Is it normal for life to still be so chaotic by the time they’re 2?

[Iambeat]

Baby had colic. I literally didn’t sleep for days at a time. No support from partner or outside. Advice at that time ‘lower expectations’ on cleaning household responsibilities etc. But child is 2 now and everything feels just as chaotic. The house is a mess and unclean, we are late for everything, letters go unopened, I fall out of bed and get them to nirsery and go to work (unwashed). 2 yr old doesn’t sleep well & I have night of no or little sleep. Im off work often as toddler is sick every few weeks and my performance is terrible from lack of sleep. My priority is ensuing she is fed washed stimulated and loved. After this there is just no time for anything else. But, I see other mums at the park etc who are groomed organised and working full time.

My partner works full time and has an autoimmune condition so it’s difficult to ask for more from him and he says all I do is moan (if im honest, that’s true).
I was quite an organised person in the past and I struggle with the constant mess, flakey- ness and disorganisation of life now.

Anyone else go through this? When does it change? Or what did you chamge to improve things? Thanks

*the app on my phone makes it difficult to amend typos

I think maybe it sounds like the sleep deprivation is the problem?

I have a two year old (and a four year old) and I don’t feel like this - it’s a juggle but I have a shower every morning, walk my dog, makeup is done on the train, house is clean-ish but sometimes messy. But mine both sleep. Don’t get me wrong, I feel burnt out from work and things feel a bit chaotic sometimes. But I wonder if it’s the sleep, because when you’re sleep deprived, it’s really tough

I have a two year old and I can relate to our house still being chaotic with being u tidy with toys but she sleeps through now and is generally not too hard to look after. She has her moments but over all I feel it’s not too bad. My husband also has an auto immune condition but doesn’t stop him doing his fair share as we both work full time. I think maybe you’re doing too much yourself rather than sharing the load maybe?

I was just thinking on some stuff that helped me. With the illnesses, we realised that vitamins and probiotics helped a lot, and we don’t have much time off nursery now.

Is your toddler in their own bed? The lights where they can’t get up until 6.30am helped several friends. We did gentle sleep training and let them read their own books in their cot after their stories from us. That massively helps as bedtime routine is done by 7.30am, and generally they both sleep through til about 6.30am.

The cleaning - toddlers love to help! I have a big soft swifter mop, we put some Disney songs on and the kids push that around while I vacuum, wipe surfaces etc. We wipe down the bathroom while they’re in the bath. I photograph any important post and then chuck it out as I know I wouldn’t bother filing it. Put it in a documents folder and deal with it on the commute.

Those things help. I still haven’t managed to get a haircut in months, still have to run around tidying before people come over, and have laps bought a couple of extra baskets to chuck stuff in that previously loved on the end of the table

Honestly OP everyone is different. Groomed healthy parents who are busy but coping usually have good sleepers. They might think they are tired and might have a child who wakes once for a settling or who wakes earlier than they would like but unless you've experienced consistent severe sleep deprivation you cannot possibly understand it. I was there. Many years ago now but i still think of it. For me things improved dramatically about 3.5. Until then dh and I did numerous shift changes at weekends. One person did early wake and other took over at 9 after a lie in. Early person went back to bed til lunch then took over. Second shift person went down for afternoon nap. Nighttime was in half shifts too. Someone got early night with ear plugs and other was on duty for first half. It's very hard that you can't do this with DH. If you can afford a sitter organise one and nap. If you can afford a cleaner get one. If you can't do any of this take a few sick days while baby is in nursery and just sleep and do nothing for 2 days. More if you can afford it. Then if you can organise a day off, tackle a few jobs around the house. If you have no leave I'm sure dh can bring child to the park for a few hours and let you get organised. But sleep and rest need to come first. Best of luck, it's hellish. Life can only get easier though

That was me 6 months ago, the sleep deprivation almost ruined my career and everything else. My child is now and 2 and what changed is he started sleeping. So I think you need to tackle the sleep somehow if it's not happening on its own.

My youngest didn’t sleep through for a long time, and my house was total chaos. I am not very organised at the best of times, but lack of sleep made everything much harder. Mine weren’t in nursery and I was at home but it was still really hard. I miss those years sometimes but not the shattering exhaustion.
Honestly OP, just do what you can, at some point sleep will get better.

Thanks for advice and perspectives.
Yes, the sleep deprivation is likely the cause. I tried gentle sleep training but found (when it came to leaving the room) the longer or the more paten I left her the more upset she got to the point she was screaming and flexing her body. It was very difficult to comfort her and get her to calm down, I felt very guilty after it. She moved rooms at nursery in December and her sleep has been bad since that time. She clings to her hat coat or bag all day. The nursery staff say ‘she has had a great day’ but I'm not always convinced. At first they said she didn’t want to sleep, after a push from me they have started getting her to nap but not until 2ish resulting in a 3-3.30 wake up pushing bed time to nearer 10. Ive asked multiple times to try her earlier but they say she isn’t interested in napping at 12ish (she naps at this time at home, no issues).

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions. I think I’ll ask reduce hours at work to try and get some time to myself to catch up on sleep and clean my house.

Honestly OP everyone is different. Groomed healthy parents who are busy but coping usually have good sleepers.

This.
They also often have 4 healthy and interested GPs living within a 10 minute drive and money for cleaners and gardeners.

It's going to be chaotic when you have energy use it to tackle the disease not the symptom (ie declutter and get storage systems in place dont "do a big tidy" which will be wrecked in 2 days )

I dont washing bedding every week now ...its every 3 weeks ish. No one has died.

YANBU.

Families who: Have a village and/or have a child who sleeps through(ish), will never be able to understand what it’s like when you don’t have one or both of those things.

I’ve been thinking about this today and it really is SUCH a different parenting experience for those families. When I see my friends having their second child before their first one has even turned two, I know that they must have amazing sleepers and local grandparent help!