Should I end this relationship or try make it work

[Chase909]

I have been with my partner for 7 years and we have two children together. I earn more money than him and this has resulted in me paying for all the childcare fees. I have asked my partner numerous times if he could financially contribute and he has told me no he is unable to due to not having enough money to live if he was to contribute towards the childcare fees. I ended up accepting this and but I did grow resentful if I saw him buying things that weren’t essential purchases.

Recently we had an argument and I once again asked if he could financially contribute towards the childcare bill and once again I was told no. I then asked him if he was gambling as I knew this he did like to bet at the weekends etc. He then told me he has been gambling and he now views this as a problem as he has been betting around £250 per month for around two years while I have struggled with the childcare bill alone.

We broke up briefly as a result of the lies and I was devastated he was able to do this to me and lie to my face for around two years and he did not once suggest he had a gambling issue. During this brief split he communicated with me only in relation to the children and not once did he send me the I’m sorry text or say this during a phone call. We did get back together and he now pays a small amount of money towards the childcare.

However, I feel things have been swept under the carpet and I still remain hurt and angry about what has happened. I’m at a stage where I don’t know if I can trust him and I feel when I discuss it he downplays the situation and it’s like get over it.

It’s the lies and he says it was a mistake but a mistake is something you do once you don’t keep doing the same thing for two years as that becomes a choice. I have even asked to see bank statements of his account and he becomes angry and defensive and will only allow me to see snippets of his spending only with him holding his phone.

I feel I have to end this relationship because the trust is gone. How can someone do that to someone they love and respect? I feel betrayed in all honesty due to the lies and not to mention the financial loss I’ll never be able to recover.

should I stay for the sake of the children or seperate due to the trust being broken.

Any suggestions

He’ll do it again once he’s comfortable

perhaps you should end this so called partnership/relationship ‘for the sake of the children’

This is my fear I think I’ll think and wonder will you do this to me again. I don’t think I want to live like that

The fact that he won’t fully share information about his finances makes me think he is still gambling. He’s giving you a token amount of money so that he gets his board and lodging and you are essentially funding his lifestyle. Your children will feel the tension and misery so don’t use them as an excuse to carry on the relationship.
You know you can live alone - make it permanent.

So he never apologised and you don't know if he's still gambling but you got back together with him? Why? He has done nothing to repair your trust and is angry and defensive when challenged - this doesn't sound like a man who is invested in repairing your relationship.

How can he not make a contribution? Do you not have a joint account that you both put a proportional amount into from which child costs and household bills come out of? I can’t get my head around that. As for gambling - yea he’ll do it again.
If you can’t overhaul your finances than more resentment will build up and the whole cycle will start again.

He did apologise and is paying a fraction of the childcare fees but I feel it’s like business as usual. We’re so busy with two children and working full time I feel lately I’m reminded of the lies when he gives me monthly money.

if the shoe were on the other foot and I was in the wrong I would be trying to make it right in terms of I don’t want to see every transaction because that’s not the type of relationship we have but I wanted to see to the extent of the gambling which he is unwilling to do and I asked him again on Thursday and again he becomes angry and defensive and asking why now it’s like we have moved on well he has but I don’t think I can get past the lies

Honestly, I think he's still doing it. Otherwise he'd be open with her with his bank / financial details.

He lied to you for 2 years
he’s not actually sorry or he’d be acting differently
he’s still being angry and uncooperative
he has an addiction issue he isn’t seeking help for
and even before all that he wasn’t really a ‘partner’ because he wasn’t co - responsible for your house and family like you were. It was up to you and for him to opt in when he fancied.

He now makes a contribution a fraction to be honest. He has said in the past I earn more money than him and this has been his excuse for years to not pay more. We don’t have a joint account no. Never have. He sends me his bill money and I manage it and pay bills.

he does pay bills but he has his money and i have mine. He simply transfers his half for joint bills in terms of our home and he is left with whatever he has and im the same if that makes sense. It’s only been since last month in the last two and bit years he’s paid any money towards childcare

Also to add, if he won’t let you see the extent and he admitted quickly to £250 a month, I’d assume it’s actually far more than this and he probably has lots of hidden debt and I’d be worried about this impacting you if you’re financially or legally tied at all.

This man is only interested in his own comfort. He doesn’t care how much money you have to pay out as long as his own needs are met. This attitude won’t just be about money, he’ll be the same in other aspects.

I think it's a good thing there is no joint account. I had to give up the joint account I had with my exH because he went through money like water and was dragging me down with him. Getting the money transferred to you is probably the best option.

You COULD point out that he'd have to pay his way for DC if you spilt up. CMS would see to that.

A part of me feels he came back when we started discussing numbers in terms of what he would potentially contribute

That is very hurtful for you. So not to work on the marriage, but because financially, he's better off with you.

I'm sending you a hug. XX