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Original poster

DD6 behaviour towards friend - advice needed

12 replies

Coldcoffeekindamorning · 08/06/2026 15:57

DD is 6.5 years old and in her 2nd year of school. She has been BF with a little girl since starting school and they've had a really sweet friendship but over the past 6 months DD has said they pretty much argue and squabble at least once a day. I'm not quite sure why it's happening as when they are on play dates they are best friends and play really nice together. When they're at school, I'm just getting DDs version of what's happened and I'm struggling to know what to do.

Basically from what DD says her BF is very bossy, is always correcting her/telling her what to do and DD is getting annoyed at this. When they play make belive games BF won't allow her to be her favourite animal. I think from watching DD play, it might be because she gets totally engrossed in the animal and from my point of view can be quite annoying so I can only imagine her friends find it hard to connect with her when she is like this. I've tried talking to her about it and explaining that her friends will find it hard to play if she is just making animal noises and running feral but I dont know if it's registered with her.

Last week her friend said she couldn't play her favourite game (animals) and DD said she got angry and hit her x3 times. I asked DD to show me how hard she hit her and it wasn't so hard thankfully but I am absolutely mortified that she layed her hands on her. I do not tolerate hitting and I have taught all my children since toddlers it's unacceptable. It is completely out of character for DD, she will never hit back even on occasions when other kids have hit her, has never touched her little brother even when he is annoying her etc. She has a gentle nature so I don't understand where this has come from.

Fast forward to today and she just told me she pushed BF over a stupid squabble about nothing. Again I asked her to show me and it wasn't hard but again WTAF!!! She said she said sorry to her BF and she said it was ok (absolutely not ok in my book!)

So now I'm wondering what I should do and how to handle this? Should I get in touch with the OP to apologise? How do I stop DD doing this?

Just to say as not to drip feed - the consequences for the actions last week were I didnt allow DD to have any playdates last week.

The school didnt flag any of these incidents up, it was DD who told me.

DDs DGP died at the start of the year and she is still grieving but we haven't noticed anything unusual about how she is coping with this.

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ohyesido · 08/06/2026 16:04

This has potential to escalate as its two occasions where your DD has chosen violence. How have the other girl’s parents reacted? I’d keep them separated from each other until the truth is established and the reasons why your DD has lashed out are clear

Snorlaxo · 08/06/2026 16:08

I would talk to dd and role play better ways to deal with emotions like anger and disappointment.

I would also encourage other friendships which is a way to deal with best friend saying no to dd.

Do the classes get mixed up each year? A drastic solution but would it benefit both girls to have a break from each other and be in different classes

TheOccupier · 08/06/2026 16:09

If this is happening at school, talk to the teacher, say that DD has confessed this to you and how you have responded, and ask them to keep a close eye out and/or separate the girls.

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Floppyearedlab · 08/06/2026 16:09

The children need separating, no more play dates for now and you need to work on grief with her. Children grieve so differently to adults but the impact is equally significant.

Original poster
Coldcoffeekindamorning · 08/06/2026 16:10

ohyesido · 08/06/2026 16:04

This has potential to escalate as its two occasions where your DD has chosen violence. How have the other girl’s parents reacted? I’d keep them separated from each other until the truth is established and the reasons why your DD has lashed out are clear

Yes, that's what I'm worried about. I don't know why she has done this and it's directed towards just one kid. I've not spoken to the OP but I think i will need to get in touch tonight to apologise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coldcoffeekindamorning · 08/06/2026 16:37

Snorlaxo · 08/06/2026 16:08

I would talk to dd and role play better ways to deal with emotions like anger and disappointment.

I would also encourage other friendships which is a way to deal with best friend saying no to dd.

Do the classes get mixed up each year? A drastic solution but would it benefit both girls to have a break from each other and be in different classes

Edited

I have always told DD that she needs to use her words when she is angry and she generally does. She doesnt lash out, she can be loud and shout yes but she knows not to do this.

I have tried to encourage other friendships and there is a small group of them that play together so she does talk about playing with other girls. Up until this point I thought that this was the way forward but this has turned it on its head.

The classes were mixed before DD started school but they weren't when she moved up a year this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coldcoffeekindamorning · 08/06/2026 16:38

Floppyearedlab · 08/06/2026 16:09

The children need separating, no more play dates for now and you need to work on grief with her. Children grieve so differently to adults but the impact is equally significant.

