3 Year Old Son, Suspected AuDHD - Violence and Hyperactivity Advice

[OneWiseBlueSheep]

My son is 3 years 2 months, he is suspected to be on the autism spectrum and also health professionals have mentioned ADHD is highly likely. He doesn't stop, from the moment he is awake to the moment he goes to sleep, he dropped naps at 11 months.

First of all he has started being violent towards me and his father and our 2 cats, we re-direct as best as we can but unfortunately sometimes I have shouted, he doesn't react, he laughs and does it again or screams and hits himself, the sofa or one of us. We can't take him anywhere without him attacking other children, screaming or it ending in a meltdown.

Time out doesn't work, he doesn't have the developmental understanding for cause and effect, (He is speech delayed and more like a 2 year old in terms of understanding) His social range is '18-24 months emerging.' I've tried low demand language as I suspect PDA is playing a role here, other things we have tried:

Sensory re-direction (This can rile him up even more?)
Removal from the room (Literally taking him upstairs as we have an open plan house)
Reward chart (Not interested doesn't understand)

For context: His childminder is on holiday until the end of this month, he will go back as normal Mon-Fri 9 hours a day, he is more regulated when he goes to childcare, but she has mentioned he has started hitting other children and has never shared, he hates attention being diverted. His behaviour is so different with his childminder it's honestly baffling. I know we are his safe space and that is fantastic but I'm concerned, if his true nature is to attack everyone around him?!

I’m not sure it’s “his true nature to attack everyone around him”, it’s probably from overwhelm but the effect is the same for you

If you’re open plan can you put some things in to reduce the noise? My DF used to have open plan without many soft furnishings and the noise was awful. Does he for instance have a little den to retreat to?

I have one who is diagnosed with AuDHD and I don’t think that stickers or time out ever worked. Instead have a read of 10 days to a less defiant child.

If his understanding isn’t there, has he had a hearing test to rule out Glue Ear and has he been referred to SaLT?

And I’m assuming that if he’s already on the pathway that you’ve applied for an ECHP? If not, I would do this as soon as possible as you’ll preferably want this in place before he starts school. You can use the templates from IPSEA.

Do come on over to the SN Children Section too. There are some experienced and supportive MNers in there

Sending strength and hugs OP.

Our DS used to be very physical at that age and it tended to be when he couldn’t communicate.

As he’s got older and has a comms device the physical behaviour has declined as he can, usually, communicate with us.

Is there any pattern to when the physical behaviour starts?

As PP says, a den area might help to retreat to. Our son needs pressure so places he can squish into used to help.

This does sound really tough. Has he had a
sensory assessment for SPD from a specialist OT?
It sounds like he would benefit from sensory integration techniques.
Have any professionals observed him at the Childminder’s? Does she share any tips or what he likes to do there?
It really sounds like he’d benefit from a specialist EYFS provision or inclusive nursery.
Youve said you know that the strategies you’ve tried aren’t appropriate for his developmental stage.
Are there communication strategies in place from SALT? He may be less frustrated if he can communicate his needs.

Our DD likes pressure to do a weighted blanket at night helped and she liked being rolled in a blanket at this age.

Agree with communication being a big factor. Have you tried using some Makaton signs with him OP?

He is under early years SEND who have been wholy unhelpful as he copes in setting, they said a plan cannot be put in place until he fails to cope. EHCP was raised by me anyway as I am submitting parental evidence. Section 23 in place with LA. He has been observed but he doesn't display enough need for even an ISP in setting, all his behaviours are at home.
We are still on a years wait for SALT and the private SALT in the area isn't available until Dec 2026/Jan 27 :(
For OT we have to do a workshop first before they will assess him, I am hoping the workshop helps.

@ExplodingSmittens On waiting list for SALT still, not even been seen in person yet :( I have tried to get him assessed hearing wise but the GP clicked around his ears and said nah its not hearing it's sensory overwhelm.

@Noshadowsinthedarkness We don't have room unfortunately in our house, the only place we could turn into a den would be his room which is already a sensory adapted space for him in that respect. We keep lights off, he has ear defenders, blankets, a dark tent, chewies, a spinny chair, all his toys are downstairs, he has a basket of fidgets. I am honestly running out of ideas :/

@ExplodingSmittens I wanna apologise for that bit, it's not his true nature I think I'm just about surviving off 3 hours sleep a night and 4am wakes constantly now for ages :/ I know he is having a hard time. Every single turn it's a battle and I'm just exhausted.

We tried makaton and he just does it over and over like a stim, he does use verbal communciation, he can request what he needs, I don't think I conveyed what he is like properly, he uses scripted speech and echolalia but we do get the jist of his requests. It doesn't seem to help though, for example he wants food, he gets food, but he will still become disregualted and start trying to attack the cats, or his dad for sitting on the sofa. It's random and unpredictable

It doesn’t sound like you are getting much helpful support and advice locally. It’s good that you are seeking a parental EHCNA.
Have you tried keeping a record of incidents to look for any patterns and share with professionals. You could also try STAR analysis Setting Trigger Action Result to begin to unpick some behaviours.
The book The Out of Synch Child has Fun would provide more sensory activities and ideas.
You could also look at Attention Autism.

This sounds like sensory overload tbh. He may benefit more from a calm, under-stimulating environment. Have you been recommended to do a course such as Triple P? This would help you tremendously with strategies to support him and manage dysregulation.
Does he have younger siblings?

Thank you, we do feel like professionals are doing the wait and see approach.
I'll pick up that book cheers.
I have a spreadsheet documenting his behaviours, and log notable events

Ah, no we've not been directed to that, he is an only child

Triple P is not recommended for children with SEN. I attended training for that with a colleague years ago. I think it originated in Australia?
We knew from the start that it wouldn’t work for our children ( special school) at the time our LA were rolling it out and had paid for the training.
Our head said we wouldn’t be using it or training others.
It didn’t take off in our LA but may be used/recommended in some areas.

@OneWiseBlueSheepit sounds as though you're already doing a great deal. This is a tough age and frustration plays a big part with the child getting bigger and stronger but with delayed understanding. There is an online Stepping Stones Triple P programme where children have additional needs, might be worth a look?

Triple P isn’t for schools, it’s for parents who are managing challenging behaviours in their children no matter the reason. It is very non judgemental and most parents I’ve signalled it to have found it very supportive.
https://www.triplep-parenting.uk.net/uk/triple-p/

Yes we were being trained to roll it out to parents.

Thank you x

I’d echo getting a full hearing test, it’s entirely possible your child can hear most things on a 1:1 or in quiet spaces but when there’s background noise, more than one person speaking etc they can’t separate out sounds. My DD had the “see she can hear” test with someone whispering directly in her ear. She was then diagnosed with 40% hearing loss in both ears.

I do agree with asking for a Hearing Test again, I know you’ve already asked and it’s exhausting to keep on but they really are useful. Would the HV refer him if the GP won’t?

Short term - can you emulate some of the childminder's routines at home? If it is having a positive effect.

Long term, I think other posters have already given good advice of how to keep pushing for more help and support.

Hmm, we did try taking him to the sealife place she takes him to and he had a meltdown. I think it is the kids he is with all the time that regulate him / he masks, or is used to her home. I asked her if there is anything specific she does and she said its literally free play all day apart from random outings. :|