Newborn cries getting me down

[Slurpyburpy]

First time mum here!
my baby is 1 month old and the past week has been hell! Whenever she is awake she is screaming, she never seems happy or content awake, she arches her back crying arms and legs going crazy, she will fall sleep on me but trying to lay her down she will wake up and scream. Some days she will sleep during the day and then scream all night and vice versa.

she has just had a tounge tie sorted so we are hoping this improves her eating as we felt like she was taking to much air and getting trapped wind, however this week seems different and doesn’t feel like it’s trapped wind, she doesn’t throw up but she does seem to be tasting something in her mouth, I can also hear wet sounds from her throat. I express breast milk but am trying to breastfeed now she has her tounge tie sorted however she’s so frantic from the crying it’s impossible to get her on the breast. I pace feed and hold her upright for 30 mins.

I feel myself getting increasingly frustrated and angry when she cries, mainly because I don’t understand what’s wrong and I know she’s in some kind of pain and I can’t fix it, I feel like a bad mum for feeling this way. I’m exhausted and have anxiety come every feed time!

this is not how I thought having a new born would be, I understand they cry because they have needs however this doesn’t feel right. I see my friends out with their babies or having people round and it makes me feel sad, I don’t want to go out or have anyone around or even text or talk to anyone.

😮‍💨

@Slurpyburpy we all go through something similar, you're not alone. You're doing great. Sometimes friends don't show you the reality. I have two, 3 and 4 now. I found cycling their legs slowly sometimes helped relieve them of wind and I had a baby lite carrier for my first, as he loved being upright and close. I promise you, you will find something that works. It might just take someone else to try something. My husband would be able to settle them feeding moreso than I could.

She could have reflux? I also felt breast feeding feeding came with a lot of pressure for me. I mix fed and me and baby were much happier.

I can’t give much advice (I don’t have DC but tend to be the listening ear for people!) but

it’s ok to walk away for a few minutes
its ok to use headphones or earplugs if it helps
it’s ok to tell someone you’re struggling, they may have advice or just be a listening ear

could it be reflux?

Has she been tested for a milk allergy? Could you speak to your health advisor? Sorry am not much help but have a hand hold by me. 🫂

who did the tongue tie? Someone with good assessment skills?
did they check for tension?
things to look for- is her neck a little invisible because her shoulders are high and maybe pushed forward
is one arm/leg easier to stretch out than the other
is she symmetrical ?
does she have a side preference?

Could be worth thinking osteopath? Reflux is a possibility but if so there’s a reason; ties, tension, feeding technique, allergies.

If you have a good IBCLC near you they might be able to point you in the right direction too.

it’s tough when you have a baby like this. My youngest was and now looking back at photos, the tension was so so visible in her. I just didn’t have the knowledge or skills to notice.

It is early days, you are both getting used to each other and working out what works for both of you. A new born cry is particularly compelling, it is designed to be so that it gets an adults attention immediately , it’s a survival thing!

Your body is still recovering from growing another human being, your hormones are up the creek, you are exhausted from lack of sleep. The one important thing to do is to get to know your baby, what makes her tick.

Forget everything else like cleaning, socialising, or trying to be a perfectly turned out mum with a smiley happy baby like the ones in the adverts. Try not to compare yourself to other mums, no matter how calm cool and collected they look they will, I can guarantee it, be having rough days too. Some babies are easier than others but you have got one who is still getting used to being in the big wide world. You will get through it together. Are you and the baby clean and comfortable and wearing clean clothes? Do you have food and drink in the house? tick , tIck. Maybe next week, or this weekend you can go for a stroll round the park and enjoy the sunshine. Take life one step at a time.

You don’t mention if you are getting any help from a partner or anyone else. Take all the help you can, and don’t be afraid to ask for it, asking for help isnt failing, it is recognising that running on empty isn’t healthy.

Whilst it is 100% worth checking for reflux/allergies etc it is also worth recognising that some babies (ours was one of these) just cry more than others for no discernible reason.

It is so frustrating on a basic level from the sheer noise, stress and sleep deprivation but compounded by seeing other people out and about having a lovely time with their (jealously termed by us) potato babies.

Just make sure you recognise when it is getting too much and give yourself breaks however you can in a safe way ie earphones or even just a couple of minutes out of the room. This does pass, just hold onto that and best of luck!

You’re exhausted and doing your best and it’s still such early days! Be kind to yourself- you’re doing great. It sounds really similar to when my eldest had silent reflux so worth speaking to your health visitor or GP. Lots of Wyd to manage and really improves in a lot of cases at 12 weeks. Take care x

I had ear defenders (the kind ground crew at airports wear!). I personally found going out and socialising essential - I would have lost it mentally without human contact.

Hang in there op, even if they don’t stop crying babies know you are there with them, trying to comfort them. DC1 used to cry all day at this stage, unless he was feeding or sleeping, we ended up with a very strong bond, forged in the fires of hell frankly.

