Do husbands martyr themselves about working hard in order to make themselves feel better about unequal parenting responsibilities?

[Crybabydumplin]

Do husbands martyr themselves about working hard in order to make themselves feel better about unequal parenting responsibilities?

My husband is seemingly on the edge of burn out at work. He tells me about all the ways he was firefighting all day, didn't eat or get a lunch break cause he was so busy in and out of meetings or helping out one department and covering for another etc but as soon as I suggested that he take some time to rest, stop saying yes to everyone (he's a chronic people pleaser) and having better boundaries so he can save some energy for himself etc, all of a sudden work actually isn't that bad, all jobs are stressful, there's both good days and bad days and he likes the job.

On the weekends he is moody and snappy and if I question it, it's because he's had a long week at work and I don't get it.

I'm in a unique position were I am friends with a woman who used to do his exact job role (he took over from her) and she says that yes it's stressful but there's also a lot of downtime and you can zone out it some meetings and it's not that bad.

I feel like I'm getting mixed messages from him. Is he struggling at work and isn't eating to 4pm whilst sending emails or is it just a fast paced job he enjoys and is thriving in.

As I mentioned, he is a chronic people pleaser and ties so much of his self worth into his jobs.

I'm a stay at home mum to a one year old and plan on going back to work within the next 6 months.

I do everything with regards to managing our household and the baby is in a mum only phase in her development which means I'm pretty much doing everything parenting wise other than an odd hour or two here or there where I get a break in the week.

He hates the mere suggestion that any given day parenting is harder than working and has said "We both play different, but equally valid, demanding and exhausting roles".

I'm starting to wonder if either:

One - he is making his life at work more difficult then it needs to be in order to fill a void in his self esteem. Going above and beyond and being a yes man so that he feels his contribution is equally as valid and exhausting as being the primary parent.

Two - he's making sound a lot worse than it is and being a Martyr.

I know it's not me versus him. He just always seems fried/exhausted and needs time to decompress. I'm not enjoying his company on his days off cause he's not in a good mood or fun to be around.

I'm finding it hard to connect with him and get to the bottom of it.

Does anyone have a similar experience or can shed any light onto this situation?

Absolutely - I only realised this in hindsight though - especially networking in the evening so coming home after bath time, which was actually a whisky with the boss after work… I think it’s harder to pull off this illusion nowadays though as most parents both work.

This is an issue with your husband, OP. Don't try to normalise it.

Yep. My ex, he later revealed, was going into work and having a sleep in the boardroom. We had 3 kids under 2.

I work a demanding role and have one day off a week - the day the school finishes early. That day + the weekend are my hardest days by far! I love being at work, chats with colleagues, using my brain, interesting news, people respect me, people ask my opinion… home life is a lot of drudgery and kids acting like pricks…! 🤣 He’s taking the piss, in my humble opinion.

Just agree with him. He just wants a loving ear at the end of the day like you do.
You are both equally challenged; he is right there.

Allow for ten minutes of exchanging hardships each evening then announce that there will be no more grumblings from either of you and ask him for the best thing about his day. Share your positive vibes.

Get into a habit of moving to uplifting topics.
Play uplifting music. Sing. Dance with the kids.
Influence your home environment.
Plan outings and walks so you can both see and talk about new discoveries.

No sorry

I reckon hes telling you all that but is having a lovely time at the office, not doing any child rearing! 😬

Perhaps the fact that your friend zoned out in meetings is why she no longer has that job.

Would you consider changing roles, with you going back now and him becoming the main carer?

Op you seem to really dislike your husband. It sounds to me like he's struggling and you are angry he's not fun to be around rather than actually seeing him as human being going through something.

Do you think stay at home mums who struggle are marrying themselves because they feel guilty about not working? No, they are individuals who sometimes find things difficult. This is the same for men.

@PrawnAgain it's because I like him that I want to get to the bottom of it.

If he's having a hard time, I need to know how I can best support him.

If he is putting himself in these situations and wearing himself thin over and over despite the consequences to himself and his family, then it needs to be addressed.

@user1492757084
I like that perspective but I feel like there's a bigger issue that we need to get to the bottom of. Maybe a combination of both approaches would work well.

You can best support him by not forcing him to be the sole earner.

