Is it a problem that my sons mostly prefer female friends?

[OrangeRosemine]

My Son is 9 (being tested for Autism/ADHD), his friends are mainly girls. His dad is worried that he is going to become more like a girl and should be hanging out with boys being a boy. His elder brother has always hung out with girls more (11 diagnosed ADHD/epilepsy) and his dad is worried as he thinks he is becoming more feminine than what he should be. He is concerned as he thinks they will become more like girls than boys. They also have sisters they look up to. Their dad said he didn’t realise we brought 4girls into the world.

Interesting first post. You can’t catch girl.

Your DH is being ridiculous.
Being a girl isn't catching.

His dad sounds like a misogynistic jerk. Nothing wrong with having friends who are girls. What’s wrong with ‘being like a girl’ anyway? 🙄 Girls tend to be more intuitive with better social skills and more empathy and stronger communication at that age. He’s probably gravitating towards the children who seem to understand him and treat him with kindness. Not all boys like sports and knocking each other over. It sounds like he’s going where he feels comfortable. His dad should be celebrating that he has lovely friends and isn’t alone and feeling left out. He’s setting him up for a lifetime of problems if that’s the attitude he’s going to have.

Weird DH

What made you want to have children with this misogynist dinosaur?

Did you have any signs your husband was a misogynistic prick before he made these comments?

So what if your sons have girls for friends? So what if they have feminine behaviours/traits? I’d argue this will make them more appealing as a romantic partner when they’re older!

Make sure he’s not saying these things to your sons as it could be extremely damaging. You need to call him out every time. Ask him to articulate what the problem actually is. Challenge him if he’s being misogynistic in his views and comments.

DS mostly had female friends in primary. They just had similar interests as most of thr boys were really only interested in sport. DS enjoys sport but has a much wider range of things that he enjoys. We looked for boys' secondary schools as we felt that this gave him the best chance to meet other boys like him. There is nothing wrong with having female friends amd I like that he has a mixed sex friendship group but sometimes teen girls just want to do things without boys which was starting to mean he might be left on his own in Y6 so I assumed this would likely get worse as he got older.
To clarify we were not trying to change him to fit a stereotype but just to ensure he could find friends with similar interests

No, your husband is being bloody ridiculous. I'm male, I've always had way more female friends than male friends (probably why I'm on Mumsnet rather than Pistonheads!)

I've always just found it easier to start conversations with women, and that's led to more friendships with them.

I'm not the slightest bit feminine, but even if I was, it wouldn't have been my friendships with women that made me that way, it would just be who I was.

Your husband sounds horrible, but it’s not unusual for neurodivergent boys to feel more comfortable interacting with girls as they’re often more predictable, calmer and ime girls take on a ‘mothering role’.

Well are you worried? About your DH I mean? Because that's clearly where the problem lies.
FFS
Your children can be friends with anyone they like. Just to clarify, they can also have long hair, play with dolls, and wear dresses.
They will still be boys!

Hope this won't come across as racism, I'm wondering if your husband is from a different, ie. Non - European culture. That's a very unusual way of thinking about girls

Poor kids, their dad sounds vile.

@OrangeRosemine
My understanding is that it's quite common for autistic and ADHD children to form friendships based on shared interests, personalities, or who makes them feel comfortable, rather than focusing on whether someone is the same gender. Having female friends doesn't make a boy any less of a boy.
It sounds as though both of your sons have found people, they enjoy spending time with, which is a positive thing. Friendship skills, confidence and feeling accepted are far more important than fitting into traditional ideas of what boys and girls should do.
If your younger son is currently being assessed for autism and ADHD, you may find that some of his social preferences make more sense in that context.
I'd be encouraging the friendships that make them happy and feel included, regardless of whether those friends are boys or girls.

Thank you all for replying. I feel much better knowing I am doing the right thing by letting him choose his friends. As long as he is happy and doesn’t feel excluded, then all is good. I am just glad he has friends and not left on the sidelines watching and observing.

Yes, it's well known that if you have female friends after five either your penis drops off or you catch homeosexuality. It's transfered in droplets on dolls, skipping ropes and whatever else girls play with.

On the other hand, your husband sounds like such a manly man with all his man friends and his man hobbies and his utterly ridiculous notions about how his kids should act and who they're friends with and how that might make them into inferior species.

Does he care who your daughters are friends with?

Tel lschoo your husband is such a manly man, he must choose friends for your son. Sod comment interests or personalities. He must find boys who like football and cars in order to correct this erroneous path your children have begun of being their own people.

Conform or move out.

The husband, obviously, not the kids.

Trust me, plenty of born and raised white men think boys shouldn't be cissies who have respecful and positive relationships with females, shouldn't play with girl toys in case they catch the gay etc.

Ah but what about gay. Girls are well known transmitters.

it's quite common for autistic and ADHD children to form friendships based on shared interests, personalities, or who makes them feel comfortable

Sorry, what?? Who DOESN'T pick friendships based on shared interests, personalities or who makes them comfortable? Why are you making friends who have nothing in common with, no aligning personality or who doesn't make yo u feel safe just because you have common genitalia??

All three of my boys have female friends. The 11 year old has always drawn more to the girls cos he doesn't do rough play or football. The 6 year olds have a mix of friends who they play with but talk more about their female friends. All three are drawn to strong, confident personalities. DH's best friends are one male and one female. I have predominantly female friends largely due to going to an all girls school and having all sisters but I have friends who are men because our values and interests align. I've never once considered friendship based on vaginas ownership.

I think your husband would wind me up entirely the wrong way.

Yeah he’ll probably catch ‘gay’. So sorry.

The issue here is your partner and his daft views on masculinity, not your son..