Please help me address DD8's behaviour. I don't know what to do.

[Wormam]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some advice. DD8 has increasingly started responding in an almost angry way to simple questions or requests. These are all today since getting home from school.

Example: Took a large bar of chocolate out of the fridge and asked how much she could have.
I replied: what do you think is a sensible amount? (in a friendly tone)
Her: This much so I'll just starve then (squeezes fingers together to make like a crumb)
Me: No, that's not what I said, try again.
Her: ok this much, (snapped off 6 squares)
Me: Yeah good choice

Or tidying up
Me: Can you pick up everything that is yours off the floor please?
Her: Fine I'll just do everything and be your slave forever and put everything in the bin
Me: No, I've just asked you to pick your own toys up

Countdown to shower:
Me: Hey, you've got 5 mins to finish watching your programme then it's time to go in the shower
Her: Ok that's it, I'll turn it off now and never watch it again. I'll go in the shower right now.

It's honestly exhausting me, I'm not a shouty parent, I'm very calm and don't say no unless there's a reason to requests she makes. I've never threatened to remove toys or anything permanently, in fact I can't remember ever removing anything from her since she was a toddler. If she does something wrong, which is rare tbf, we talk about it. It's just the last few months, simple requests or statements are met with this attitude that inflates what I've actually said into something that isn't necessary.

I have asked her about it and she said she doesn't know why she says these things.

How would you address this?

Sounds like you’re addressing it perfectly

This all sounds pretty normal to me for her age. Just try not to let it wind you up.

I’d laugh. It’s ridiculous!

My almost 8 year old is the same. They are just pushing boundaries I reckon as are feeling more grown up.

I would just ignore the dramatics, she's just trying to get a rise out of you. It's end of term, they're all tired and grumpy (and hot today too!) Just stay calm and carry on as normal. As long as she's actually doing what you've asked, ignore the attitude. Don't feed it with attention.

Once the chore is done and she’s calm and settled have you asked her why she reacts that way/why does she think you’d give her such extreme consequences, considering it’s never happened before? Are you still with her dad? Is something going on at school? Any friends with very strict parents? Does she watch stuff online?

Very normal for this age, IME. Don’t engage with the drama, keep your responses calm and rational.

This would be my dream child
id love to have your problems

dont fret it , stay cslm and carry on

I have 8yo twins and BoyTwin is a really really lovely boy but he went through a phase of doing this and it drove me NUTS.

He's coming out of it now thank God.

Coupla things -

One, I noticed it happened when he was tired/ stressed. So watch out for that, end of sch year, hard to sleep with lots of daylight/ heat.

Two, I think in BT's case, it is a (bad) attempt to gain more independence/ control. So I am mindful of encouraging bits of independence and really praising him when he does it.

However, third, I am also a big fan of honesty in parenting. I do think based on what I see on MN, a lot of parents communicate badly. They don't seem to say what they really think in an age appropriate way. Instead, they say something that's very carefully filtered and designed to get the reaction they want. But kids sense inauthencity.

So I tell BT straight - what you just said is a story. I did not say you were a slave. Stop saying that please as it's rude to pretend I said that.

I don't say that meanly but firmly.

He has grown out of it / starting to - it lasted.probs 3-4 mos

This

Although notice in each of your responses that you set out, you start with the word 'no'.

So with the chocolate, 'well we certainly dont want you to starve so what do you think is a reasonable amount?'

With the room tidying 'well we dont want any slavery in this house so just pick up your things please'

Everyone goes on about how tough toddlers and teenagers are, but nobody ever talks about the hideous age that is 8! They get so stroppy! I think it's the beginnings of 'hormones', or maybe recognising they're not 'little' any more. It's tough. Try the book 'How to talk so kids will listen'. An oldie, but a goodie.

with my children I would respond with humour I think to defuse the tension, depends if yours would react well to that.
kind of agree with what they say then wildly one up it to something ridiculous. Then laugh and say ‘or we could just turn it off in 5 minutes’’ Etc

It depends what you're prepared to tolerate. My own mother had zero tolerance for 'backchat' and I didn't dare answer her with any kind of cheek, sarcasm or rudeness. I was probably a bit more lenient with my own but not much. Personally I think it's disrespectful behaviour and it'll get worse if you don't set your boundaries for how you're prepared to be spoken to.

