Struggling with husband not coping with our toddler’s additional needs

[SadWife11]

I’m struggling with my husband, really struggling. We have a toddler with special needs and he’s not coping but refusing help. He says he’s no time to see a therapist or gp. But he goes out with friends multiple times a week.

He has zero patience or tolerance for behaviour that is in any way difficult with our toddler. He says he’s not cut out it for it and walks around with a furious face making the atmosphere in the house awful. Even when he’s been out with friends and had a break the day prior.

When LO is happy then he’s great, but the second things inevitably get tricky he reverts back to absolute misery. My toddler picks up on this energy and he makes it worse.

I can deal with DS meltdowns but what I’m more worried about is my husbands reaction and how he’ll make it ruin the rest of the day. Annoyingly suddenly in front of any therapists my son works with he’s playing and engaging with DS in an almost performative way it now feels fake to me.

If I ask for help I regret it. For example I was dealing with a meltdown trying to put DS to bed one night and I hadn’t eaten. After an hour I was really hungry and fed up and asked my husband to watch him for 5 minutes so I could eat. When I was downstairs my sons crying became more intense so I ran upstairs, my husband had left him in his room alone “to cry it out” and went on to say I was enabling his behaviour (he’s autistic and was having a meltdown). The fact he couldn’t give me 5 minutes so I could eat my dinner. He says he’s depressed but won’t get help but honestly being around him is making me so depressed. He essentially hates our life and it’s so incredibly hurtful.

He needs a blunt talking to about the reality of the situation
sounds like he’s very much in denial or that overwhelmed he’s like a rabbit in the headlights
it very common I’d see if there’s organisations that can advise you

Denial is not an uncommon reaction to a SEN diagnosis but the shit parenting is a separate issue. Sounds like he would be like this with a NT child having a tantrum.

Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like he will accept he is in the wrong or seek help. Your choices are therefore stay and accept you’re fighting against him or end the relationship. Feels unlikely he would want much contact.

He just sounds like a lazy-assed man who has opted out of parenting the minute it got a bit tricky. The cry it out business while you were meeting a basic need for food is extreme strategic incompetence, basically designed to punish you into never asking him for “help” again.

He doesn’t seem to care for your feelings, nor your child’s. My guess is you would actually be a lot less stressed going it alone as long as he pays child maintenance. If he is self employed then things are more difficult.

I’m really sorry :(

Yes he just simply can’t accept it. He’s jealous of everyone else’s life and says how unfair things are and everything is so difficult for us. It’s been 2 years of this from him and I just can’t take much more

It’s not so much about the diagnosis it’s the behaviour and basically how it affects him. I just don’t know what to do.

And all through the 2 years of difficult stuff, you have been doing … what? Having tantrums about things being unfair? Bemoaning your old life? No. Thought not. The SEND is a total red herring. This is just a dude who can’t cope with having his needs not being front and centre, nor with working hard or considering others.

Any time I ask for help I’m made feel bad about it. And somehow it’s always harder for him. I would rather he left us be than stick around and be so negative and miserable. I don’t see him fully doing that though and sharing custody is not an option

Unfortunately having a child has highlight how selfish he really is :( after ten years together, I’m so utterly disappointed

Have you considered that DH might also be ND? I don’t say this as an excuse for him - it’s not at all - but it was only when DH realised how much he struggled with our ND kid he realised he was also ND

I wouldn’t be surprised and we have talked about the possibility that we both could be, but he just carries on as before. I got him ear plugs and it took him months to use them when for DS screams. I think he has PDA as he won’t listen to my advice or suggestions

Being ND doesn’t make you a selfish pillock who ignores genuine requests for help or a partner’s distress. It gives me the rage when people wheel this out on any thread mentioning NDs.

OP, I’m so sorry - it’s often only when you have children that they show their true colours. You didn’t miss anything. Sometimes they just keep
it well hidden for a long time, either that or you can’t see it because you don’t have a good internal model of what a good man should do and how they should act.

He really needs to use them. My youngest is not diagnosed yet (too young) but DH is ADHD and epileptic. We’ve realised noise is a huge trigger for him and he(DH) is much better with the youngest when he’s not overwhelmed.

Get rid of this horrible man and make a life for you and your child without him
life is too short for this

Sorry, to come back to this. There’s no shame in being ND but it’s how he deals with it.

All my friends think he’s a saint. Honestly people on the outside would never know. He comes across as so gentle but then some of his views on how to parent are so out dated, we can’t agree on anything. It’s made me realise just how different we are too in terms of our values and morals.

I don’t know how it could work as he can barely stand to mind DS for a few hours so shared custody just couldn’t be an option

Thanks yes I think it’s great if people realise that due to being ND could be why they find certain things so hard so they can find ways to help themselves. Honestly though he just wants to moan and wallow and isn’t looking for help. Well that’s how it feels at this point

That doesn’t surprise me at all, OP, what you have said about him appearing to be a saint to others. It can make you doubt yourself. You really shouldn’t, though. You’ve got the measure of him.

Don’t share the custody then - you sound like you’re doing an amazing job on your own. What is he bringing to the table here??

errr nothing