I’ve read a couple of threads about this topic but thought I’d post my own, thanks in advance for any replies!
Me and DS’s Dad split when DS was 5 - exDP was/is abusive and I tried to leave several times but finally finished the relationship just as DS was starting school. exDP has continued to be abusive since then but that isn’t the issue, just noted for context.
exDP started a new relationship v quickly, moved in after two months with her 2 slightly older children and married 2 years later. DS really struggled - me and his dad were not long split and he was very suddenly sleeping over a woman’s house he didn’t know, didn’t know the kids etc. Thankfully he got used to it and enjoyed going there, liked the kids etc.
About six months ago DS started saying he didn’t really want to go to Dad’s anymore. DS had been making comments for a while about how Dad doesn’t spend time with him much, especially not 1-1 and that when he is there, he often is in his room playing on games. DS said he didn’t like his stepmum, who is always shouting at his Dad and that Dad had made negative comments about Stepmum, also that Dad wanted to spend more time with DS but that Stepmum always commanded his attention. Stepmum has had very little involvement with DS beyond the first couple of months, she seemed to loose interest (in DS’s mind) quickly. Stepmum has also said various negative things about DS and me.
My exDP has EoW contact. He attends parents evening separately to me but beyond that he has no involvement with the school - no picks up etc. He has weekly video calls with DS but doesn’t really spend much time talking to him, he’s often busy doing something else and sort of in/out of conversation.
DS says dad doesn’t care about him (and cares about the other children more, who Dad picks up from school), doesn’t spend time with him, doesn’t like his stepmum, doesn’t particularly get on with the kids anymore. DS doesn’t sleep well there, has a lot of anxiety about going and comes back shattered and upset.
exDP rang DS last night when DS refused to go round there. ExDP got aggressive and snappy with DS when DS said he didn’t want to go, and wanted to stay home. It was quite upsetting to hear exDP talk to DS in the same way he used to talk to me - precisely one of the reasons I left. ExDP made rude and cruel comments to DS which made me realise that exDP probably isn’t treating DS particularly well whilst DS is there. I had tried everything I could to get DS to commit to going to dads, but he wouldn’t.
I’ve made suggestions (which have to be very polite to avoid angering exDP) that perhaps he takes DS out on his own, to repair the relationship and spend 1-1 time with him which is what he wants, but exDP just says DS is part of a blended family and that’s that.
There is so much more I could add to this for context but fundamentally, DS doesn’t feel safe at Dads, doesn’t like the environment, doesn’t like being left alone with no interaction, feels like his dad prefers the stepmum and kids over him and would rather stay home.
He is 10 in September, and beyond encouraging the relationship with suggestions, I don’t know what else I can do. There is no court order. I suspect at some point exDP will say I am purposefully stopping DS although DS has said to his dad he doesn’t want to go rather than me passing it on.
I don’t feel comfortable forcing him to go. I’ve never felt comfortable with DS going because of how his dad can be, but obviously I want him to have a relationship with his dad.