How do I stop overdoing everything and then resenting my partner?

[MiddleAgedMum45622]

Anyone else find themselves just doing too much and then resenting it? I'm a first time mum to a 2 year old, I work full time. I'm by far the higher earner, I work long hours (solicitor) and also have some long term health problems. I find myself carrying the "mental load", fine. I can handle most things. But I sort of find myself doing too much and then massively spiraling and resenting DH. Like, I'll make dinner, and also do the dishes, then notice some mouldy stuff in the fridge, then I remember I need to sort something out for DS, and since I'm doing that, I might as well reply to the nursery email about whatever. You get the gist. By the time I sit down, I'm a wreck.

I partly do this because I know that if I don't, I will likely suffer the consequences (upset DS, missed appointments etc).

But my mum was the same. Growing up was genuinely awful. All I remember from my childhood is ANGER. She was so fucking angry, the moment she stepped in the house, it was like a dark cloud setting over the home. She worked long hours, would get home at 8pm, and then start cleaning the bathroom, mopping, vacuuming, cooking, and she would just collapse from exhaustion. And she would invariably shout at me for something, you never knew what would set her off. She was honestly the definition of a martyr.

My DH is not nearly as useless as my dad but things are not 50/50. I'm not as bad as my mum and DH is a calming influence on me. Having a calm and patient mum for my DS is a priority but it's sort of ending up with me bottling everything up for the sake of peace but mentally, it's not great. And I do snap eventually.

Any advice? My upbringing really wasn't ideal, there was a lot of anger and bickering (my parents bicker 24/7 still and my friends and DH and ex boyfriends who have met them find them extremely difficult to be around, constant tension).

I did start therapy but it was not that helpful and it became just another massive task on my to do list. I have a lot of medical and physio appointments to juggle anyway (and will do for the rest of my life).

Any advice from more experienced mums? Sometimes the stuff I do is just minor stuff. Like, how do I let some things go?

Hello, this was me, and I’m also a solicitor who works long hours. I also had a Mother who a bit like yours. Perhaps not quite as bad. My husband‘s mum was definitely the same as yours. She worked full-time and had four boys, and seemingly woke at 4 am and did housework, and then came home after work and screamed everyone because of the mental load.

I went to therapy, and managed to complete it all, and one of the things I learned is you just have to let your husband sink or swim. And you also have to stop being fixated on doing everything your way.

I sat down and had a discussion with my husband and told him all of the things that I was doing, and we split the list in half. Even if you just start by delegating 3 big things to him that’s fine. Ie you make the dinner three nights a week and he does the other two and is also responsible for cleaning it away.

We agreed that my husband would take over certain jobs, like he does the nursery run, I work from home, so when he’s doing the nursery run and I spent 20 minutes whizzing around the kitchen on a morning tidying.

Neither of us like doing the laundry so we pay £30 a week for someone to collect wash dry and return four loads of laundry.

We have a Cleaner once a fortnight cause neither of us want to do the bathrooms. We alternate putting the child to bed each night, etc.

Just sit down and work it out with him. He’s probably oblivious.

I did similar when my DC were they age. I felt that if I let up then everything would come tumbling down.
To be fair to DH, if I had a little sigh about not getting time to do things for myself like the gym or whatever, he’d say to just go, the same as he did. But I just knew that things wouldn’t be done to the same standard.
Eventually, I thought: right, sod it, I’m going and then you’ll see! Turns out it was fine. Not everything was done the way I’d have done it, sometimes that actually worked out better- he found a short cut or a different way and the DC either loved the change, or at least didn’t suffer. Sometimes it didn’t work as well as when I did it, but nothing that couldn’t be sorted.

Maybe try stepping away for the odd bit of time? Like going out for dinner after work, or the gym or see a friend- nothing major, just enough to make you a little bit less available. Give yourself a bit of headspace and your DH the opportunity to cut his teeth doing the evenings?

From now on, if something new comes up with DS or the house or finances eg activities / school / new energy supplier / new subscriptions etc then just make it DHs job totally 100% and you never get involved. It’s easier to just never take control than try to hand it over!

Same principle but harder is to then delegate completely and utterly big chunks - so all laundry tasks including washing, putting away, ironing, buying stuff, cleaning machine, repairs, etc all him.

