Struggling with my six-year-old's bedtime anxiety and feeling awful

[Feellikeamonster1]

Name changed for this one (it speaks for itself).

My DD6 has been a bit of a nightmare at bedtime recently. She went from going to sleep with no problems at all, to not being able to get to sleep at all, sometimes until 11pm. We have tried everything: no TV, bedtime meditation, winding down before bed, warm milk, lots of exercise during the day, little to no sugar or processed foods etc. She does not have access to screens unless she is watching TV, and then it will only be when I or her father are watching something with her. We are normally in a good routine.
This sleep problem has been going on for nearly a month now. She keeps coming downstairs and demanding that one of us stay in with her.
I absolutely lost it with her last night, she was allowed to stay up later reading on the condition that she stay in her room until the morning (unless she needs the toilet), even if she can’t sleep. Not five minutes after I came down, she appeared.
I completely lost it, I was properly shouting and screaming at her and threatening to start throwing all her toys away if she didn’t put her head back down on her pillow (not relevant to the sleep thing I know but I was desperate). She was shaking and sobbing. Eventually I gave her a hug and said I was sorry for getting so angry and I wish I hadn’t and that I love her very much. We then had a long talk about how anxious she is about sleep. She said that she is tired every morning when she wakes up and is worried about falling asleep at school. I said I’d call the doctor on Monday.

I’m not sure what I’m after here, maybe a hand hold? I feel like a monster and feel sick for how I behaved towards a little girl.

Does anyone have any tips to help a previously good sleeper who is now having trouble sleeping?

Does she have a night light. If you stayed with her until she went to sleep how long would it take? I used to stay with my daughter while she went off to sleep at this age, but then I didn't mind doing that, but I know not everyone feels the same. Has she watched anything 'scary' on TV, is school ok?

When I was a child I used to hate being upstairs on my own whilst everyone else was downstairs so I can understand how your daughter feels.

Have you tried leaving her door open so she can see out and bustling about doing ‘chores’, going past the door, a little wave as you go past, that sort of thing? DD1 went through a phase like this and I would just loudly do some laundry sorting upstairs or tidying up, walk by her room and give her a wave or pop in to put something away in her drawer, then carry on and she would always nod off. It was just a phase and it passed relatively quickly.

I think for some kids being upstairs alone can be a bit scary sometimes. I remember as a kid always feeling happier if I could hear my mum in the next room or something.

Yeah, counterintuitively I'd try leaving her door open and the lounge door open so she can easily hear you even if she can't see you.

Thank you for your replies, and really
good practical advice. I’ll give it a go tonight.
Just when I thought we had sleep nailed!

My son went through something similar and it was somehow more exhausting than all the baby and toddler phase disrupted sleep! Don't beat yourself up about getting cross - you made a mistake and apologised, it is what it is.

My advice (and I know this won't feel helpful) is to not overthink it and maybe just try and ride it out. See it less as a problem to solve and more as a problem to navigate through. It's very easy to feel as though any change at this age is permanent and terrifying but often they do just come through these things on their own and you wonder how the hell it happened. Best of luck 🤞

Does she have a yoto or tonie box, listening to stories can be soothing, DNeice is 6 and their routine is she can draw and listen to stories until she feels sleepy. Sometimes it takes her an hour to get to sleep when I'm babysitting but both she and her parents are happy with the arrangement.

Don't beat yourself up about what happened, you're only human.

I was going to say yoto as well :)

Sounds like a hard situation. As A veteran of sleep issues I still don't feel like I have all the advice, our 6 year old has a yoto with music cards and sleep sounds programmed in, he has a nightlight on all the time, I check on him at random intervals, he has access to a limited number of books.
Generally at around 8pm I remind him to put the book away if he hasn't either fallen asleep on the book or put it away and gone to sleep himself.
It's a tough balancing act but it's giving him enough stimulation to relax but not too much to sleep.
For your case I can't help much but perhaps try to make bedtime less of a separation/harsh transition. Often as parents we are looking forward to having our own time and they are dreading the same so we can lose sight. Anything to soften the transition rather than just move it around may help.
It can help to imagine that for them bedtime feels like being taken to another city/the rainforest/a tent and then your whole family and friends going off for a few months. It can really tap into your empathy more if you think of it like that rather than just a bedtime from an adult point of view.

