Unsure whether to have a second child or stay one and done

[MissJade27]

Sensitive post so please be kind
I am 33 year old mom to a beautiful 5 year old boy who i absoloutly adore. Married my partner of 14 years last year and we are generally a happy little family unit. But its got to that point now in the past year or so where i have to make the decision on whether to have a second child or to be one and done. I dont mean to be dramatic but it feels like the biggest decision ever. Im terrified of making the wrong decision and potentially ruining our current little family by essentially starting again. But im equally scared of not having another baby and regretting it years down the line.

I feel like theres so many factors to think of.

One being money and our house situation. We purchased our first home in 2019 which is a 2 bed semi on a lovely estate. But in truth we have definitly outgrown it and need to look at moving. But due to money and time we havent done much to it and it could do with some improvements before selling. My husband isnt in a particulary high paying job and i work 30 hrs in the NHS but am only entitled to stat maternity for the 9 months. We rely on my mom and my partners parents one day a week each which has always worked lovely but now my son is in school, they obviously have more free time. Im unsure how keen they would be on starting again, especially my husands parents as they are almost in their 70's. Im worried we may not be able to afford the maternity leave as husband will be paying all the bills and doesnt seem to be showing any signs of an increase in wage/better job. We live fairly comfortably now but dont have a heap load of money left for holidays/home improvements, ect. But do do a lot with out child such as days out, ect. Relistically i dont know if we could afford to move house and have a baby, but would need to move eventually as only a 2 bed.

Another factor is my mental health. Ive suffered with anxiety since i can remember and have been on some form of anti-depressent/anxiety med for most of my teen to adult life. I took low dose fluoxetine in my first pregnancy as i had already been on for some time and had a relativley easy and happy pregnancy which was planned. I then went on to have a pretty traumatic labour which i wont go too much into but myself and my son were in a lot of shock and distress after. My MH then spiralled in the following 8 weeks causing a full postnatal break down. I moved back in with my mom (with baby) for a few months after this just to have the support as partner working, he came too. My anxiety was the worst it has ever been and i struggled to put one foot in-front of the other and to bond with my baby. I fought it every day and continued to care for him, changed my meds and finally came through the other side some months later. But i would say it was a good 18 months before i felt fully back to my old self. Im obviously concerned this could happen again, and would be reluctant to come off Venlafaxine in another pregnancy as that could trigger something.

Anxiety aside i am a confident and independant person, and me and my son now have the best connection, he is my little best mate. We love having days out together and always looks to me for comfort. He was a fairly content baby and has always slept pretty well apart from the odd regression. It sounds selfish but i worry another child could be the total opposite, and then i have to worry about him/her waking my son. He has never asked for a sibling or shown any signs of wanting one, i have even asked him before now but he just laughs and says no but i think a lot of that is the fact that he has my sisters child (his cousin) who is only 6 months younger than him, and they see each other most days, so he has always had her and they are a lot like siblings in a lot of ways. He's actually more desperate for a dog, but i worry that may change as he gets older and he misses not having a sibling.

So much of me wants to see him with a sibling and a part of me would love to have a better experience with another baby, and im close to my sister and cant imagine being an only child myself, same with my husband. I feel like if i dont give him a sibling im punishing him with a life where he has no support when we are old, and no neices or nephews in the future. I come from such a big family it feels alien to not give him that too. My age makes me feel like im a ticking bomb and i have to decide now or the gap will be too big. I dont want him to resent us when he's older. But i also want to look at having a nicer house and planning holidays in the future to make memories, and i worry we cant do both. I get so frustated when i see bigger families that just look like they have it all worked out, the big houses and as many kids as they like, they never seem to struggle.

Sorry for the rant and the essay im just hoping someone somewhere might give me some advise or a suggestion on how we can come to a decision. Never been so torn in my life.

Thanks in advance

Don’t automatically think if you have another they will be in touch when older I’m not with mine, neither is my DH. This is more common than you think.

The families with big houses and as many kids as they want probably have their own problems and sources of unhappiness.

I would learn to love your house and stay put and remain at one child. Siblings are absolutely not guaranteed to get on at all, and the fact that he will probably be very close with cousin/s and auntie will still give him that big family feel. By not stretching your finances with a house move and remaining at one you can also provide him with as much financial stability as possible. Obv just my opinion, I wish you all the best whatever you choose.

