Toddler behaviour

[wishfulthinking25]

My 2.5year old daughter has started hitting us. By us, I mean people she sees frequently me, dad, her little brother, nan, grandad and aunty. Nursery say she’s a delight and she never hits her friends (outside of nursery) either or family we don’t see that often. But it’s becoming an everyday thing and I really want to nip it in the bud.

When she hits we are saying, that’s not nice mummy is hurt now, she then pulls a sad face like she’s about to cry, I ask her to say sorry (she always does) then hugs me. But will do it again 10mins later..

For ref, I’d say 70% of the time she hits is when she doesn’t get her own / we say no to something. The other 30% is just randomly.

anyone got any tips to stop this or is it normal toddler behaviour and she’ll grow out of it?

Create a safe space, or a step, playpen etc. @Every single time you remove her and put her on the strop for a minute. You give her no attention in the minute, that's why the space must be safe.
Once the attention is withdrawn for hitting, she will stop. At the moment she's getting attention and a hug for hitting, to her toddler brain that's a reward.

Not an expert (failing miserably with my own 3.5yo it feels like most of the time) but it sounds like a combination of attention/ connection seeking and the realisation she has agency in her actions and it can influence others.
I don’t think you should just ignore the hitting, but I think you just firmly tell her “no, we don’t hit people” and then leave it there and carry on with what you were doing. If she keeps hitting, you tell her again and then move her away. Try doing this for a few weeks and see if it improves.
The whole making her say sorry thing and then hugging is actually reinforcing the behavior if she’s seeking connection from you, as that’s exactly what she’s getting. And letting her know it hurts you is sort of what she’s hoping for. She’s testing her ability to control her environment and those around her (which is exactly what toddlers are supposed to do) and includes her ability to hurt people and get them to react.
All attention is good attention when a toddler feels they are needing it.
Along side that try to randomly really overreact positively when she does something kind and gentle (the behaviors you want to see more of). Like really ham it up. Like “oh wow! You did x! That was such a kind thing to do!”.

Just move away from her if she's hitting. It sounds like it's become a game for her.

My son has tried hitting me the odd time but every time I've told him firmly that we don't hit people, that i will not let him hurt me and I will move away from him if he does it again, if he does it again I get up and go in another room or out of reach or something. No attention, no apology, no hug, he just loses all my attention for the behavior. Change your tone and your face so she knows you aren't happy.

He's almost 4 and never hits anyone so it worked :)

When she hits we are saying, that’s not nice mummy is hurt now, she then pulls a sad face like she’s about to cry, I ask her to say sorry (she always does) then hugs me. But will do it again 10mins later..

This is effective to teach her that it is expected that she should say sorry after she hits, but it's not effective to teach her that you don't like hitting. At two their ability to learn through verbal instruction is extremely limited, so saying "that's not nice, Mummy is hurt" is not something that she can use or understand. She will say sorry, because she is mimicking you, but mimicking at two does not mean that they understand the meaning of what they are saying.

In fact, this approach is likely to encourage hitting because it gets a verbal response from you and that's something they're basically programmed to seek out and repeat anything which gets it.

If you want to discourage her from hitting, then you can either interrupt the hitting (e.g. block it with your hands or hold her arms), optionally use a verbal cue that you use when she is not allowed something, like "ah-ah" and offer an alternative/replacement behaviour, perhaps with a word for her feelings e.g. "I see you are angry, when you feel angry, you can [stomp your feet], but I won't let you hit." You will have to show her the replacement behaviour, and make sure you give her lots of praise/attention when she does this and keep trying to intercept the hitting. If she does hit then ignore it, rather than trying to talk about it.

Or you can use a mild aversive like a stern/loud "NO!", or withdrawing attention for a few moments, or a time out.

You can do both at once if you like, that is the quickest way.

If you are very against using aversives, then you need to be really patient and consistent with the positive only method, and try really hard to spot (and avoid) if you're accidentally giving attention to hitting by trying to talk nicely about how much you don't like it. Essentially the toddler brain is like a dog - you would not expect to be able to explain to a dog why they should not do something, you teach them an incompatible behaviour, or you have a clear signal that they don't like.

I don’t think they understand nice. Or even sorry. So she’s just repeating words and having a hug. I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’ve asked my toddler for an apology and complained about being hurt, but I’m not convinced it’s actually helpful in teaching them much at this stage anyway.
I think saying ‘no we don’t hit’ and redirecting her is best. After a couple of times in a row I’d say mummy doesn’t want to be hit, so I’ll need to move away/put you somewhere safe away from me for a moment to keep us all safe if you do it again.
I’d look for triggers too, my dc get overwhelmed or overexcited by things and then just lash out for example. So could you preempt it, and prevent it. Also if you think she may be wanting the connection of a hug maybe you can offer that more anyway and see if that helps.

Praise all the good (and even just normal) behaviour, but when she hits, give a very stern face and say ‘no, we don’t hit!’ And your body language needs to reflect the admonishment.

The apologising and hugging is counterproductive because she clearly doesn’t mean/understand the apology (because she does it again) and she’s just getting lots of individual tactile attention as a pp said.

Next time, walk away or grey rock for the next few minutes until she realises this is serious. Then you can still look ‘disappointed’ but mellow the tone until she’s back to normal. Then act like nothing had changed and you’re back to normal happy mummy again.

Hopefully she will realise that hitting does not get her the attention she wants, but nice behaviour does.

Thanks so much for all of your advice I really appreciate it. Really made me realise where I’ve been going wrong. Will stop the sorry/hugging and start saying a firm no we don’t hit and ignoring if she carries on. Thanks again :)