Did stopping co-sleeping help you feel closer as a couple? Is marriage after kids just a friendship??

[Goatscheese21]

Our little boy is 4 months and whilst things have absolutely got easier, my husband and I hardly have any time together anymore. We feel like roommates and I jokingly tell him I ‘miss’ him even though I see him everyday. I guess I miss what our relationship was. I want another baby but I’m just terrified we are never going to have time for each other. I envisage one day an evening of cuddling on the sofa when the kids are in bed but it seems like a lifetime away.

our baby co sleeps at the mo because that’s all he’s ever known due to not liking the cot / bassinet but I’m hoping in a couple months I can practise putting him down in the nursery (not sleep training just repeated exposure).

Co-sleeping means we never get to cuddle, he also contact naps specifically on one of our chests 4 times a day. So we’ve had sex 4 times since the birth, which I guess could be worse but it doesn’t even feel sexy anymore like before because I’m worried baby is going to start crying or wake up. I’m also BF so I guess some of it is also hormones. A couple times were during the day when baby was downstairs on his mat and the other two were when I could roll away from baby but he’s very sensitive to movement so it was a whole ordeal to move away for sex which was once so spontaneous. And so as soon as he goes to sleep for the night I’m confined to my bed.

we used to ‘spoon’ all the time. I think I underestimated how life does really change. We still talk to each other and we still love each other dearly. That’s not a question. My husband tells me everyday how lucky he is and how much he loves our life (as do I, but I’d be lying if I didn’t look back at our old life with fond memories). There are days where I genuinely do embrace the chaotic family life but times where I’m like ‘oh god I just want to nestle into my husbands chest’ but I can’t because babe is glued to me… he’s so innocent I could squash him (the baby!)

We go on walks and we manage to sit down and eat together very quickly and have dinner together whilst baby is in his bassinet ( recent development because he used to scream) so I guess things are SLOWLY getting better. But even at the weekend we always take it in turns to hold the baby or get a ‘chore’ done that’s been bugging us so we haven’t even had a consistent block of time to talk to plan a christening.

Is being married after kids basically just a friendship?? Will the end to co-sleeping improve how close we feel to one another? It’s not just about sex it’s just the cuddling I really do miss.

Our baby is obviously much more important and ultimately he is more important than my husband. He comes first and I’ll co-sleep as long as he needs if he’s not happy going elsewhere but if you DID stop co-sleeping did it improve your relationship? Even if you never co-slept are these feelings pretty normal and will we ever feel like husband and wife again… or maybe I should embrace the new meaning!

Being married after kids is work but it’s where the real joy and connections comes. You’re absolutely in the most volatile part of it so I can promise it gets easier. With the right man. Saying that, it’s so volatile it even gets easier with the wrong man.

Four months is very early days. I think the fact you’ve had sex at all is impressive! I think we waited about 7/8 months.

yes, parenting changes your relationship forever, but you just adjust to a new normal. It will get easier.

This is normal. Not good for your relationship, but normal, especially when baby is so young. Is there anyone who can help - family etc - to babysit? That would probably help you feel better. If breastfeeding its even harder but you are not far off starting to wean and as baby gets older you will get more freedom. Our relationship
(and personal lives in general) took a backseat when the children were little. We acknowledged it, talked about how we had to get through it and our children are older now and it is loads better. It will be for you too. Having a second or more baby obviously delays the gradual return to normality but your marriage is for life and you have years of closeness ahead of you, you just have to see the bigger picture and understand this is a phase.

Can’t remember who but a comedian said parenthood is basically running a small crèche with someone you used to date.
Feels pretty true most of the time.

We don’t, we live hours away from family but we did visit our parents for a week and my mum said we should go on a date night and I had to laugh out loud because that’s such a foreign concept to me now… I guess that’s mainly because of the breastfeeding (he still feeds pretty much hourly) but you’re right - solids are not too far away and I do think as he grows I might start to express a bottle here and there when we do visit family

Honestly it gets better and you’re already doing a lot more than some. And seeing your partner as a parent increases the attraction on the whole. Our sex life now 19 years down the line (with adult and teenage children now) is fantastic and the nights of sneaking to the spare room for sex is a long ago memory. Breastfeeding for extended periods with all 4 of my children has resulted in my boobs being amazingly sensitive for sex now but I do recall at the time worrying I’d never feel sexy again- my boobs leaked when I orgasmed and that was very weird and off putting. But honestly it all comes back and just carve out a little time here and there and do as you’re doing. We have only had a handful of nights away from our kids and none before the baby (whichever one it was) was 2.5-3 years old so don’t believe you have to be off on your own by the time the baby is 6 months etc.

Four months is teeny tiny. It does get easier! Having had sex at all by this point is quite an achievement. We went at least 6 months without, probably more.

At 4 months mine could only contact nap but by 6 months (probably sooner) he no longer needed that. It changes so quickly.

4 months is tiny but yes, your life and your marriage has changed, fundamentally. You'll be better off in the long run if you accept this, learn to appreciate your new life and work with it.

