Nearly 10 year old DS doesn’t want to go to his Dads anymore

[PollyDarton1]

I’ve read a couple of threads about this topic but thought I’d post my own, thanks in advance for any replies!

Me and DS’s Dad split when DS was 5 - exDP was/is abusive and I tried to leave several times but finally finished the relationship just as DS was starting school. exDP has continued to be abusive since then but that isn’t the issue, just noted for context.

exDP started a new relationship v quickly, moved in after two months with her 2 slightly older children and married 2 years later. DS really struggled - me and his dad were not long split and he was very suddenly sleeping over a woman’s house he didn’t know, didn’t know the kids etc. Thankfully he got used to it and enjoyed going there, liked the kids etc.

About six months ago DS started saying he didn’t really want to go to Dad’s anymore. DS had been making comments for a while about how Dad doesn’t spend time with him much, especially not 1-1 and that when he is there, he often is in his room playing on games. DS said he didn’t like his stepmum, who is always shouting at his Dad and that Dad had made negative comments about Stepmum, also that Dad wanted to spend more time with DS but that Stepmum always commanded his attention. Stepmum has had very little involvement with DS beyond the first couple of months, she seemed to loose interest (in DS’s mind) quickly. Stepmum has also said various negative things about DS and me.

My exDP has EoW contact. He attends parents evening separately to me but beyond that he has no involvement with the school - no picks up etc. He has weekly video calls with DS but doesn’t really spend much time talking to him, he’s often busy doing something else and sort of in/out of conversation.

DS says dad doesn’t care about him (and cares about the other children more, who Dad picks up from school), doesn’t spend time with him, doesn’t like his stepmum, doesn’t particularly get on with the kids anymore. DS doesn’t sleep well there, has a lot of anxiety about going and comes back shattered and upset.

exDP rang DS last night when DS refused to go round there. ExDP got aggressive and snappy with DS when DS said he didn’t want to go, and wanted to stay home. It was quite upsetting to hear exDP talk to DS in the same way he used to talk to me - precisely one of the reasons I left. ExDP made rude and cruel comments to DS which made me realise that exDP probably isn’t treating DS particularly well whilst DS is there. I had tried everything I could to get DS to commit to going to dads, but he wouldn’t.

I’ve made suggestions (which have to be very polite to avoid angering exDP) that perhaps he takes DS out on his own, to repair the relationship and spend 1-1 time with him which is what he wants, but exDP just says DS is part of a blended family and that’s that.

There is so much more I could add to this for context but fundamentally, DS doesn’t feel safe at Dads, doesn’t like the environment, doesn’t like being left alone with no interaction, feels like his dad prefers the stepmum and kids over him and would rather stay home.

He is 10 in September, and beyond encouraging the relationship with suggestions, I don’t know what else I can do. There is no court order. I suspect at some point exDP will say I am purposefully stopping DS although DS has said to his dad he doesn’t want to go rather than me passing it on.

I don’t feel comfortable forcing him to go. I’ve never felt comfortable with DS going because of how his dad can be, but obviously I want him to have a relationship with his dad.

I’ve had some limited therapy which was arranged through the local domestic abuse service, but I couldn’t really afford it as a single parent and since then we’ve bought a house and are trying to do it up. I need to prioritise therapy for DS over me.

I absolutely need some though because the trauma runs really deep.

I'd go with your sons wishes on this one. If it does go to court and he tell the judge he doesn't want to go and why, chances are they won't make him. He's too big to physically force and they do take the child's opinion into account.

This.

Usually the ones threatening court never can be arsed to actually do anything about it.

Keep any threatening interaction or conversations between DS and his father either by recording phone calls iPhone have a record audio icon etc which does announce you are recording the calls (I use it when phoning companies who say one thing then deny they said it)
Journal any conversations you have with DS about his experiences when he is in his SM’s house.

Keep this sort of evidence just in case.

You mentioned your ex had an older DS. Does he still have contact with his father? Or has he also fell by the wayside and want nothing more to do with him

If your son does go to his father’s then I’d be putting an air tag in his bag/coat.

I would find it very hard to not know where my child was if at dads

why can’t your ds look at the name of the road when ex drives him there

and number of house

and tell you

he’s 10

if forced to go I would give him a simple phone so he can contact you anytime

if need be do a planned picture symbol via text meaning if he needs you /is upset etc / rather then him text something and worries dad may read

The x does sound like a vile evil man. It sounds like you have quite a bit of documentation on him and his behavior. If he kicks off at you record him but don't tell him you're doing it men like that don't like to be outed in public especially if they are high earners like that they have the reputation to keep. If your ds just go over to his house again put an air tag so you can find out where he is. There's no reason why you can't know the address where he is other than your ex being evil and controlling

In the state I live in, you are ENTITLED to know the address where your child will be.