AITA for wanting my husband to stay and help?

[AmyLeigh93]

AITA? I never post but I seriously need perspective.
Husband and I have an 18 month old. He’s had a bad couple of weeks with night terrors, the heat, and generally really rubbish sleep. We are exhausted. On top of this my grandad died last week after 5 years of caring for him. It was expected but still very hard.
Husband went to football Monday night, to a BBQ Tuesday night (had to call him home as baby had a night terror and after 1.5hrs I needed my team mate), played paddle Thursday even though I asked him to stay and help with bedtime (32 degree heat). He was meant to be looking after him today, but baby wouldn’t nap and majorly kicked off so I had to step in and stop working for a couple of hours. Husband has a wedding tomorrow all day into the night leaving me with nap and bedtime to contend with. AITA to think he should stay home and help? This isn’t a close friend and we were surprise she was invited. I NEVER ask him not to go out - I don’t care and love time by myself - but we are majorly on the struggle bus and I just feel it’s unfair to leave one parent to struggle alone for the sake of a social event.

It would be rude to pull out of a wedding the day before especially when they’ve paid for his place.
I would insist on Sunday he looks after toddler while you go out for the day.

That sounds awful but agree with pp - if it was just some regular plans for a day out I would say he should stay and help, but for a wedding I do think he needs to go but make it up to you another time.

Why are you stopping work to deal with your DS when your DH is supposed to be dealing with it? I probably would have done the same with my PFB but many years of experience later I strongly advise you to knock that on the head and leave them to figure things out

Absolutely don't get your hubby to pull out of a wedding the day before - that's really rude.

It’s rude to pull out of a wedding the day before, not the same as skipping a BBQ at all. On Sunday he gets the toddler to himself though so you can have a break

If it was a general day/night out then yes I would but not for a wedding. I would however have asked and expected him to stay home Thursday if I was really struggling and I thought it would help. I agree though he should be offering to have him Sunday and give you some time off and also do bedtime tonight. Another possible compromise is could he come home earlier than he would have done from the wedding?

It sounds as though he's out socially more evenings than he's home, which indicates that he isn't putting in his share of the parent work. Is that a normal/ typical week? If so, he needs to pause and reflect on whether that's how a good father and partner carries on, with a child so young.

The wedding probably isn't the thing to cancel on - people hold grudges, although it sounds as though he was a reserve list replacement for someone who dropped out, if he didn't expect to be invited and has been invited without you.

He shouldn't drink at the wedding and leave after the speeches/ dinner so he's in a fit state to take over if your toddler is up all night.

Long term ypu both need to talk about whether he thinks you're the default parent and why he isn't doing 50% in the evening and night.

I think it would be rude to pull put of a wedding the day before, but he is totally out of order for not dealing with your toddler whilst you were working.

Could he leave the wedding early so not a late night with drinking? Is he usually out so many evenings? Also it is parenting not helping

I think it needs a broader context. He has a string of social engagements this week but that could simply be scheduling; you should each have roughly equal time out/time to yourself. Skipping the wedding last minute would probably have been awkward and inconsiderate, but he might have had more leeway with some of the other commitments.

He was meant to be looking after him today, but baby wouldn’t nap and majorly kicked off so I had to step in and stop working for a couple of hours. Don't do this! If you have to WFH, close your office door and you and husband (and older children if/once you have them) need to respect that you are working just as if you went out to a separate workplace. Of course you need a way that he/they can reach you in an emergency, but poor sleep and tantrumming are things either of you should be able to routinely handle alone. If he's asking for your help (rather than you imposing it) then I suspect that your time alone with/responsible for the baby isn't well balanced after all and he perhaps needs more practice.

I agree to pull out of the wedding now would be rude so I'd let that go but you need to discuss division of parenting with him.

How much leisure time do you get? He's been out 4 times this week (including the wedding), when do you get time to do your own thing outside of the home?

Thanks so much all. I agree it would be rude to drop out of a wedding at this late notice and I’d be pissed off if someone did this to me so I’ll drop that. I think I’m bitter he still went to paddle last night when I asked him to help me with bedtime.

also to clarify, this isn’t just tantruming from my son - we can both handle a paddy! Hes having night terrors which are absolutely horrific and have a knock on effect at bed time / nap times.

husband is naturally more social able than I am, and I usually love that he goes out and I get a bit of time to myself. He usually would play football on a Monday, and paddle in a Thursday most weeks. Weekends he either catches up on work on Saturdays or is with friends maybe 1/2 weekends a month. He will then go on a couple of weekends away / golf days / cricket / darts through the year. I agree I need to make myself less available and go out more - I just enjoy being at home for bedtimes etc.

its not so much that he’s out, it’s that it’s right in the middle of a really bad sleep period with our son and it generally needs two people to tag team because the night episodes are distressing and my thinking is I wouldn’t leave him at home to struggle alone knowing it’s a bad time right now.

I agree I shouldn’t have stepped in while I was trying to work today. But he asked me to help with the nap, and then his friend came over to play darts and he wanted a quick game so I ended up being the one to get him to sleep.

I have the conversation about the split of parenting semi regularly but since welcoming our son it’s become obvious my husband is not as emotionally mature as I thought he was and he just has a paddy and says I’m trying to cage him in. To be absolutely clear - I’m not that type of wife. I couldn’t care less if he wants to do sports / see friends / whatever takes his fancy - just please be considerate when the little one is struggling and I need my team mate!

Agree with PPs it’s completely unreasonable to drop out of a wedding at this short notice, especially if he’s been included in daytime plans. It wouldn’t have been unreasonable to ask him to have dropped football, bbq or padel but I think you’ll just have to suck this one up now. If it’s any consolation it’s supposed to start getting a little bit cooler, so hopefully everyone can get some better sleep 🤞(I’m also sorry for your loss)