2 year old tantrums or something more?

[DrawerofMystery]

My daughter is 2 years 3 months old and generally seems very social and engaged. She speaks in short sentences, enjoys pretend play, joins in with nursery activities, takes turns and waits for her turn there etc. Nursery have never raised any concerns.

However, she has what I would describe as very intense meltdowns and I'm struggling to work out whether this is still within the range of normal toddler behaviour.

A recent example: she was overtired, recovering from a stomach bug and had a sore nappy rash. She refused a nappy change upstairs but accepted my suggestion to do it downstairs. The actual change was fine, but afterwards she refused to put a new nappy on. When I eventually put it on, she completely melted down - screaming, trying to pull it off and scratched herself, pushing me away, running away, then coming back to push me again while crying hysterically. Eventually she asked to wear nappy and calmed down, then fell asleep on me.

Another example was when she was trying to tell me she wanted a particular toy to be placed in a particular way. I couldn't work out what she meant, and she escalated into a full meltdown - screaming, arching backwards in her highchair and becoming inconsolable for quite a long time. Afterwards it turned out she had been asking for her stuffed toy to be placed in a sit-up position.

These extreme episodes usually seem to happen when she's tired, ill, teething, constipated, uncomfortable or frustrated because we can't understand what she wants.

The thing I find difficult is the intensity. They happen around 2-3 times a week (occasionally twice in one day). They usually last 10-20 minutes but sometimes what feels like half an hour or more.

During them she can be almost impossible to reach. If I try to touch or comfort her she often pushes me away or becomes more upset. If I walk away, she escalates further. She cries so loudly that I can't even hear my own voice while trying to talk to her. Even putting on her favourite TV programme doesn't immediately stop it and sometimes she continues escalating for several more minutes before she eventually starts to calm down.

Once she has calmed down, she usually goes back to being her normal self.

Thinking back, she's had similar "stand there and wait it out" meltdowns since around age 1, although obviously they've become more verbal and complex as she's got older.

Does this sound within the normal range for a strong-willed, sensitive 2 year old, or does it sound unusually intense?

Yep. Normal when ill, tired, hungry, overwhelmed etc. she hasn’t got enough words to verbalise this yet.
Stop trying to touch her or interact when she is in tantrum mode. Make sure she is in a safe place, can’t hurt herself and leave her to it. When she is calmer, interact calmly.

Totally normal, completely exhausting. Count yourself lucky they only last 30 minutes right now. Best advise I received is you don't have to fix a tantrum. While they're young, try distract them. If that doesn't work, let them know they're safe and loved, and leave them too it if they can't co-regulate. Better you take a deep breath than get disregulated and make it worse.

This sounds very normal to me. As her ability to communicate improves they might lessen. Also children when they are ill often behave in unanticipated ways. I'm not my most patient when I'm ill either. 2 year olds lack the motivation to hide their feelings, which are quite intense and not logical to the adult eye.

All you can do is be patient in the moment and know this will pass. If my experience is anything to go by, she might never do this with anyone else. My DD is an angel out in the world. We get all of the outbursts because she feels safe to do it with us at home. This is a good thing. I know this but it doesn't always feel fun or fair.

Any skills you pick up in quietly supporting her to self-regulate will be useful once again in the teenage years as it does feel like these outbursts again with more language skills in the mix but similarly intense feelings. Waiting it out and trying not to be too offended are my only real tactics so far.

The best thing you can do is not to let it derail your own equilibrium but that is easier said than done. I reckon I have an 80% success rate in that one.

Your DD sounds very normal OP. I did actually time a tantrum once as it felt like forever but was actually only a few minutes. That helped!

Normal.

She's not autistic.

if her other behaviours are fine, fine taking turns, social, talking, meeting milestones roughly within time, I think its just how her moods can be but she will likely improve as she gets older. At least you know extreme tiredness is the trigger

Yes very normal, especially when tired, hungry, unwell or frustrated at not being understood. Interventions often just prolong the tantrum or make it worse. Best thing to do is sit quietly beside her (and obviously make sure she doesn't hurt herself if she's thrashing about) and wait it out.

Normal child development.

Thank you all - it's reassuring to hear that this sounds like normal toddler behaviour! As she's our only child, we weren't really sure what falls within the normal range and what doesn't.

Also, other toddlers often seem less dramatic than she does. Whenever we see her cousins or other children, they don't seem quite as loud or headstrong... but I'm guessing they may be just as intense when they're at home! 😅

normal. That sounds like every nappy change for my toddler! Will always be worse at home as they feel safest there and with you so won’t hold back.

Normal. If she seems a bit extra vs other kids the same age - good! The world needs more intense passionate women x

Normal for some kids. Just her personality. But at her age maybe some things like high chairs and nappies are aggravating her. She could be in a stokke style chair and have more independence. All toddlers start to get angry when they’re not getting to do things for themselves so it’s worth checking in with yourself if you’re letting her have enough independence doing age appropriate tasks and getting her to do things for herself more and more.

I could really do with a friend im so lost with everything I've been through and I feel so alone yes I have couple of close friends I see very rarly I have 1 daughter who's almost 2 and one step son who's 8 and my partner too who is there for and supports me with everything yet I still feel a lone I have no blood family either 💔