Then the most inportant bit - don’t step in!!!! You have to let him do it / make the mistakes / fail and then hopefully it won’t happen again

Also I’d give yourself a) a break and b) a cut off time so you accept you can’t and won’t do everything but you’ll do what you can until 8pm then you’ll sit down.

You could always separate? No point having a dog and barking yourself.

Thank you @KindnessIsKey123 sometimes I feel like the natural answer is for me to reduce my hours and just take care of things at home but since I'm by far the higher earner, that would be financially stupid. So I'm stuck. I day dream about marrying rich!

The problem with just seeing a friend for an evening or something @mysaladdays is that yes, DH will "babysit". But that's it. There's MORE work to do afterwards and so the social/enjoyable outings are just another thing for.me to make time for.

I have tried delegating, but DH just....doesn't do it. Not reliably. We decided he would do all the laundry. Ha! Enormous mistake. We ran out of clothes constantly. He literally waited 2 weeks to do a load and saw nothing wrong with that. I tasked him to find and sign us up for a new Internet provider. That was before DS was born. Still hasn't done it. Holiday? Ha! Don't even go there, if I didn't plan, nag and book, we would never go anywhere.

He does some of the basics, such as all pick ups from nursery. And he does sit and play with DS and does bedtime sometimes. He does cook sometimes too (always one of the 2 same dishes and never clears up, never).

yep been there… DC are now 15 and 11 so I’m a bit further along.
what helped me was:

-setting up a shared online phone calendar … both of you can add/delete and see what’s coming up day by day.

-you need to discuss roles and divide them up evenly. Pink jobs/blue jobs/purple jobs. To do this you must communicate (this was the hardest step for me) and then stick to it… no going back if his job isn’t done. Stand your ground until he does his share.

-honestly the most useful (and insightful thing for DH) was for me to have a week away with work. It helped me let go, and him step up to find his own way.

-get a big whiteboard in the kitchen. At busy times… bdays /xmas etc… write the extra jobs which are on your mind. Helpful to see how much is rolling around in your head! (Always loads that time of year!!) Then DH can see without you telling him (and maybe begin to cross a few off).

as long as you keep managing everything there is no incentive for him to take his share… you need to communicate and then let him step up.

I will always want to do more than my DP. I thrive in organise environments, he thrives in gentle chaos. If I expected him to do 50% of everything I want done, he would be hugely resentful, burnt out, and I would probably still find extra things to add to the list when it was all done.

I had to reprogramme my own behaviour a bit. Instead of tackling a never ending to do list of my own making constantly, I carve set times during the week for things that fill my cup. Hobby / gym / reading in a coffee shop. The to do list waits until after those and I am more peaceful and content because of it. I have to have set times or I can't turn my brain off what I "need to do" first.

I also prioritise the life tasks, and assign some of the most important to my DP. He will never carry the mental load, our relationship just doesn't work that way. I get frustrated if he doesn't perform to my expectations, he gets frustrated I have uncommunicated expectations, I get frustrated I feel like it's obvious. Steam mopping the floors at 9pm after a hard day's work = low priority. Packing our eldest's lunch for school = high priority.

Something I've unpacked in therapy is my never ending to do list is a learned behaviour from my childhood. It stems from a deregulated nervous system and need to control my environment. Also to prove my worth and love through acts of service. I don't want my own DC to learn this, so I try make sure the behaviours don't spill on to them.

I have thought about it. DH would end up being a Disney dad, I'd still be doing everything, and my career would massively suffer. I have work dinners, late meetings, ocasional weekend work. I wouldn't be able to do it alone, I need someone to mind DS.

Thank you @justanothercookie that was very helpful. I really relate to all that you wrote.

I do find it difficult to prioritise myself but I see that this is missing, thank you.

And my self worth is very much tied to what I can do for people. Without my cooking, money, cleaning, all of it, why would anyone keep me around. But that also makes me a stressed out wreck and in time no one will want to be around me anyway, this is my worry. I certainly don't want to be around my mum.

I just want to be more....chill, blasé, have time to be kind and patient.

Well that’s just weaponised incompetence- if he isn’t going to clear up after dinner or do the laundry I would stop doing his laundry he can have his own laundry basket. Act like a teenager get treated like a teenager….. Don’t know how you can find him attractive when he “babysits “

@MiddleAgedMum45622 I think key to avoiding resentment though is your DH needs to do something. My DC are a little older than yours, and my DP is brilliant with them. He takes initiative to take them out on adventure mornings, and thrives at dinner, bath and bed routines. (I did have to step back and let him step up, as a lot of PP have said too!) Our strengths are different, but he adds a lot of value to our home.

