use the money to take the load off in other ways.

At 9-12 months there is often a parting of the ways… some mums are happy at home all the time, others are pretty keen to get back to work at least 3 days/week. It’s ok to be in either camp!

Maybe I’m thinking too much of my own experience here but I think having no support is more common than not. I think it’s easy to assume everyone else has family helping out but these days I’m just not sure that’s true. It might be helpful to try to accept that some of this stuff is just the norm- having a baby is tiring and can bring any tensions in a relationship to the surface, and maybe knowing this can help you cut yourselves and each other some slack- you’re not doing badly, it’s hard because it’s hard.

I think everyone does this to some wxtent with their first. Its a bit life adjustment and you make a bit of a meal of it with the first... (or at least i did)
i remember finding it SO hard and being shocked on my 2nd mat leave and thinking wtf was I doing the oldest. (I also had 2 under 2 so it wasnt like my memory was at fault) I was basically bored on 2nd mat leace and I had a colicky CMPA allergy baby so it wasnt all 10hr sleeps....lookong bacl on my first i was always trying to "fix" and optimise things rather than go with the flow.

Right now ... There is one baby and 2 adults.

My advice

• give yourself grace.
• get out every day
• weekends. One of take sat AM and other does sun AM. You are charge from wake up - 11am and need to take the baby out. Park softplay whatever.
• Use the " night away money" to go on a few date nights. You get more bang fornyour buck...We literally had the sitter come 6-10 so 4 hrs and went to the nearest pub/restaurant (normally a 10min walk) . Sitter was £60 and we used a registered CM.

It's hard in yr 1 it gets easier.
Personally i think as soon as they can walk everything improves.

Edit check out the council baby and children's groups also church playgroups as they are cheap!

I always used to have a rough plan of what the week would look like. I think that definitely helped so I didn’t have endless days to fill. I’d always be up and out in the mornings and then afternoons were chilled. I went to a lot of church playgroups where I’d chat with other mums and it was nice seeing familiar, friendly faces every week

Yes, this is what we did. He did all Friday night 8pm-8am ish and I did the same on a Saturday. .

It is really hard. We have an 18mo and hardly do anything as a couple anymore because my Mum lives abroad, we are NC with DP’s Mum and both our Dads died.

I had my FIRST night out since DS was born a few days ago because my Mum was in the UK so had him for the night so DP could come and pick me up without having to drag DS out at midnight.

I know that some nursery staff (if you decide to send your little one to nursery) will offer babysitting at weekends, if that’s something you could explore? My DS goes to a childminder who doesn’t offer babysitting, so we are considering looking for a babysitter for the odd date night.

Go out every day. Sitting at home alone with a baby is not fun. At eight months I think I was going to a different playgroup every day and to the library/swimming on playgroup-free days. If your baby is crawling then going anywhere where they can safely explore is good. Make some friends at playgroup so that you can (hopefully) have someone to watch your child on the odd evening (obviously you have to be prepared to return the favour). Make sure you and your partner both get a couple of hours of free time a week - we do this by taking shifts at the weekend (one of us has the baby on Saturday morning, one on Sunday morning). Afternoons are family time.

I didn’t have any family within several hours drive and then top it all we relocated for DH’s new job when my firstborn was a few months old. So we had to start from scratch in a new place with no family or friends or even colleagues who were friends. Best thing is to join some baby groups / library rhyme time sessions etc which will be good for socialising your baby, soon to be toddler, but equally if not more importantly, meeting other parents with babies & toddlers, and hopefully finding some friends.
As some PPs have suggested, you can each have a day at the weekend where one of you is on ‘baby duty’ and the other gets some time off. Costs nothing and it’s probably nicer than being stuck in a hotel on your own.

We had designated times that we were responsible for in the night. He worked but is more of a night owl than me so he was on duty from bedtime till 1/2 am and I was responsible for the 3am -morning shift. I was SAHM for that period. I made myself go to bed early so I at least was guaranteed a chunk of sleep so I was able to function more. This really helped my mood.

You need to work out times you can both have 'off duty' and get out of the house and do pre-baby things. Ask people who have babies in nurseries near you if any of the staff do babysitting. You need paid childcare you can trust.

I did one out of the house thing every day: a local baby group, trip to the park or just going to the local shop. This is great for you and baby.

If you are worn down, put them in their cutest outfits. It's so hard to be mad at them when they are looking adorable.