Yes I’d respond with ok then. Eg I won’t ever go in the shower again as you’ve told me to get out after 5 minutes.
with ok then.

Do you remember the Catherine Tate whatever? Do that but nice. They are looking for a reaction.

I once dropped my teenager off after a very hard car journey and smiled and waved and with the other hand flicked the middle finger (out of view) childish but kept my cool 👌 she’s nice now! (Ish! She still has her moments) 😂

Thank you for the pointers, I hadn't considered that I'm saying no, maybe she's hearing that as no to her response as opposed to me trying to defend that I'm not a slave driver or banning her from tv for the rest of eternity.

Also semi glad to see it's common at this age. She is an absolute dream, she's smart, funny and really kind, it's just this attitude. I think it dents my parenting ego a bit, I wouldn't mind if I deserved responses like that but I genuinely try to give her the best life.

I'll give a chuckle a go, I fear that might compound her anger but we'll see.

She has also had a rough 12 months with family separation, dad left and disappeared for a few months before coming back into our lives. This didn't coincide with him leaving or coming back though, although she's definitely processing everything still.

No child of mine would have got away with this kind of rudeness. I’m amazed at the responses on this thread. If you allow this at 8, they’ll be unbearably rude in their teens.

Get annoyed, point out how rude it is and put in consequences if necessary. How else is she supposed to learn? Parents (and specifically mothers here) aren’t there for a child to practise their backchat on.

Parents used to just laugh at this kind of nonsense. I’m far from rude now, I have a job where I professionally engage with all groups and ages of people well. I would definitely punish for swearing or name calling, but the phrases above are just normal angst and deserve to be treated with contempt.

Tiredness

Hormones

I teach year 3 and it's an age where some children are starting to go through puberty, especially girls.

Some children are able to articulate how they feel (I remember one girl telling me, "Sometimes I feel really angry and I don't know why,") but they can't always recognise or name their feelings, let alone understand or explain them.

The first one about the chocolate is a bit annoying, a bit more guidance might help.

Try saying yes instead of no.

But generally this seems not unusual.

Yeah you need to pull her up about her attitude as she is pushing boundaries.

Your DD needs consequences, reprimands followed by action including your tone of voice being stern on occassions when she is rude, to show her that her attitude is pretty disgusting to be honest and you will not stand for it etc etc.

Don't let her walk all over you without consequences, then she will know she can not and will not get away with it.

It is a balance of not being unkind to her but enforcing boundaries which are age appropriate and still being emotionally available to her so that if she is dealing with difficult kids at school for instance, your DD can always feel safe to speak to you.

Is he using threats like these when she is with him though? Or putting ideas on her head?

Hormones, grumpiness and heat. Just tell her to be nice and behave or the Good Fairy will come along and turn her into a goon.

OP honestly please don't start self policing all your language.

If "no" is the first thing that comes into your head, say it! It is not mean, bad or wrong to say what you mean in a measured way.

You and she have been through a tough time. Because of that and also a normal life stage, she is pushing boundaries. Tell her clearly and kindly that you don't accept this and move on.

Don't spend ages twisting yourself in knots. You will not damage her by saying no. Have confidence in yourself :)

Oh mine does that! Apparently “all of his thoughts are dark and gloomy” as well. Perhaps he should just throw himself in a volcano and then shoot himself and then we’d be happy.

We use a combination of ignoring and gentle mocking (his thoughts being dark and gloomy gets brought up a lot). We model normal communication. We offer to sign him up to acting lessons since being dramatic is so much fun. I assume we are going to have a great time with him as a moody goth/emo teen. Hopefully he will grow out of it at some point over the next two decades!