Child loses the plot anytime anything out of their control happens with their body.

[TheScreen]

DS aged 7 absolutely loses the plot if something out of his control happens with his body.

Runny nose? Meltdowns.

Wobbly tooth? Meltdowns.

Tiny snagged cuticle? Meltdowns.

Erections? Meltdowns.

Too hot in a heatwave? Meltdowns.

He finally went to sleep tonight at 22:40 and I was ready to run away and join the circus! 😭🤦

I try so hard to be patient but as someone raised in the 80s I sometimes find it hard to not be impatient with his complete lack of stoicism.

I was hoping he'd grow out of it when his understanding was better but he's 7. Very bright. Very verbal and good at conversing and debating etc.

I suspect he's AuDHD. There is also lots of sensory stuff, high energy, anxious, masks at school, etc. Lots of ND family members.

I just don't know how to help him. And help my sanity!!

have you tried modelling calm behaviour. If you have a runny nose or broken fingernail, can you show him and make it clear this happens but it is no big deal. Pick a phrase he can use like "not nice but OK"

if you go to the library, look for kids books where the child gets a bumped knee or similar and then gets better. there will definitely be books featuring wobbly teeth too.

Have I tried modelling calm behaviour?

Of course I have. 🤦🙄

We've talked and talked very calmly about all the things he struggles with at different points over the years over and over .... he sees us all manage these things in a calm and measured way but he just can't seem to do the same.

I feel so sad for him as he gets so upset.

When I say I struggle to be patient I mean for example that after 40 minutes of him crying hysterically that his nose is running I will start to get fed up and frustrated.

We've lots of books about things like wobbly teeth, illness, etc. We've watched videos and cartoons about related topics too.

I think he gets it logically that most people can react calmly. But he just can't seem to do that kind of regulation and I'm at a bit of a loss.

I feel bad that nothing seems to help and he just goes from calm to hysterically in seconds..😞

(Sorry if I sound cranky, I'm just exhausted. Going to extract myself from under ds and go make a cuppa!)....

Sorry OP, this sounds totally overwhelming. Have you asked the GP/school about getting him referred for an assessment to get a diagnosis?

You definitely need to get him seen about this.
An almost KS2 kid behaving like a toddler. Not normal. No wonder you are at you wits end.

I don’t like keyboard diagnosing but it does sound like some deeper sensory stuff than average upset.
However @parietal is right about modelling calm behaviour. I would add that modelling not only when he had “an issue” himself but generally towards these sort of stuff. Also maybe reading all these books and stories is too much for him? If you are too focused on this he might pick up the vibe that it’s big and important. You want to send him a message that it should be ignored but you don’t ignore it yourself atm. It’s just a thought from my own experience with my DD.
Hopefully you’ll get a professional advice as it sounds too exhausting for you and him.

14 year old DD is like this. Any sensory issue, any school issue she’ll start shouting and screaming, can go on for days/weeks. I can be calm, I can problem solve and offer solutions but nothing is ever good enough. I get completely fed up being screamed at and take myself away from the situation because sometimes she physically hurts me, locking myself in my bedroom (I have CPTSD). Sometimes helps, but often results in her hammering on my bedroom door screaming blue murder as if I’m hurting her. She’s been like this since the age of 7. This is a 14 year old girl behaving like a toddler. All of the services I’ve engaged with don’t offer any real help. 7 years in, I’m still blindsided and on my own. I can’t see how she will be able to function as an adult.

@OohOohOohAhh that must be really hard.

I wish I had the solution for us all.

I'm not bothered by the keyboard diagnosing. I am well aware he's likely AuDHD.

So far I've gotten nowhere with trying to get anyone to pay attention though. His teachers think he's a delight as he masks at school.

I need to push a bit more though (in getting someone to listen though) I know. If it comes down to it I will likely end up paying for a private diagnosis like I did for my older child as services here and waiting lists are terrible. 😞

I don't focus on this issue too much in front of him. I don't constantly bring it up or anything, and the books and shows have just been intermittently over the 7 years he's been turning my hair grey lol.

It must be really hard, I feel like it's just something that will happen and you have to just give it time. It's hard to keep yourself regulated with that going on though.
It's sad that the school and local authority are not helpful, sometimes it feels like things would move a lot quicker if they missed more school or caused more trouble.

I work in a school medical room (secondary) and honestly this lack of resilience and high sensitivity is far from unusual, unfortunately.

