Four-year-old still inconsistent with daytime toileting and not noticing wees

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Our DD has just turned 4. We potty trained at 2.3 months and she picked it up fairly quickly but we’re still having issues that I’m convinced aren’t typical for her age.

She’s still in pull ups at night, which I know many kids her age are, but is also wildly inconsistent during the day. Thankfully poos have never been a problem, but she will urinate without realising she needs to go. For example, while bending down or squatting to do something, without actually realising she’s weeing.

The other day she tried to pull her pants down to go in the middle of a busy playground because she suddenly realised she was about to have an accident. I know four year olds will have accidents but there’s something off about her toileting that makes me worry. She is generally alright at preschool at the moment, but has gone through phases of being inconsistent there. I’ve taken her to the GP but she didn’t have either constipation or a UTI at the time.

We think it might be connected to neurodivergence. Possible ADHD. But I’m finding it hard to know how best to handle it and concerned for her school start in September.

Has anyone experienced similar with their daughter?

I think you’re right in that it’s a little unusual for NT DC. You mention ND, is there anything else making you think it could be this?

Is it mainly around you that she's like this? I got the impression with my dd that she delegated responsibility to me. Not deliberately, but she'd have accidents with me a lot but be mainly fine elsewhere. She did have issues with poo if she ate certain things, and she had a friend with diagnosed issues too which I think she saw as having a free pass, but mostly it seemed to be distraction and my responsibility.

She grew out of it at 5.5. School weren't concerned. They said it would resolve and it did.

Yes, she’s highly distractible and has to move all the time. Her preschool are purchasing her a wobble stool for 1:1 learning and eating, so it’s likely not just a fidgety four-year old thing. She’s also an abyss when it comes to my attention. That said, if she does have ADHD, it’s probably not a severe case. We just want to make sure she’s properly supported so her self-esteem isn’t negatively affected and she’s able to live happily with it.

I feel I’m failing her on this toileting issue. I find it triggering and deeply frustrating so even though my mum insists she trained me in 10 minutes, I wonder what actually happened there…(I’m being assessed for ADHD atm 🙄)

No, I think it’s more that she’s just not always able to read her body’s signals. Poor interoception. She’s pretty independent otherwise and would rather decide when she goes so there’s a bit of defiance in there too. She will insist she doesn’t need to go when she does, and sometimes refuse to try when we ask at key times, like before we need to leave the house. It can be a battle some days and others she’s happy to comply!