I feel awful

[itsnotallrainbows]

Hello.
Me and partner have been struggling with our 9 year old son. He keeps having aggressive outbursts that start from thin air.
Tonight for example, he asked his dad to play with him, to which my partner said yes he would once he cools down a bit. Son didnt want to accept this and demanded he played with him.
This caused my son to start kicking, punching throwing things, telling us to shut up and after removing his gadgets as punishment, he didnt stop. To the point, I just lost it, and shouting at him so loud and in temper I threw a shoe at the wall. I would never hurt my child, but I feel absolutely awful. I can't forgive myself and feel like my son is going to remember this forever.
I hate myself

“When it’s cooler” is quite an abstract concept and difficult for a child to comprehend. When will it happen?

I would try to keep things clearer so he knows when things will happen. Talk to him when he is calm because when he is in the midst of a meltdown anything you say will likely just make things worse.

Well it's happened so you have to just move on.

Parents do lose their temper, and you managed to channel it so you were not directly hurting him, which is better.

But you know yourself that going forward if you continue with that style f reaction you will compound his behavioural issues.

For now, though, think of it like sugar: one day of eating a tub of ice cream won't kill you, but if you eat like that frequently, it will impact. With most things, a one-off is survivable.

We all have dodgy parenting moments and it sounds like you’re at your wits end. I would wait for it all to calm down and apologise to your son for your reaction. I have done that when I’ve shouted at my DD2. No excuses or caveating “I’m sorry I shouted but you were not listening”. Simply “I’m sorry I shouted. I should have managed my emotions better.”

With regards to managing your DS, avoid consequences in the moment. Taking away things he likes is never going to calm him down because you’re making him more frustrated. Wait until he’s calmed down and speak to him about it. Does he react like that at school?

Sometimes children need to learn that people won't always react well to their bad behaviour. It's not as though you hit him, you're only human and I think that you need to forgive yourself.

It's done. You didn't mean to hurt your child and you haven't. Unfortunately, you're showing your DS that this behaviour is acceptable. Just tell him you're sorry and that's not how you should deal with things. We've all been pushed to the limit at some point. Learn from it but don't beat yourself up. It's a waste of energy.

I hope you can get to the bottom of your sons temper tantrums.

Sounds like something is causing it, from my parenting experience usually hunger, dehydration, nutrient deficiency, stress from the day, tiredness, screen time or sometimes just a development phase they’re going through

Don’t beat yourself up, most parents have lost it on occasion, I have and have also felt awful, you’re only human!

It’s happened now talk to him when he has calmed down, apologise for shouting, he needs to also apologise and don’t give him back his electronics just yet.

What gadgets and how much does he use them? Screen time is linked with aggression and poor impulse control.

Yes we found tantrums etc went down dramatically after we went screen free, we do allow some now but not kids you tube and action cartoons etc

I do think it's worth keeping track of things like what they're watching and how it affects behaviour.

We have banned YouTube too and noticed it’s definitely helped behaviour

Has his behaviour always been like this? It's quite unusual for a child to be having violent outbursts like this at his age - is he struggling in school, how are his social skills with other children? Do you feel that perhaps there might be some neurodiversity going on?