From your updates, I can't tell if your DH does? Or if he adds value in ways that aren't tangible acts of service? There's a difference between expectations being too high and effort being too low, that can be really hard to navigate between when often it's a bit of both.

@justanothercookie he's very good at the fun stuff, which I resent. I feel I am fun too but I get stuck with the things he doesn't want so I can't do them. E.g. I could take him to the park on a Saturday morning but then I'd have cooking, cleaning and laundry waiting for me.

He has ALWAYS helped with night wakings , actually after age 1 he did all of them for about 6 months until DS started sleeping through at 19 months.

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas yeah, it's hard. I'm a bit stuck but I'm the one trying to be a good parent here. I don't touch his laundry. I actually go the extra mile to separate his clothes from.mine and DS' 😂

Hand over a chunk of interrelated responsibilities - so if he cooks occasionally put him in charge of cooking, cleaning up, shopping, meal planning, and the food budget.

Then forget about it. There will be mistakes. There will be disasters. Ride it out. Give it at least a year, before you even assess how it’s going.

If he doesn’t clean up, he will feel the pain the next time he cooks. If he forgets to shop he will notice when he cooks. If he spend a the budget on takeaway he will feel it when he shops. Leave him to figure it out. Don’t give it any more headspace.

This is just an example, and it might not be the best choice - you need to find something that you can live with, and ignore so that any weaponised incompetence effects him more than it effects you.

@MiddleAgedMum45622 I felt stuck in the same loop a few years ago so I'm probably projecting on this thread. 😅 I really wanted to be a fun mum, and felt like I was losing my connection to my DC, especially as they got older and stopped breastfeeding, because I was constantly doing other menial tasks.

Step one to being a fun mum is deciding to be, and then pretending to be until you actually feel like one. Go to the park this Saturday. Have an unhealthy snack lunch. If you can afford it drop the clothes at the laundromat on the way and buy new socks when you run out.

It doesn't sound like your DH is going to change (I agree he should pull his weight more from what you've described), so it's finding ways to cope around that instead of trying to change it.

What are your partner's strengths?

If I gave my partner the job of doing the washing, the washing would go on 2 days after he ran out of pants.
If I gave my partner the job of doing the shopping he would have to go to the shop 12 times a week.

He is very much an of the moment person and can't see ahead that 3 pairs of pants left in the drawer means in 3 days time he will have none.

It's fine though as I can so I take these roles. I deal with the mouldy fridge too. Looking into the distance and slotting things in to spaces is my strengths. My weaknesses are anything that needs doing daily and food. I don't get hungry, I don't sit and think about what I want for tea. I look at the clock and think of crap is 11am/2pm/6pm and I haven't thought about breakfast/lunch /dinner. What is the quickest tastiest healthiest thing I can make?
My partner is great at this, he's the master of the slow cooker, he bakes us fresh bread every day. I'm on maternity leave at the moment and he's batch cooking/tumble down cooking 2 or 3 times a week so we always have food available that I only need to put some rice or pasta on to accompany the food he made at the weekend or the day before.

Admin stuff he's less good at and I'm struggling massively with fatigue so some of that is falling by the wayside. We have a joint calendar now and anything semi routine that we need to do are put into the calender. We have a fortnightly entry for each bin so we don't have to search every week which bin we need to put our. He gives him the ping and takes away from my mental load

Thank you @justanothercookie !! Yes, this is about me changing some of MY behaviours. DH is who he is, he won't change. While I can address some things, this is about me and what I can do going forward. I like your suggestions, thank you again

@MiddleAgedMum45622 to say as well it sounds like you bring a lot of strengths to the table that count just as much as being 'fun'. You sound intelligent, driven and self aware. Those are brilliant things for your son to see, and you should celebrate them. It can be hard not to focus on the areas of parenting or life we feel we need to improve on, so I wanted to make sure you're celebrating your own strengths too.

You definitely have a DH problem.

I mean, DH couldn't think ahead for dinner if his life depended on it. But I can rely on him to do a bit of basic cooking if need be, and to tidy up.