Kids with SEN/neurodivergence often struggle with any unpleasant physical sensations from a sensory POV. In most case staying calm and distracting them works, but sometimes it's quicker and easier to play along and do an ice pack or something and as soon as they know you're 'fixing them' they quickly calm down.

We have a lot of NT kids who seem to be unable to deal with the slightest physical discomfort...I have had students come in with barely visible papercuts/hangnails...even hiccups on one occasion.

I think the amount of information available online all the time and parental anxiety through COVID has a lot to answer for.

ADHD meds might help, sorry I know that's not much use without a diagnosis. DS2 (also age 7) is diagnosed ADHD, we suspect AuDHD and can get into loops like this. The issue is that once he starts to tip over into upset it's just really difficult for him to stop it, and then he's sort of getting more upset that he's upset and it spirals. It's almost like he's not having an emotion, the emotion is something which is involuntarily happening to his body and all we could do was wait for it to pass. Or it's like his emotions appeared with the weight of a high speed train and that kind of thing just does not stop easily.

Medication has helped a lot and he still does not like it when something unexpected happens, but as his school staff put it "He is actually able to engage with the interventions now". Before I think he was running at about 80% stress level almost all of the time, so the minute anything went slightly wrong he would completely loop off and lose all ability to engage with anything.

The things which sort of helped sometimes were resources which went into polyvagal theory and nervous system stuff, which I know is being overused as a stupid buzzword everywhere but there is some actual science behind it. The most useful/practical things were Robin Gobbel's Big Baffling Behaviours (the book, the podcast is too annoying) and the Conscious Discipline resources explaining their brain state model - mostly videos.

For more detail I also found Mona Delahooke and Stuart Shanker's stuff really helpful, but this is more theoretical less practical, but might be good in terms of what to do proactively to try to support him at home.

The main thing which helps IME is knowing how to use body language to communicate safety when they have tipped over past the point of no return, because verbal communication is absolutely 0 use at that point and will only escalate things. And being able to recognise when they have come somewhat back vs all the way back. Robyn Gobbel's book has a good guide for what to do vs what not to do/traps not to fall into, and one of them I was falling into a lot is trying to revert to more verbal or cognitive based strategies before he was all the way out of the danger zone.

BertieBotts gosh I remember your name! (I'm a long term mumsnetter but frequent name changer so you won't recognise mine). 😊

Thank you I will check out that author.

I know meds have helped me and his brother in general with our adhd. And we are both on anxiety meds too , but the meds have not helped us specifically in this way as we don't have this 0-1000 issue like he does with this topic.

Like you say it's like he has an OTT involuntary response and there's not a lot that helps. Hes so sensory. I'm considering seeking out a private OT assessment with sensory profile as that was really helpful with my eldest.

He fell asleep sobbing last night about his nose running and all I could do was sit calmly next to him while he cried and eventually fell asleep sat upright. 😞 I'd hoped by now at this age that knowledge and reasoning would help but it doesn't.

How does he find comfort? Are there any tools you could try? Not saying these would work but I've seen safe low sensory spaces in the house, those body socks high pressure type things. Can you work with him to try and find something that will help calm him, ideally whilst he's already calm.

He's old enough to understand that it will help, and then hopefully you can work together to connect the dots to the method of calm, so next time he's upset offer it as a solution.

We have a local children's ND charity who have a sensory play and event space anyone can visit. But they would also happily offer advice and suggest/lend out tools and toys. Can you see if you have anything nearby? Even if it's just somewhere you can go to connect with other parents who can empathise first hand.

Apologies if that's obvious. I can totally understand how you're feeling. Sounds incredibly tough.

I am confused about your presentation of it as if he can’t help it/it’s involuntary, but then casually throw in that he is a delight at school because he masks?

Could there be an aspect of expectation at home that whatever issue is going to cause a meltdown and the family’s anxiety over this that is creating a positive feedback loop?

@TheScreen my son is 6.5 (diagnosed autistic) and can be like this - not all the time, it's actually weird, I've seen him absolutely crash out and teachers debating if he needs stitches and he's fine but a tiny cut or a nail hanging off can send him into meltdown...

Something that works to pull him out of it and "re set" him is an ice block or very cold water. I think it's the sensory re-set he needs to calm down?

Re the wobbly teeth - is he worried about swallowing them? That was the point of anxiety for mine when he got his first wobblers!

I'd speak to your GP about this - one one hand to get the ball rolling if you think he's Nd to begin him on the pathway for support/diagnosis but also in the meantime, maybe something like occupational therapy to help him get more comfortable with his body / sensory stuff in general?