What does family help with a baby look like to you?

[Goatscheese21]

What does ‘help’ look like to you when you visit parents / in laws or vice versa? Just curious really! I think it’s best to have low expectations and be grateful for whatever help you do get.

My MIL is absolutely exhausting emotionally and we don’t have similar interests at all and all she really talks about like a broken record is her son (my husband) as a baby but when she visits she really does help with everything - cooks, cleans, holds our baby, offers to change nappy etc. But then she tells everyone about her help non-stop as if she deserves a medal. And she’ll be like ‘seee I’m sooo helpful aren’t I!’

On the flip side I enjoy my parents company and can have actual conversations with them but they’re really not that helpful. We visited and they said we should come for a ‘rest’ because we live 200 miles away but it was anything but and came back more exhausted. We cooked everyone breakfast and dinner for 90% we were there and my mum said it’s because she ‘doesn’t eat anymore’ (I mean, she definitely does still eat because she’s still overweight and that’s not being mean AT all I just wish she could say ‘would you mind cooking’ instead of not eating excuse)… she of course held baby which meant I could cook etc BUT immediately passed him back for nappy change etc and just completely overstimulated him when I told her it was nap time approaching. I enjoy changing my son’s nappy - it’s great bonding time and don’t expect grandparents to do it but the difference between her and MIL is noticeable.

Apparently she never used to change my nappy, it was my dad! News to me. She’s obsessed with taking photos and during our trip I felt like the reason she wanted to hold baby was for self absorption rather than actually enjoying life in the moment, of course everyone wants pics with their grandson but she’s so OTT with it… like in the middle of Gail’s she wants me to take a pic and I might be in the middle of wiping his sick… it just seemed like more work being with my Mum and I was just shocked at how the dynamics changed since before she had a grandchild.

Family help for me is allowing me to not be there for periods of time eg an hour or so after school occasionally or a few hours on a Saturday night or the occasional over night.

So full on parenting but infrequent.

My parents had my dsis DC more than she did. I think they were happy with the arrangement but it seemed a lot.

I'm quite fortunate as my parents live very close to me. For me, before my son started school my mum had him twice a week, I am currently on mat leave and when I go back my mum will have the baby once a week. Outside of this my parents are very very helpful, if they come over my mum will take over the baby and handle nappies and feeds etc. I can always rely on them to babysit. I realise I am extremely fortunate and always tell them how grateful I am.

My mother in law doesnt live in this country but when we visit she would never expect me to cook or clean (though I always offer).

Gosh, I could have written this post myself.

The only "help" we have is from my side of the family. However, my dad doesn't really engage with the children. He doesn't hold them, play with them, or show much interest. I genuinely think he finds them annoying, which would be understandable if they were badly behaved, but they're not. What's strange is that he's completely different with my nephew and is very involved with him.

My mum thinks she's helping, but she actually makes things harder. She's constantly taking photos, and most of the time when she's visiting, she's either busy sending them to people or FaceTiming her friends while talking about how much she's helping me; which she isn't.

It's such a strange situation. My husband and I are completely alone in a foreign country with no support system. Yet when we go home or when my parents visit, I have to ask repeatedly for someone to watch the baby for a few minutes so I can take a shower. It's got to the point where I can't leave the children with them at all because they're so distracted by their phones. It's become a safety issue.

After four years, I've stopped arguing about it. They genuinely believe they're helping, but sitting on the sofa scrolling through Facebook isn't really help.
I also think it's a generational thing. A lot of my friends have similar complaints.

All I expect is for them to spend a little time playing with the children or holding the baby. Somehow, though, I'm the one who ends up feeling unreasonable for wanting that.
When they visit, I end up having to look after them as if they're guests, but they don't really behave like guests either. My workload triples (cooking, cleaning, loundry) but I don't receive any help.