Don’t know what on earth to do next- aggressive teen

[Sunshinedarkcloud]

My 13 year old daughter threatened her sister with a knife tonight. This isn’t the first time things have escalated like this at home. She screams nearly everyday and I’m finding it unbearable. They were arguing about one of them stealing a bottle of conditioner.

shes only ever like this with us- she’s fine at school and with friends, which I know means something, but it doesn’t make it easier to live with. She shows some remorse afterwards.

I’m calling the GP tomorrow. But not expecting much, as we’ve been before and they just gave her some sleeping advice, which was pretty basic.

what on earth do I do next?

Way above my pay grade but have you spoken with the school? How’s she getting on there?

Call the police.

I'm going to be honest and far too open here but as a violent teen who’s now in my 30s, having me arrested was the best thing my parents ever did for me.

How old were you when you were arrested?

Yes, I’ve spoken to the school. They said we didn’t meet the threshold for intervention. However at this point it was more about constant screaming and tantrums.

what did the police do? I wasn’t worried she was going to harm her sister today (she threw the knife down as part of the tantrum) but I don’t want this to escalate.

You have told the school a pupil at their school used a knife to threaten violence and they said didn’t meet their threshold for intervention??

Are you in the UK of so you should be able to self refer her for support with mental health Usually there is an online form. Or self refer your family for early help where they can work with you and her together. Usually there are wellbeing drop ins or activities around to access for free for young people through your local mind charity or similar. Some services offer free anger management courses for teens.
Do you have somewhere you can lock the knives,medications and other risky objects until she is safer with these? Me tal health or domestic abuse charities locally may be able to help you make a safety plan. Xx

First time 11

You were arrested and carted off to a police station at 11?

Yes. I was also charged with 2 offences at 11. Not the point of this thread.

@Sunshinedarkcloud has anything specific triggered this behaviour in your child? Did it begin after a major change in your family lifestyle?
Just to help OP specifically, it was my school who rang the police in regards to my situation. The fact that your childs school isn’t is concerning and shows you need to do that yourself

Sorry I wish I had advice OP - following for advice. No knives involved here, but things escalating and I have no idea where to turn, 13yo DD. School says she’s fine there; gp just referred us to some council organisations that weren’t helpful; filled in forms for nd but school wouldnt submit them to council (process takes years as well); cant find any private organisations that seem helpful; private nd assessments cost a fortune. I’m just lost. Good luck OP.

The fact that she disarmed herself and didn’t actually hurt anyone is great!
How’s her behaviour otherwise, is she in with a new crowd, has a new close friend, have you noticed any signs of substance or alcohol abuse? Does she have a difficult upbringing or any mental health condition you suspect or are diagnosed?

Nothing major has happened recently, though she does have glue ear at the moment. She does seem to be part of a tumultuous friendship group- they’re always falling out and making friends. But they’re the same friends since primary, so nothing new there.

no alcohol or anything like that- she’s always home so
wouldn’t have chance for anything like that. She’s very well behaved at school- gets excellent behaviour reports. Would not do anything that is against the rules at school- even being late hugely stresses her out.

im just looking to see if there are any local agencies that could help,

@Balloonhearts where do you live? Because here in the UK what you are suggesting would definitely be considered child abuse and social services would be involved.

Lock knives away. You can report to police but they're unlikely to do anything helpful apart from refer to social services, who are usually useless in this situation (they have been here with my violent teen).

Highly recommend checking out Newbold Hope charity - they've a website and a Facebook group. If violence is against parents then CAPA (child against parent aggression) or PEGS might be able to help.

Anger management counselling? Psychologist?

Do you have any idea where the behaviour is coming from?

If you can get a referral to CAMHs, do.

I know some people believe that some kids are just violent, but having worked with them for over a decade and now being the proud(ish) owner of one who can be - they’re not.

There’s a root to that behaviour somewhere, and you’re likely to need professional help to find it.

This might not help but wanted to say me and my sisters did this to eachother a few times. I specifically remember chasing my sister up the stairs with a knife during a row. No one got hurt and we're all well adjusted members or society today. Also none of us ever did it outside the home or became criminals etc.
Doesn't help you right now just wanted to say she's not alone. Trying to think why we did it and I just remember being so angry and feeling powerful with the knife. My parents actually never did anything about it as think they knew it was just threats.
Not saying it's OK at all x

We were in a similar situation and only got the referral when it got to crisis point. Can you go back to the GP again?

You’ve had some good advice already from posters like Hoopla.

What help is she having for her Glue Ear? And how does she do on this simple progress checker?

If she’s having trouble with friends, do you think that she would be willing to look at a book like The Teen Girl’s Survival Guide?

I’d also recommend reading Untangled. The author, Lisa Damour also has some podcasts which I found helpful.

Firstly, lock the knives away. Don't mess about, just do it now. Don't say anything dramatic about it, just do it quietly.

Secondly, tell school and the GP straight away. Ask them both for help.

Thirdly, work out what, if any, money you have to put to this problem. You shouldn't have to, but there's inadequate resources for this in the NHS and we are where we are. But push for urgent CAMHS referral.

Fourthly, address everything stressful in your household that you can. For example, what is the general tone in your home? Are you a busy, rushy house? Slow everything down that you can. Be more present, be more supportive, act like your kids are younger in terms of the supervision they need. Reducing any underlying stress can not hurt anyone, including you.

Fifthly, try to talk to your kids and try not to leave them unsupervised together. Assess what support you have - is there a relative where each could go for tea separately every so often?

Have you listened to both your kids since it happened?

Thank you - is it a referral for nd assessment that you refer to? Or CAMHS? We’ve been to the gp twice, really unhelpful, gave us some names of council organisations which were no use, and said they (gps) dont do referrals they are only done through schools.

Wrong. Smacking your kids is still legal in England. Say what you like but mine are well behaved, OPs are pulling knives.

I wax a referral for assessment for ND. We had been referred to CAHMS twice who were actually worse than useless.

It was definitely the GP who made the referral. I’m not sure if they can in every area though. You might be best starting your own thread in the SN Children section