Join a few baby groups. It really helps to talk to other people who are going through what you are going through. You feel less alone, pick up some tips (Nelson's teething powders were amazing) and there is always someone who is having a worse time. You might even meet one of two people who could become friends. One girl suggested to myself and another girl that we meet for coffee and we became good friends.

Give each other some respite, a few hours each on the weekend.

Use the money you want to spend on a hotel on a babysitter. Get to know a few local babysitters, build trust so you have someone to call on.

Start building a village. Remember that to have a village you have to be a villager. You have to make the effort to build relationships with people who have similarly aged children/who are in the same boat.

Thank you to everyone for your replies, there's some great ideas/tips I took from each of your comments, so I appreciate that.

We recently finished a weekly baby class and have had a few sessions of a new one but I think I'll look into library sessions/playgroups again as there are quite a few locally. I made a mum friend at the previous class who I've met up with a couple of times but she returns to work full time in a month. I'm learning that it can be tricky making mum friends but also the more I put myself out there with attending other sessions, the more likely it is I'll hopefully form a connection with someone.

We do give each other a couple of hours "off" each day at the weekend but as a few people have suggested, we will do longer on this from now on, so a whole day for example.

One of my friends who has a child has had a lot of family support throughout but I'm very much aware it's actually more common to not have a village of help. My partner thinks this isn't the norm though so I think that's where a lot of his stress comes from in thinking our situation is abnormal which I keep drilling into him that it actually is.

I don't return to work for another few months but I think in the meantime I will look into local childminders/babysitters to give us an evening to ourselves. I was quite weary of this option as to me my little one is so small still but seeing that this is quite a common thing and would obviously work out much cheaper than a hotel stay, I'm going to bite the bullet and start researching/asking around.

Thanks again everyone, I think I just needed a bit of a rant and offload and hearing your responses about being in similar positions has been reassuring.

We’ve never had a village so it’s just always seemed normal to us. The thing I’d say is that having time as a couple away from home is challenging, so focus on having time for yourself. Is your partner home for bath and bedtime? Then they can start doing it while you get a break. Even if you breastfeed, by 1, I’d consider introducing the occasional cup of breastmilk or cow’s milk at bedtime. It means you can be away in the evening.

You can also go do things for yourself. You don’t have to spend every waking moment as a family. Your partner needs to solo parent. What about friends without babies or hobbies you enjoyed before baby? Go meet friends for a coffee or a walk. Start running or do yoga or watercolour painting or whatever you used to do on your weekends pre-baby. Baby will be fine and your partner will stop missing out on solo time together. Build up to more time for yourself. Mine are older now, but from about 18 months, I took a solo holiday every year, anything from 3 days to 2 weeks away. Dh does similar. It’s great! We can’t go away together alone, but hasn’t stopped us travelling.

Then you can’t really have nights out together if you don’t have evening help (and it’s not cheap and actually quite a lot of work to organise), but you can still have time together every week. We made Friday nights date night. We sat at the table and had a proper dinner together. Dh would cook it while I did bedtime. We’d watch a film or sit in the garden and chat. And since I did all the nights, Dh would get up in the morning so I could have a lie in the next day, so I wasn’t missing out on sleep just because we stayed up a bit later.

You really are still in the thick of it though. I felt so much better going back to work. I literally ran back to the office each time! Do take time for yourself though. I think it’s key. Your partner can manage a day out with baby alone even if there is a bit of a learning curve to start.

I got pregnant within four weeks of moving abroad to somewhere where we knew no one and they had no pay leave but DHs boss took pity and gave him a week off in addition to a/l which helped with my planned c section recovery. I did nct etc and made friends but they all had at least one lot of parents around to help whereas the only help I had was paid help or flying my own parents over. I also became ill in pregnancy and had a lot of appointments etc that weren’t appropriate to take a baby to.

I had no choice but to use paid childcare. I had a fab babysitter who treated DS like a grandchild and would sit in the hospital waiting room cuddling DS so I could have an MRI. Then DS went to nursery two short day a week from 6m.

I promise it’ll get easier.

Go out at least three days a week with your baby. Playgroups, story time at the library, swimming session in the baby pool at the council leisure centre, mum and toy groups in church halls and community centres, NCT coffee mornings... They all get you out in the world and gradually making friends.

Your local One Stop centre should have a list of some of these things, if you're looking for somewhere to start. Or phone local churches to ask if they do a toddler play - almost every one around here does, and they are usually just a couple of quid to attend.

Once you've got a bit more structure to your day and are seeing more people it won't feel nearly as overwhelming. It's amazing how good it feels to have a cuppa with other people in the same boat!