Anyone else struggling with a high needs baby at 12 months

[Soapandglory123]

My 12 month old has been hard work since birth, no allergies, maybe ND but too soon to say, could just be his temperament. He alternates between moaning and crying and brief periods of happiness, the term I’m seeing is high needs. After a year I’m just so worn down and not feeling like myself anymore. I am well supported by his dad and family and everyone tries so hard but he’s just such hard work, it’s so demoralising to get so little return for our efforts. Other babies seem to be so much happier. He’s just started nursery and is the same there. Crawling, walking etc none of this has helped. I am not sure what I’m hoping for I guess just kind words from anyone who experienced this because none of my friends babies are like this so it’s isolating. I think I’ve managed to remain optimistic and ok for a year but I’ve run out of steam now. The only thing that works really is walks in the buggy but obviously I can’t be out walking constantly. He is also sleeping pretty well at the moment so it’s not a sleep issue.

What specific examples? That sounds very normal in my experience. What are you doing on non nursery days? Mine has always needed to be out a lot - swimming, playgroups, park, library etc. much tougher being home! She has got much happier since being able to walk properly.

My DS was quite hard work at that age, still. Needed constant entertainment but wasn't quite able to entertain himself yet. Pretty normal.

I would try not to label him 'high needs' - many one year olds are hard work and comparing him to other babies isn't helpful. You're not with them 24/7 and they probably moan and whinge at times too!

All behaviour is communication so you need to try and decode what is bothering him, things usually get easier when nearer 2 and able to communicate more verbally. In the meantime, try and figure out what triggers his crying/moaning - is he eating well? Is he getting frustrated with certain toys/situations/trying to communicate something?

As others have said, getting him outside and physical activity can be a great mood lifter - does he like swimming, playing on the swings, pottering in the woods, having a picnic in the park? Have you tried mum & baby groups, storytime at the library, music groups, messy play? Mine used to love a small paddling pool and toys in the garden at that age, lots of pouring and splashing and used to keep them busy for ages. Have you tried putting music on, nursery rhymes and singing and dancing with him?

It can be tough and feel like a long day when you've got a 1 yr old - getting out and meeting other mums can make it feel less lonely. Once you start chatting, you'll soon realise very few are finding it easy! It's good that your little one sleeps well so you get a bit of time to yourself in the evening to recharge.

He’s ok outside but I can’t be outside constantly and I have no garden. I have taken him to baby groups and he is ok for a bit. Nursery have commented that he doesn’t like being put down and can’t play independently at all. Not feeling the best mum. I just want him to be happy :( it’s tough. walking hasn’t helped

My kids loved this indoor toddler trampoline at that age. https://www.argos.co.uk/product/4725697?clickPR=plp:2:21

I wouldn’t expect a baby of that age to play independently. Mine is 20 months and has only just started to do anything on her own, and even then it’s for a few mins.

I found one hard, especially with my first. They can do a lot more and usually understand but they have limited ability to communicate with you.

If Tongue Tie and CMPA have both been ruled out as these can both often cause clinginess, then I’d start by introducing a few simple signs to aid communication, like milk, more, up, yes and no.

How does he do on this simple progress checker?

Why do you assume no allergies? Mine had cmpa and the main symptom was clingyness and crying.

I feel I can relate to this😔 My daughter (she's 2 now) has been a hard work too (seems a lot harder to look after than her cousins, at least!), and it was especially so when she was 6m-12m+ or so. She was crying inconsolable a lot, couldn't be put down, and I had to hold and bounce her during the day/nap & sometimes over the night. She was refluxy and vomitting often too, and she was frequently crying from reflux/bloating/colic or something (which we didn't know the first several months). Have you checked if your baby doesn't have something like a silent reflux? Or maybe bloating/wind? Ours probably was quite bloated/trapped wind all the time, and lot of the time we couldn't tell why she was crying so much.

Also, later when she started to eat more, she got constipated regularly - we later figured out that she seemed to be actually still constipated even when she has a regular BM. GP can prescribe Movicol which we've still been using and it helps to some extent.

Another one is that teething can make your baby's mood really bad, and often it's difficult to see if he also has other problems like mine had, but you'd probably want to try giving Calpol to see if it makes any difference first.

Having said that all, now we're kind of sure that it's also our daughter's temperament too, aside from all the physical discomfort she has. She's bright and cheeky when she's fine, but she can be very agitated, dramatic and sensitive. I think she just gets overwhelmed by things quite easily and has big emotions (I know all babies/toddlers do) and then she has a more extreme tantrums/meltdowns than some other babies/toddlers do (her cousins are a lot quieter even when crying or upset and I was surprised when I saw that😭).

Sorry for the wall of text but hope any of that makes you feel better!

I used to walk the streets for hours with mine at that age the only thing that helped was being outside so we were outside and we didn’t have a garden neither.
If it means that you sit at the park for eight hours a day then that’s what you do
It’s a really short period in your life. You look back in 12 months time and it have flown by.

Don’t underestimate how hard it is to have a difficult baby, and don’t let others doubt you have one. If they’ve not been through it they genuinely do not understand. My eldest son was the same as yours by the sounds of it with needing to be constantly entertained, only being (vaguely) content outside, and just constantly moaning and whinging or full on screaming no matter what.

He nearly drove me to the point of insanity with how utterly miserable and difficult he was as a baby, and it was only made worse by other people (my Mum particularly) insisting that all babies fuss/ were just like him, had I just tried being more relaxed as he was probably picking up on my ‘anxiety’, had I tried XYZ, and insisting that I was just overreacting and finding it difficult because I was a first time Mum.

It was absolute bollocks, he was just far more difficult than lots of babies but I really believed it was all my fault. I broke down in tears at his ten month Health Visitor review when the lovely HV, having just observed the two of us together playing for a while, said ‘I can see that he is a very demanding baby, and that he has taken a lot out of you’.

The fact that she was the only person who was validating what I bloody well knew was true was so important for me, and I stopped doubting myself so much or wondering when things would change after that.

My second son is far, far easier and it only makes me realise how bloody hard I had it first time round.

As it went, he became a different child when he could mobilise properly and has been a generally very content and easy toddler and child since then but my experience means that I will never question the experience of somebody who is having a difficult time with their baby. Our bond a fantastic now but that first year really impacted adversely on my ability to bond with him.