Only thing which helped us both was putting him in a sling and getting out and about. Being upright and close to me seemed to really help.

You’re not doing anything wrong, some babies just cry a lot. And good ideas about medical advice from pp.

How long ago was the tongue tie sorted? There's a pattern with the healing where it can get worse before it gets better. I wonder if you are in that window?

Agree with the pp as well that seeing an IBCLC and an osteopath to support the tongue tie division can be incredibly helpful. DD2 would always have a lovely deep sleep after seeing the osteo! I like to think it's because she was so relaxed.

My second was like this. Took him to the osteopath and that sorted him out so quickly.

honestly it was amazing. I remember his whole body relaxing during our first session. He must have been very uncomfortable.

Your own babies seem to be designed to scream at just the right frequency to send you totally around the bend. It's weird, I remember it, I would literally want to crawl out of my own skin when mine were babies. Now I can totally tune out other people's babies. It's some sort biological attachment.

Lots of advice on here for things to check. I just wanted to add that sometimes babies are just a bit high maintenance and they get in a total state about wanting the milk, then the milk being too fast, or too slow etc. Have you had support with ensuring a good latch? I had issues with mine not being able to latch on to engorged breasts so had to express a little before feeding so they could latch properly.

Hang in there, it gets much easier quite soon.

Hey, I just wanted to post to say, don't feel bad. I remember feeling like this too. When you're sleep deprived and trying your best, it's natural to feel angry at a loud, shrill noise that won't stop. Your feelings don't mean that you don't love your baby, nor do they mean you would ever hurt her.

As PPs have said, some babies do just cry a lot more than others. Sometimes a reason can be found, sometimes it just seems to be different personality traits.

My first baby was like this and I found he was better when we were out and about, the sling helped. Also, at home I sometimes wore ear defenders when holding him and he was screaming. It was so much easier to deal with when the noise was slightly dulled.

Who do you have to support you? Your partner should take turns with you in the evenings (assuming out at work during the day) so that you can have a bit of headspace. Do you have family who can come round and hold her for a while, to give you a break?

It sounds like either wonderful or acid reflux. Cranial Osteopathy is a game changer with both issues.

My daughter had both wonderful and reflux. For the wind I would do a bath, massage and bicycle legs.

For the reflux I would keep her elevated 30 minutes after feeding, elevate the head end of the cot, swaddle and use white noise. Also see your GP. mine gave us medication go help.

It does get better. My daughter improved once we introduced solid food. When you gave a child like this 6 months feels like a lifetime but it will come.

If you need to leave the room, do it. Crying can feel overwhelming and distressing at times.

Breastfeeding with the baby sitting upright on my leg (koala position I think?) and holding him to sleep upright was what worked for us (shifts).

If you ask on Facebook for a nice baby group you might find a supportive one. My children are teenagers and I bumped into the couple who run the local group this week. They only vaguely recognised me but I certainly remembered their kindness. The wife used to play with my baby while the husband made me a coffee.

There will probably be some kind of family hub near you that provides NHS family type services. The breastfeeding help session there ran once a week and the ladies helped me so much. Have a Google and hopefully there's one near you. You've got this

I would get her checked for a milk allergy. My youngest had this and it sounds similar.

We should vent to each other as I also have a one month old boy and he is not the easiest baby. I’m a third-time mum and I’m still finding it difficult. I also imagine going out with him shopping or meeting friends but it’s not happening as I know it’ll be very stressful. However being a third time mum means that rationally I know things will improve and this is just a phase. They will grow out of reflux.

My first was like this. There's 3, almost 4 years between them as it took me a long time to get over it. I can do anything - shitty pregnancy, sleep deprivation, etc etc. But that newborn colicky cry for hours and hours and hours ruined me. I was suicidal, I
once called DH from work as I was about to kill myself (had planned it all) and I had a moment of lucidity, luckily. It made me.angry, depressed, just an awful human.

My second was unfortunately the same but this time I knew it would be over soon and I was able to ride it out. It honestly didn't bother me as much knowing how quickly it would all end.

And it WILL end for you too. They DO get over it. 2-3 months max for vast majority of babies. It might seem like an eternity right now but it will be over soon.

Oh gosh that sounds brutal, sorry to hear you went through all of that :(

i have suffered with mental health since a very young age so this is defo effecting meX however im under the perinatal mental health team so have some support.

I guess I just have to crack on and ride it out :/

@Slurpyburpy I sort of agree that it’s probably just a tough stage but what if the baby has reflux and it can treated, or in the case of one my friends children has to be entertained constantly or needs an osteopath. I think I would personally try a couple of the recommendations on here, it will at least get you out of the house!!! I hope the next couple of weeks are calmer for you. Just remember you are doing an amazing job!!