I think you have to sit down and have a rpoper conversation. You need to understand why he's not doing this shit or wiling to. if it's incompetence, then he needs to realise he has to step up. And sure, things might not always be done to your standards, but him taking on laundry or whatever isn't that big an ask FFS. Ditto, I'd be finishing inner and saying, "Right, I'll leave you to the washing up while I do a quick runround the bathroom."

DH does most of the laundry but he's still bad at forward thinking so I do at least half of the actual puttnig a load in the machine because DH just doesn't think about it. But he tends to hang it up once it's done and does 90% of all the folding and putting away which are things that can be done in DH time vs my time!

Aah, I see @MiddleAgedMum45622 , more work for you to do afterwards. That does make those things tricky.
I did find that a couple of overnight stays away, with work and friends when my DC were around 2 years old did kick start some insight, similar to what @Flipflopflipflapper was saying about their week away. It was such a chunk of time that initiative kicked in. There was a pride in having managed without me- particularly if different routines were tried and worked, and I could live with that! Gave me more freedom for the next time. Of course, it was always a bit pleasing when ‘my’ way was proved the better option 😄!

But- I hear what you’re saying about extra work when you come back from shorter outings. Longer stays away might not be the choice for you. Good luck!

I don’t know what the answer is. I think in many cases women would be happier living alone with the kids, but work & finances do make that tricky.

I came home Sunday evening after having taken the kids away all weekend. So DH had 2 whole days to himself. Yet the washing is piled up, no food in the fridge. He says he’s doesn’t think, I think he doesn’t care.

@MJagain yep, it absolutely does feel like he doesn't care. How much of it is that he doesn't care about a nice house and happy kid vs how much he doesn't care about me, I don't know. I certainly take it as a personal "fuck you". But he does have some very good qualities and I would find single parenthood logistically very difficult (I'm an immigrant, I have no family or long standing friends here). I also have a beautiful DS who deserves the best so I want to change what I can change.

I don't want to be my mother, I know that. And I actually REALLY feel for her. She did so much, it hurts me to talk badly of her, genuinely. And she was living in different times etc. I have more choices and resources to do things differently. I want to focus on what I can do for now.

I wish I had been a lesbian, I think that would be even better than marrying a rich man. God if I could have a woman to share parenting and house stuff 50/50, what a dream (lighthearted, I know they have their challenges!!).

I feel changing your use of words might be a start....for you I mean.
You've used the word babysit and needing him to 'mind' your son. How about your partner starts being a PARENT.

Nothing is going to change by planning who does x job or y job until he steps the fuck up and starts parenting. It sounds like he thinks he's doing you a favour.

You need to expect more from your DH and not put up with it.

He makes dinner from now, guess what he needs to learn to make 10 appropriate dishes AND clear up after cooking. That plus the food shop needs to become his job. DS and you need feeding every day, non negotiable, decent healthy food non-negotiable.

Sometimes you just have to step out of being a martyr and tell the other person what the bare minimum is and they need to step up. This is one of those times.

There are so many of these threads with similar situations - I really do feel like it is going to be increasingly common until it resolves itself in a generation or two.

Men used to be the primary earner, and do little at home...
But now more and more (the majority, under 35) of households have women as the primary earner.. and yet men haven't swapped to doing more at home.

I think they will, but societies tend to change at a slow generation by generation rate. It has taken multiple generations to get the point where women earn the same or more than their partners, and now it will likely take a generation or two for the societal norms of what a man is expected to do at home to change.

Obviously none of that helps you - but hopefully it contextualizes it within this ongoing re-alignment of marital roles.

For you, I would do either one of two things.

A, if you think your husband has any chance of changing, then I would be brutally honest with him and lay out the fact that you are doing the "Womens" jobs and the "mans" jobs in the traditional sense, and taking on far to much of the burden. Make a list - including income brought in and hours worked - and show him on paper exactly how unfair it is.

B, if you love him but think he will never change, then you need to find ways of reducing your stress without relying on him. Using external services, cleaners, nannies, childminders etc. Minimize complexity in your home, reduce sources of work/clutter etc. Build in time to relax/destress, and use childcare if your husband makes this hard.

I know people on here jump to "DIVORCE!" when ever a man is slightly useless... but in reality plenty of couples exist where one person is more proactive and hard working, and one is more relaxed, careless, lazy, etc. This can be the man or the women.. but it doesn't mean there isn't love or that they aren't amazing in other ways. And to be honest, often the more intense and driven person needs to be married to someone more laid back because two driven people can drive each other crazy...