Daughter hates being told what to do - not PDA but I’ve got a couple of questions if anyone can help?

[FusionChefGeoff]

DD(11) is definitely not affected to the extent that she needs a formal diagnosis as she can regulate / mask her responses well and generally behaves and responds OK - but I’ve definitely noticed that she absolutely HATES being told or even asked to do something and when I’ve read around PDA and used those approaches she responds a million times better. Most of the time so far, her desire to be a good girl and please everyone outweighs her reaction but that’s not always the case and I’m aware it may change as she hits puberty!

One thing I’ve been musing on is that she absolutely refuses to blow her nose and she gets hayfever so she’s constantly full of snot.

Is this linked as in she feels it as a demand from her body? She’s not in control so ignores the snot? If so, any approaches I can try when, in this situation it’s not me making the demand, it’s her body?

Or is this nothing to do with that and all about the physical sensation that she hates (which is also the case I think)

Her self care in general is pretty low - hates showers, but loves baths, hates brushing teeth, hates wearing deo, brushing hair, washing face - and again, I can’t work out if these are psychological barriers or sensory ones!

Any tips in general for approaching any of this would be hugely appreciated!

The bit I find a bit concerning is the "desire to be a good girl" sentiment. It might just be poorly worded, but if she's learnt compliance through people pleasing and the idea that if she obeys she's good and if she doesn't she's bad then that is pretty fundamental and will play into this a lot.

I think the best approach at this age is saying that her life is easier if she doesn't smell, isn't covered in snot and doesn't have bad breath. Her body will be healthier and won't hurt, and people who don't smell have better interactions with other people.

As much as I hate it, yes that’s her personality - she’s very different to my son who’s much less worried about what other people think but she does seem very driven to people please. I am doing what I can to counter that but I fear it’s probably just part of who she is now.

Not sure how that’s relevant to the demand avoidance question though could you explain? Also do you have experience of demand avoidance as that’s the context I’m hoping for.

Also, logic and reasoning doesn’t tend to work she just pushes back even harder as she feels it as the demand intensifying I think…

Don’t understand why you think she doesn’t need a neurological assessment/potential diagnosis? Masking can be exhausting and may lead to burn out later… PDA can be part of ASD.

i think it’s an interesting age where they half want to be a child so personal care isn’t always on their minds. I imagine she will become more aware as she gets a little older. Sounds very normal to me. Perhaps try letting her work stuff out for herself more and less telling her what to do? It’s part of them becoming more independent

Honestly, I think this is called being 11. I think there is a tendency to pathologise everything these days and think everything needs a behavioural plan and meds. But this is being 11. It’s a rough age. I think you simply pick your battles.