My relationship with DS8 sounds like yours. Me and him love going out and doing stuff together. He has close mates so has never mentioned about a sibling. I just can’t imagine bringing another baby into the mix. We’ve got a good home, good jobs, I really don’t want to go back to sleepless nights!
i have a brother and we don’t have a close relationship at all, no back story, just different people with nothing in common. So I wouldn’t use that as a factor in your decision. And don’t be made to feel guilty over having one child. Absolutely nothing wrong with it, my DS has great mates through football, he isn’t lonely at all.

I think it’s more about your well-being than the house or the finances. Do you have a gut feeling? Not wanting the first child to be an only child would be a big factor for me. I think sibling relationships are beneficial even if you end up not being very close as adults. But then only children also end up being very good in adult company which can also be an advantage.

I heard it phrased the other day that there's a number of children you wish for and a number you have capacity for, and generally you're lucky if those numbers are the same.

Would agree with people about siblings. My neighbour was telling me yesterday about how his sister 20 years his senior was his best friend from childhood through to her passing away last year 🥺 then have people like my brothers who are 11 months apart and can't stand each other. Two extreme examples but the point is personality is more of a factor than age really.

Finally, many people (myself included) only started having children at your age and manage to have multiple children, so (unless there are other factors at play) I wouldn't put yourself out to pasture just yet.

You are 33, why do you think the decision is urgent? I had my first daughter very young, second 11 years later. both loved and welcomed but never friends. Maybe relax a little?

based on what you’ve I’d be most concerned about your mental health and the impact it would have on your current child and new baby. I don’t think you can rely on childcare from ageing grandparents.
your child doesn’t need a sibling. They most likely won’t be playmates given the gap.

Tbh we stuck at one because of my dh’s mental health. He was just too ill; I wasn’t brave enough to take the risk.

I had a lot of regrets about not having another between him being about 5 and 12, and sometimes since then, but I know why we decided what we did and I think it was the right choice. He is fab and we are good.

Dint expect to get away without regrets, whatever you do.

You’re 33, I don’t think you need to make that final decision now. Obviously you never know and without testing who knows what your fertility is like, but most women around me are 35+ when they have their first, so I’d guess you’ve likely got a few years and you are not a ticking time bomb. Maybe it won’t be your ideal age gap but different age gaps are good too. I’m just saying I wouldn’t be adding all this pressure to make the decision right now.

I don’t think anyone can really guide you much on if you should or shouldn’t. Obviously a lot of people make it work with much less money and support than you have, so it is manageable, but ‘manageable’ isn’t always the situation you want to find yourself in.

if I were you I would probably make a realistic plan of what situation I’d like to be in if we were to have another, and then start working towards that. Eg, savings, home improvements, looking at new houses, upping hours at work or changing jobs to ones with a better mat leave, working in your MH, whatever it is. Then if you decide not to have another, that’s fine, you’re still in a better position, and if you do decide to have another it might not seem so scary

Please please please for all the reasons you have listed do not have another child.

Your family sounds great as it is and you have got yourself to a good place with your health. Your lovely son needs you well.

Whatever you decide, I wouldn't depend on grandparents being able to do a day a week for the next 5 years so factor that into your decision too.
Anything can happen

There is no right or wrong. There is no right age gaps. There are no perfect family set ups. Ive got close together and years apart kids I just parent more as they are in different stages. If you fell pregnant tomorrow or in 5 years would it make any difference to how you felt?

It’s easy to think of all the wonderful ways in which a new baby could fit in and make life amazing. But that’s on a good day with everything being fine - the baby, the birth, your mental health and your finances.

however reality could be different with more issues than you are thinking of.

for your mental health and the overall wellbeing of your family I’d say stick to 1.

if you ever regret - remember you are only thinking of the happy path. Life is seldom happy path and more often the hard path

When you make the decision, just try not to get caught up in the traditional mindset in the UK that 1 = bad, and only kids are always unhappy and lonely compared to those with siblings.

As someone who raised their child in a culture without that norm, it looks really strange from the outside.

Sure, you can end up with happy siblings who play together, care for each other, and love each other etc. But equally you can end up with those who make the other one's life awful. Who never get on, never play. You can absolutely have lonely kids with siblings etc. Not to mention the practical downsides especially if finances and housing situations aren't perfect.

2+ kids can be great if that is what works for you, but this weird shame that is in parents' minds in the UK for "only" having 1, is purely cultural and not actually logical at all.

So try and make a good logical decision, and consciously ignore the part that puts a negative association to only children.