It’s entirely possible. My ex worked in the same school, same department as my cousin at the same level but miraculously she found it easy to manage and he found it oh so difficult he couldn’t possibly parent after a day at work. His marking took so much longer, management were arseholes etc … issues she didn’t have at all. He was fired for being incompetent and we got divorced. She’s flown through the ranks and earns well now. He is of course still the victim.

As someone who has been married 20 plus years, was a SAHM and had a DH who was like this my suggestions are
You can’t solve this only he can
He probably wants a listening ear and sympathy not solutions
He maybe feeling the pressure of this period of being the sole earner.
My DH had a couple of burnouts and eventually went to therapy. It helped a lot. The root of his issue was his dysfunctional relationship w his DF and the transference of this to work.
But you cannot solve this. I know this from experience. You can listen and support but it’s his issue not yours.
Have days out without him if he doesn’t want to come. I had such a fun time with the DV that DC started coming too. We tried to incorporate things we both liked as well - coffee or cake - even take away while the kids played. Date nights once a month. Etc. To take the focus away for work.
Ive also learned that he need sleep with he is stressed. That’s a better option than burnout.
And walking helps a lot. In nature. It really does helps

@Floppyearedlab

I agree with you. Fortunately I am contributing financially and income isn't the main concern.

I think women are more likely to martyr themselves, to be honest.

My late husband had an extremely pressurised and stressful job. He also tried to be the best father he could be. Which led to him having a breakdown so severe that he could never work again. It might also have contributed to the cancer that killed him.

I think it's very dangerous to assume that someone whose clearly finding things tough, is martyring himself to avoid parenting. This is not a time for critical sexist generalisations.

@Ritaskitchen

I like that perspective. I can give him more of a listening ear and sympathy.

I think I'm getting resentful of him cause he seems to take on way more than he needs to at work. According to him, he does his job and then some and volunteers his time to every department. Then I'm left with a shell of a man at the end of the day and on the weekends.

@saraclara

Not to avoid parenting but to over justify his contribution.

I want him to be happy and healthy hence reaching out for support. I don't want him ending up having a breakdown of getting cancer.

If he needs support, I want to support him. He's a moving train that I'm struggling to get hold of. If it's as intense as he says, he needs to slow down for the sake of himself and his family.

Yea as @FragrantPalmssays - it’s your DH. My DH didn’t moan about work, though I know it was far more stressful than he said. He was ‘present’ at home on the weekends.

DH has a stressful job but doesn't tend to "opt out" of parenting. I work three days and I know that often (not always, depends on what's happening at work and her mood...) my non working days with my 4 year old are harder than work days.

Potentially the job is stressing him in ways he can't articulate. The stuff about it being a good job he enjoys could be narrative he's telling himself to stop himself hating it (I do that a lot these days, because I'm lucky to have the flexibility I do but I'm beginning to hate my job).

I think it's an honest conversation that's needed, from both of you, to work out what it's the right changes to make to suit the family.

I don't think it's on you to work this out or solve it if you do get an answer.

It's on him not to cast a shadow over the household with moods every weekend. Whatever the cause.

I don’t think this is a man thing. This is a classic martyr people pleaser thing. Look at all the women doing exactly the same at work and running themselves ragged at home. My Dh is like this. Btw, he is the sole breadwinner at the moment (I cannot work due to ill health). He mostly works school hours, earns very well as a company director, often goes off for a 2 hour run or cycle midday, but it doesn’t stop him working himself into a frenzy some days because he is a people pleaser and can’t say no. It makes him anxious to rest, hence why he will go run for 2 hours instead of just not working. He has a comparatively easy work life, but it makes him very stressed. I used to have a Big Job and a long London commute and I was never as tightly wound as he is about working 5 hours a day because I am not a martyr. But I know lots of women who are.

In my experience, men are more likely to overstate their efforts, workload, importance, level of security clearance…, than to actually overwork themselves.

I also think that being in a situation you dread, drains you of energy, and can make you feel lethargic and ill.

My guess is that he’s struggling with parenting and being at home, assumes that the physical response is due to overwork. If he has energy to overwork, and volunteer it’s because he’s in an environment that he enjoys.

How old is he? It’s not normal to be so exhausted by work that you’re useless for evenings and weekends without a serious medical condition.

But lots of men who work difficult and demanding jobs manage to find the energy to cycle, play football or go to the gym for hours on evenings and weekends. I bet if he got a hobby that took him away from the house, he’d miraculously dig deep and find the energy for that.