It gets easier but also harder. Soon you'll be able to put him to bed at 7pm.and he'll sleep for stretches in his crib. But he will also start walking in 6-10 months and that's the end of any leisurely quiet restaurant trips. You still get to go and do lots of stuff but they are different. Once you go back to work, there will be some even bigger challenges and yes, you will feel like roommates sometimes.

You also don't randomly have a whole afternoon to chat through planning a big event anymore. You have to MAKE the time and do it.

You have a very romantic idea of things. I don't blame you, I remember when it hit me that my life is never going back to how it was. It hits hard but you just have to move on for your sanity

I agree with others, it's so early! I felt similar though. At that stage we had had sex once, we didn't get going regularly until he was nearly a year old but things got back on track pretty quickly after that - with the cot being more in use as you say and when breastfeeding was reducing as the hormones definitely killed my drive. Be patient with yourself and each other and find time together where you can. It will come.

4 times in 4 months?

That’s quite an achievement!

With both my babies me and DH didnt have sex for at least a year!

You are still so early into the journey of parenthood OP and there is no rush in teying to work out how to balance motherhood and a relationship. Take some pressure off yourself. Just be kind to each other, try and give each other a cuddle when you find the time and jjst wait for things to fall into place. It will happen but 4 months really is no time at all.

😂 definitely not! I mean Dh and I are close, but marriage after children is different. You aren’t going to feel like yourself again until you’re well rested and can breathe again a bit. That won’t be aided by getting up to settle a baby in another room 4 times a night. I would say when they were about 2, things started to feel a bit more normal again. But it’s definitely not the co-sleeping.

Also y can still have sex even if co sleeping. I co slept with my eldest til about 3 and youngest at least a few nights a week until 6. You just have to plan things a bit.

Ours are 2 and 3 and still in our bed 😫 our sex life is non existent but we try and make time to feel closer, with hugs and kisses etc. kids just destroy any intimacy and we’re shattered by the end of the day. They are the ultimate contraception 😆

That is true. At least I feel I get much more rest this way being in bed all night rather than getting up.

When you say you coslept until they were 3 / 6 did you have to go to bed when they did? Or did you go to bed with them and when they got into a deep sleep, slipped away? I don’t mind co-sleeping (in a perfect world he’d be in a cot by 2) BUT my husband doesn’t get home until 7 due to commuting back etc and so I do worry that when earlier bed times become earlier I’m gonna have to just not eat dinner with my husband and confine myself to bed😔

Im still cosleeping with my 2.5yo and what we do is i put her to bed in our bed, and stay with her until shes in a deep sleep. In the meantime, DH makes dinner (he also gets home just after 7pm) and I slip away by 8pm downstairs. We have the monitor on the bed to keep an eye on her and usually eat about 8.30pm. DH and I then have a few hours together in the evening before I go to bed about 11pm back in with DD2 and he sleeps in the spare room. Yes it is a bit of a killer on our sex life and it was quite alien at first as DD1 was sleeping in her own cot & room from about 11months? For us, marriage is about patience, kindness and being a team for the long term and im very lucky that my DH recognises the phase we are in right now and knows it isnt forever.

I see that’s a good set up! Of course sex really isn’t a priority even before kids. I think I’m just wondering about getting a little evening back here and there for a couple of hours and wondered how on earth it’s possible when we co-sleep but from what you’ve said, it will be possible one day :)

Absolutely. And honestly, like pp have said, 4months is still so early. Everything changes at 6months and again at 1y and then 2y. You will find your groove again.

We are at 8 months and no sign of a sex life at all… but I’m also on gynae waiting list for episiotomy complications. Just following this thread in case any more good tips come up.

4 times in 4 months with a newborn is good going. There's always someone who comes along to say they were back riding within 4 days and it's better than ever, and good luck to them. I don't think I wanted DH anywhere near me for at least 8 months, I wanted to sleep and not have anyone touch me. I wouldn't say my body felt like mine for a long time, I'd had two sections (1st one was an emergency after failed ventouse so I was a wreck) and took a while to get confidence back in being sexy.

I think once you get more rest and have more of a consistent routine with bedtimes, it does gradually come back. Neither of mine coslept but elder DD was a terror for shouting "mummy" at the wrong time which doesn't help the mood. For us we worked as a team and kept the communication going when we were in the trenches of parenting babies/toddlers and we were more like room mates than a couple who liked to have sex!

Is there any way you could prioritise a move closer to family? It would make a big difference if it’s possible.
To avoid feeling like roommates, which is often a death knell for what has previously been an okay relationship, you really need to keep up other intimacies like the spooning you mentioned. Cuddle up watching telly rather than be at opposite ends of the settee, have a hug before going off to work, still enjoy long kisses without any expectation of intercourse. Run each other baths and stay and chat, hold hands on walks, there’s lots of ways.

Once your wee one gets to age 3 it’s a completely different life, it’s just keeping grounded together whilst you’re in the trenches. You both sound lovely, I wish you every success.

Our daughter is 6 and my husband and I are still waiting on her sleeping through and not getting into our bed by midnight (which she does every night)! Also, I have two older children from my first marriage (16 yo still at home some of the time) so indeed - things have kind have taken a "back seat" as it were!!