Any other advice about grieving kids? It's impossible to separate them because I can't control that at school and it's a small community so I am friendly with OP so we see each other a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coldcoffeekindamorning · 08/06/2026 16:40

TheOccupier · 08/06/2026 16:09

If this is happening at school, talk to the teacher, say that DD has confessed this to you and how you have responded, and ask them to keep a close eye out and/or separate the girls.

I have mentioned the squabbling before to their teacher but its the usual "oh little girls blah blah blah try and encourage other friendships blah blah"

OP posts:
MayaLui · 08/06/2026 16:50

Conflict is normal at this age and nothing in your first two paragraphs is particularly worrying, they are both learning, although it sounds like they'd both benefit from broadening their friendship groups.

The physical escalation is concerning, although again, whilst it needs dealing with, don't overreact - boys behave like that every day in the playground and no one bats an eyelid.

I think banning playdates is the opposite of what you should be doing. Your daughter needs to learn social skills and that takes practice. Instead I'd suggest upping supervised playdates with a range of children where you keep a close eye on them for now. Does she have other groups/hobbies she attends? Treat it as if she was struggling with maths, you wouldn't limit the amount of maths she did, you'd practice more.

Books, roleplay can help. Do you play board games? Learning to lose is important.

Re grieving, have you done anything like a memory box or scrapbook with her? Do you talk about DGP, look at photos together, or visit the grave? Have you read any grief books? All these things can support young children to grieve.

Weeellokthen · 08/06/2026 16:55

MayaLui · 08/06/2026 16:50

Conflict is normal at this age and nothing in your first two paragraphs is particularly worrying, they are both learning, although it sounds like they'd both benefit from broadening their friendship groups.

The physical escalation is concerning, although again, whilst it needs dealing with, don't overreact - boys behave like that every day in the playground and no one bats an eyelid.

I think banning playdates is the opposite of what you should be doing. Your daughter needs to learn social skills and that takes practice. Instead I'd suggest upping supervised playdates with a range of children where you keep a close eye on them for now. Does she have other groups/hobbies she attends? Treat it as if she was struggling with maths, you wouldn't limit the amount of maths she did, you'd practice more.

Books, roleplay can help. Do you play board games? Learning to lose is important.

Re grieving, have you done anything like a memory box or scrapbook with her? Do you talk about DGP, look at photos together, or visit the grave? Have you read any grief books? All these things can support young children to grieve.

Best advice yet, agree

Original poster
Coldcoffeekindamorning · 08/06/2026 16:57

MayaLui · 08/06/2026 16:50

Conflict is normal at this age and nothing in your first two paragraphs is particularly worrying, they are both learning, although it sounds like they'd both benefit from broadening their friendship groups.

The physical escalation is concerning, although again, whilst it needs dealing with, don't overreact - boys behave like that every day in the playground and no one bats an eyelid.

I think banning playdates is the opposite of what you should be doing. Your daughter needs to learn social skills and that takes practice. Instead I'd suggest upping supervised playdates with a range of children where you keep a close eye on them for now. Does she have other groups/hobbies she attends? Treat it as if she was struggling with maths, you wouldn't limit the amount of maths she did, you'd practice more.

Books, roleplay can help. Do you play board games? Learning to lose is important.

Re grieving, have you done anything like a memory box or scrapbook with her? Do you talk about DGP, look at photos together, or visit the grave? Have you read any grief books? All these things can support young children to grieve.

The problem is she is good as gold on play dates and this is all happening at school. Like I said I have asked the school and they seem to think its all within the range of normal. It helps to think of it in terms of boys but I cant help but feel very concerned about it as it is out of character and I am so embarrassed to tell OP (DD can drip feed so o am waiting to see if anything more comes out tonight). I just feel like the consequence didnt work and now I don't know what to do? Another consequence? Or something else? She knows it's wrong but she isn't acting very bothered about it (it seems for show) and when I ask her why she did it she said she didn't know.

The grieving process has been a very difficult one for everyone as it was a difficult relationship and other family members have made it very stressful. I have talked to DC about it and we have read a book, we look at photos and videos but it always comes down to the fact they cant see DGP again and that they are gone. I dont know how to help them deal with that when the adults are just getting through it as best as possible and dont know how to deal with it either. I am exhausted by it all but I am doing my best and I will take the time to talk about it whenever they bring it up.

OP posts:
johnd2 · 08/06/2026 20:00

Are you sure there's an issue? It sounds like your child is saying they have done something at school, the school are saying there's no issue, and you are punishing your child off the back of it?
Surely you are just teaching your child to keep quiet and not tell you things?
If the school are saying they are seeing no issue then just let them deal with it?
No point in making your life harder than it needs to be, kids always find a way of winding us up.

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