Does anyone have a ‘village’?

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Just musing after a day having to bring DC with me to a medical appointment for myself and after a year of parenting with very very little ‘village’ so to speak of. Me and DH are 1.5 hours away from one set of parents and 2.5 hours from the other. There’s nobody to quickly come and watch DC, to take DC out to give me/DH a break. We’ve had one date night just the two of us in a year. We have a lovely time and juggle childcare, hobbies, holidays, family time, meals out and DC comes along. But it’s a different experience to friends who have far more hands on support and it’s something that runs through my mind as we start thinking about TTCing another baby.

I know we chose to have a child and we knew we lived far from family…but just wondering whether our experience is an increasingly common experience or what support from family/in-laws etc looks like for other people?

Yes very much and now mine are oldsr I am grateful for them being around for my young adults.

But I came to say that as a childminder, I am also a 'village' for some families who don't uave family around whether that's due to location or whatever.

Maybe consider a childminder for childcare and have another dependable adult in your children's circle?

Mine are mainly grown now. But no, we never had a village, we moved away from family for employment, my Mum would have helped if she'd been closer. I found people are happy to take help, but not reciprocate and quite frankly I don't think the sisterhood exists, I used to always believe in women supporting other women, but the older I get the less I believe that's the case.
We have one physically disabled child, which does tend to have people scurrying into the woodwork, but frankly he's always been our easiest child.

No I don't have a village.

My DH works away 4 weeks on, 4 weeks off. My DM recently died but she was ill for a long time so couldn't help with the girls as much as she would have loved to. My DF is also not well and uses a wheelchair so again can't help much.

My MIL initially was around and would offer support very much on her terms but has since moved 7 hours away and FIL is in a care home due to a brain injury.

I don't know how I would survive without my friends. Get a date night maybe once a year but never a night away.

I've made my peace with it but the hardest thing is when I'm ill and not having anyone to look after the girls. That is the hardest, loneliest thing about it as when my DH is away he is abroad so unless I'm hospital level ill he can't come back.

We had my mum, but honestly, friends. Got close, quickly, to people in the same situation, and we’d be each others village. Those of us with partners would help the single ones with evening babysitting, we’d do play dates etc. now they are older (early teens) it’s actually beautiful, we all swap children in the hols to help with summer hol childcare!

I know my parents didn’t have one for me growing up, they did everything themselves so it’s always been in my head that that’s just how it is. It’s weird because we do have family members that would be happy to support us but it doesn’t feel natural to me to use them. I have two children who have never been babysat (like literally not once), and any appointments, places etc that one needs to be at I always take both if my partner is working. I wish I was more open to the idea of including a village but I find it really difficult, strange I know

Our dd is an adult now, but yes, we did have a "village" - we worked hard to create it though.

We don’t have family support but we do have a village! We have built good relationships with neighbours and our friends help us out sometimes. The key thing really is that we ask for help! We even managed a weekend away with a tag team of friends and neighbours looking after DS for us. We manage to do lots of lovely things as a couple thanks to the support we receive from others.

I too have always lived far from family - a 2.5 hr plane ride in our case.

My children are 18 and 15 now. When they were young I had a lot of friends who didn’t work / were SAHM and they were my village tbh. Lots of them were also living far from family, so we helped each other out. But it’s not the same as family - nothing beats a dedicated granny for scooping up an upset child and giving them stories, cuddles and attention. We were lucky to have a lot of holiday time with my parents, and they have a close relationship still with my kids. Friends are great, but they don’t have the intimate, deep connections that families do.

i think it’s harder now to find a village among friends, so many women go straight back to work and they just don’t have the time. Most people I know rely on babysitters, nannies etc to help in emergencies.

Yes, but how do you contribute to the village yourself to start with?

You need to work at making connections.
Whether it is being friendly with the neighbours, joining a parent and baby group or whatever. It is so important when you have children to have people to turn to.

I’m a lone parent after ex husband decided he didn’t want family life after 3 kids and moved away ….. my village is just me. That’s it.

its frightening lonely at times - I feel like my life is run so efficiently and to the hour that one small mishap (train delays or school shutting due to the weather!) can disrupt everything and the plates I had carefully spinning all come crashing down. hospital appointments have to be carefully managed and orchestrated - there is no me time. No date nights.
most of my friends are one and done - they simply wouldn’t watch 3 kids to their 1 so there are no offers of babysitting and my parents have made clear that they did their parenting time and moved several hours away

I do think that those do have a husband/partner and worry about the lack of a village always see what they don’t have vs what they do have. You have something far more important in that you have each other and trust me that’s more valuable than any extended family/parents/ in laws/ friends. You do have someone to share the mental and emotional load if not a physical one. Even if they work away you have someone to call if you have a bad day or if there was a major emergency they would come home. The emotional burden and isolation of having no village is far far worse than not having someone who can watch the kids so you can have a break or date night. Trust me.

Yes, but I have worked very hard to build and maintain it. When we had our dc we were 4 hrs from ILs and 6 from DM (my dad died decades ago). DM moved here 5 years ago, but has needed as much support as the DC! DH works away, or has v early starts a few days a week. DC are teens now, so it’s a bit easier, but the village is still vital. I am also part of other people’s villages.

Yes and no. But then it depends on what you consider that village to be for.

I have friends and neighbours that I can call on to look after my kids/pick them up from school/swap play date favours with. My neighbours would be more of an emergency situation.

I wouldn’t use any of those people to arrange childcare because we wanted a night out though. Our kids are 9&8. Family or babysitters are so you can have a night out as a couple. We get this a bit more now they’re older but never whilst they were Little.