Another suggestion I thought of is ask your child what they think would help, eg sit down with some paper during day time, and try to brain storm as if it's something unemotional, work together to find something to try for a night, then refine from there.

Hope some of that is useful, even if not magic!

When we stay in with her, sometimes she gets to sleep fairly quickly, but recently I’ll be in there for not even five minutes and she’ll start saying how she can’t get to sleep. Cue the talk about giving it time, deep breathing etc. I haven’t heard of the yoto thing, I’ll look into it.
She is a sensitive, worrying child which certainly doesn’t help, and we are working on this with her and have been for a while.
Poor kid, I really feel for her, but it’s hard for us all!

Thanks again everyone, you’ve all been so helpful.

I wouldn’t be concentrating on her going to sleep. Let her stay in bed doing whatever she wants to do. I didn’t need a lot of sleep as a child and she might be the same.

We’re about to do some kids bedtime yoga and meditation now, and I’ve agreed she can sleep in the big bed tonight. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Don't make yourself responsible for her going to sleep. It's something she has to get through herself.

Bath time, 20mins story time then I would sing twinkle twinkle! then audio CD (or equivalent these days) story, night lights on , leave the room. Fast asleep in 15mins...... 😊

Do you think that doing meditation, yoga and all the other things you have tried is building up the whole can’t sleep won’t sleep issue in her head? Just a thought.

As other have said, settling her calmly into bed with not too much fuss but with a story to listen to, and her being aware that you are round and about, folding laundry, cleaning the bathroom might normalise being in bed, getting ready to sleep and drifting off naturally without making it a bigger thing than you are all possibly building it into.

F

I agree with pp that maybe talking about the worries a lot, bedtime yoga etc could contribute to validating that there actually is something to worry about and falling asleep is a very difficult thing to do.

My DS is 5 and quite anxious generally. He sleeps with his bedroom door open, we also have our bedroom door open. I stay upstairs until he has fallen asleep but not in his room.

We do stories in his room, then tuck him in to bed and then attempt to leave. At this point he might start getting upset and asking me to stay with him. I say I’m going to my room to get into my pyjamas / tidy my room / put washing away and I will come back and see him in a minute.

On a good night he might go straight to sleep, on a bad night he’ll call me and I’ll go back and give him a cuddle / tuck him in a bit and then go off again… and repeat.

He’s reassured that I’m nearby and if he calls me I’ll come.

Has she watched k pop because this absolutely ruined my daughter's sleep. My dd similar age does the same thing. It's usually a sign of her being anxious or scared. We try and start bedtime early and let her read for an hour with a soft warm lamp on. This makes her sleepy. We make sure room is a normal temp (colder seems to work best). Then we stop books, hug, sit for 5 mins and if she talks we leave. She then pretends to herself that we're still there and hopefully she falls asleep. The constantly coming down is exhausting and we lose our temper too, dont be too hard on yourself. You could always say you can come in our bed later if necessary. Might provide some reassurance. She did say it wasnt fair that we as parents get to fall asleep with each other and she does not - totally understandable! It's exhausting, hope it gets better soon. I would avoid too many additional activities pre bed as might be more stimulating

Thanks everyone, she’s sound asleep. Will see what happens the next few nights. Poor kid, she said herself that she’s tired every morning and knows she’s not getting enough sleep.

Thanks for all your advice, lots to think about.

It’s hard when they struggle to get to sleep. We find that all the worries come out at bedtime and sometimes we have to work through them before they will settle to sleep. DS is 8 and still struggles with sleep sometimes. We used Moshi monsters for a while but it means leaving an iPad or similar in the room with them. Now he sleeps with a fan on every night, which I turn off when I go to bed. He can be quite anxious and is very sensory so it helps regulate him. If he can’t sleep we let him play or read in his room, he usually settles within 30mins. If they really can’t get to sleep they come back down and sit with us for 15mins.