How close to family is most helpful with a new baby?

[StripeyLemur]

We’re expecting our first baby. We’re about to move closer to my family and I’m wondering how close would be helpful? We hear it makes a huge difference to be close to your support network, so how close is close enough? What is the difference between them being a 15 min drive, or 30 mins, or more?

It depends on the family and the relationships you have with them. Proximity doesn’t necessarily mean close.

We live 15 mins from my parents and In Laws and honestly don’t know how people do it without family close by! My LO has an amazing relationship with all the grandparents

As an example, I had a sick bug when my baby was a few months old (DH was away) and my mum was there almost instantly to look after baby and I honestly don’t know what I would have done trying to look after baby too as I was so ill.

For me the biggest difference to a 20 min journey to 30mins plus is spontaneity. Once it gets over 30 mins I think you have to plan things a bit more. In our situation we can just pop in which is lovely and definitely means my LO sees a lot more of grandparents than if we lived further away.

Depends if they’ll actually help out or not. I lived under 10 mins away from my family when I was a lone parent and got no help at all even when ill.

Well it depends on your family and if that 30 minutes is actually 50 during rush hour or an hour on public transport. It depends what level of support you are expecting, what level of support parents are willing to put in (these might not meet what you are expectations are).

You should also balance proximity to family with proximity to schools (to save you moving again in the future). Proximity to the library or baby classes and if you want to walk to these. What type of childhood you want your kid to have, no point being 15 minutes away from granny and grandpa but also 15 minutes away from all your friends when you want to play out.

Have a chat with your parents/in-laws and ask if they are willing to provide any support. If so, what? If they only want emergency childcare, then locate yourself close enough that they can come over in an emergency but close enough to your reliable childcare for everyday. If they want to do a day a week when you go to back work and are reasonably young, base yourself still near childcare but close enough that your parents/in-laws aren’t driving 3 hours a day to help you out. If they are older, perhaps base yourself closer to them and accept a longer commute to childcare on the days you use it.

My DDs have all remained in the village to start their families. Walking distance. To me and each other. It's nice.

15mins drive from each (without trafffic) and ideal as noone drops in randomly or bumps onto eachother out and about, all have our own little communities but still close by when needed and most round trips are no more than 30-40mins

Far away enough that they need to call first

10 minutes drive from my family and in laws. In laws weren't that helpful but I wouldn't have coped without the support I got from my parents and sister. My mum is an angel sent from heaven and I don't think I truly appreciated how awesome she was until I had children.

My parents are max.15 mins drive, in a different suburb of the same small city. I love them being so close, it was great when my kids were babies as I could just pop in all the time and they could easily drop round to help out.
Now my kids are older it’s handy for asking for help with babysitting and school runs etc.
My mum is an amazing support, so rely on her for so so much and don’t know how I would manage without her. My Dad has recently retired so has taken over with taking my kids to sports clubs etc. It’s lovely to see how close my kids are to their grandparents as well.

My friend’s parents are on the next street to her and I’m actually jealous; her kids walk over to their grandparents all the time - to call in, borrow things, or get their Nana to make them snacks 😂

I will caveat that it depends on how well you get on and how close you are. We’re obviously a close family who all get on very well so it works well.

Depends if they are actually your airport network. I wouldn't call my parents to help unless it was an emergency. Proximity doesn't really matter

I wish my parents lived even 30-60min away - very envious!

I agree that under 15min is best for spontaneity. If it would mean sacrificing schools, space etc though, I know a lot of people who have parents 30-60min away who are able to help on a more scheduled basis (e.g. a regular babysitting day or scheduled date nights etc), which can also be helpful.

My parents live approx 4 minutes away and in-laws about 3 mins! Both sets of our siblings are no further than 10 minutes. All our children have grown up in a ‘village’ and we’re all incredibly thankful for that!

As @horseplay12says . It far more depends on the relationship and what help you expect and what they are prepared to offer. My in laws lived 20 minutes away and never did anything nor visit more than a couple times a year (they were invited, but it was usually us going to them and even then with plenty of notice). My parents lived half the year in another country and when they were here did not have a car but were far more supportive. Now as all of the above are dead, my nearest relative is a couple hours away. I know she would drop everything and come in a crisis but I also have friends much closer who would do that.

15m -20min Max

Ideally 5-10 drive.
Makes a huuuuge difference especially up to 2 years.

Once in school also hugely helpful especially if you both work.

Have they actually said they will help?

If yes, I would not expect a family member to drive more than 15 minutes each way to help me out, unless it’s occasional babysitting you are talking about.

We had family members close by however they never helped at all.

Since having DS we have done literally everything ourselves. We haven’t had so much as an hour of help. Once you’re into a routine it’s fine. The only tough part is when you’re ill yourself and have to carry on as normal. That’s the only time I wish we’d had some available help.

For your sanity I’d advise joining literally every single baby and toddler group going. I did that and built up a decent network of parents with same age children many in broadly similar situations to us in terms of support.

Despite having no wider family support and also not having any existing friends or family with similar ages DC we have managed to fashion a pretty good set up for the 3 of us.

Reading this with so much envy. I truly cannot get my head around these updates where there are helpful and warm family involved. How truly wonderful to read (for me, it’s high fantasy!).

Why would you assume they will help? Will you help them?

My family lives close to us and have never helped at all. When our son was a few months old DH and I had food poisoning at the same time and were both extremely ill and still nobody helped us and I’m honestly not sure how we even got through that because we were both so ill. I would have previously said I was close to my family. Do not assume anyone will help you with the baby unless you’ve discussed it with them and they’ve promised they will, and even then they could change their mind when the baby is here. My parents always said that they would help out before I actually had children but they have done absolutely nothing. If you want to be parents you and your partner need to be prepared to potentially be doing everything yourselves. Do not rely on anyone.