I see the village to be people who are around that are familiar with your children, can talk to them, guide them and whatnot. This is obv in varying capacities too.

id recommend expanding your village by getting to know your neighbours - be friendly with them. Perhaps take part in street parties/bbqs/get together - that sort of thing. Make it about building the friendship with them so that if you needed to ask a favour one day, you’re doing it with the knowledge that they know you and your family. Same with school - encourage play dates. Get together with the parents. Put yourself out there and be the one that’s doing the inviting and you’ll probably find that people reciprocate

It was mixed for us, my in-laws lived near but did not help much or at all in the primary years. My SIL’s kids were their priority (and still are for example our kids go to the same school and they pick up SILs kids but would never ask me should they collect mine - bizarre - I ask DH to sometimes ask if they are there to bring ours home too (SIL lives round the corner - literally the road next to us!).

aaaaanyway …. So when they were tiny I’d have to ask friends. My youngest is autistic which I didn’t know then and we had challenging times so often I’d have to text a friend asking them to stop by and take my eldest to school etc.

if the car needs an MOT we’d often give each other a lift, I made friends at school so that we built our village.

It was hard going - from last year my mum comes stay for 3-4 days twice a year - when DH is away with work.

@ImpatientlyWaitingForSummer This is how it is for me too. My mum and dad live close by, the kids have a lovely relationship with them and see them regularly ( same with other set of grandparents) but I don’t use them for childcare. My mum watched my son for an hour when I had an appointment once. Other than that, they’ve never had anyone babysit them. They are still young though.

Yes.

my parents lived 4 hours away and my dad had cancer for ten years before finally dying.

in laws were two hours away but busy being the village to their daughter who eventually had seven kids.

i joined every baby and toddler group going and met up with people who lived locally. When subs sitting circle started up near me I joined in and babysat lots of other people’s kids which built up credit so when I needed a sitter I had people to ask.

i also went to the local church and wound up running their Sunday school and met lots of parents that way.

it’s not something that just happens it’s something you work hard at.

We had a village and still do although DC are adults now. Grandparents were hours away but would babysit one evening on a visit but most support has been local. It took some investment but was so worth it.

I joined a couple of baby / toddler groups in our actual village and made good friends through those. We would provide support for one another through coffee / play dates, nights out together, providing child care for nights out or emergencies.

We also have a strong church community so someone there would help out if we needed it.

We gave as much as we got - we would have friends' DC for sleepovers if needed or provide babysitting and as our DC got older we have looked after younger children at church.

I honestly am not sure how my mental health would have coped without our village and church friends. I always encourage new mums to join a local group and look for a couple of like minded people in it.

Not much of a village, family nearby but they can’t really help for various reasons any more (or won’t help in one grandparent’s case), did a bit more when he was younger but we stopped overnights after a few goes as we got such a bratty wreck back the next day that we spent all day correcting back that it wasn’t worth it.

Some friends I could ask in a tight spot but by finding those I’ve also had experiences of some being happy to take help but being unwilling to return it - so have had to learn to spot the users.

I didn’t grow up where I live now and the way of life is very different, people tend to be less friendly and community minded. But he’s now 11 and fairly responsible so we are getting a bit of freedom back, but the lack of real support was one of the reasons we didn’t try for a second.

I always say I think your own experience impacts so much of how you are when you become a parent yourself. Same with us, our children see both sets of grandparents every week and have a lovely relationship with both of them, but the visits are with all of us together. I’m hoping I get more open to the idea of independent visits/stays etc as the children get older as mine are only young at the moment as well

Zero village. DH and I are parenting totally on our own. After 13 years of it, it really wears you down.

To an extent we do. No parents locally but a lot of good friends who we exchange favours/childcare with.

I have a village, but I've always been a volunteer kind of person and had done a lot of babysitting and help before I had my own kids. I am now a sort of village coordinator, in that I've built up enough goodwill to ask for favours, for myself or other people. My kids are older now so it's more along the lines of "could you possibly give X a lift to this event," or pairing up teens with cat sitting type jobs.

I love the community I have but I know it doesn't come from nowhere. If it only occurs to you when you are in need yourself, and not when you noticed other people around you in need, then it's going to be hard work getting it going. It's worth it though.

Yes we do. On set of parents are 1.5 hours away. The others on the other side of the world. I trust both sets of grandparents with looking after the kids and also my sibling and husbands siblings and cousins. They all have a great relationship with each other but we also make and effort to be involved with their lives.
close to home I have friends thay all help each other out. It’s not transactional. Theirs no guilt felt of someone needs to ask for help. From the outside people may think I’m really lucky which I am but it also does take a lot of effort and compromise. I happily let my kids go to sleepovers, go abroad with family etc. having people in our lives that our children only enriches their lives

I’ve had two experiences of raising children. The first mil was very hands on. She had everything set up at her house we would regularly go visit and she would say why not leave dgc here and have a night to yourselves. We rarely had to take dc to appointments or shoppin etc. it was lovely in many ways and my dc had a wonderful relationship with her but she was also quite controlling she could be your best friend or your worst enemy. She regularly undermined me and exdh. I also had a sister close by who was very hands on too. My parents were in ill health and unable to help)

Then I got remarried and we lived 45 min away from ils but they act like we are on another continent. They rarely had ds and we got the experience of no villiage ( sister had moved 6 hours away) . We just got use to one of us staying at home or taking ds with us.

Now our eldest are adults and they help out with ds. They are our villiage and we will absolutely be their villiage when the time comes.

Yes. We live where I'm from and prioritised remaining close to extended family. It has made the whole parenting shebang so very much easier. We were lucky that it existed for us to slot into, but we also give as well as take and don't live in the south east where we'd earn more.