How should I handle my 10-year-old refusing contact with her dad?

[confusedandwingingit]

Hey!

Super long, I apologise in advance!
Daughters of 14 and 10.
14 year old stopped since Bio Dad around 3 years ago. Just decided she didnt want to see him anymore.
10 year old is going the same way, hasn't slept at his since December.

Been split from their Dad 9 years nearly
Organically the stayed 3 nights a week when first split, ( I was railalroded into it 😪 as felt guilty!)

Then went to two days a week as per girls request.

Then in the last 2 years youngest daughter has decided every other weekend, he has had the options & choice to see her in the week but hasn't actioned that or wanted to.

10 year old is refusing to go to his completely at the moment (he lives with his parents) she over heard her 'grandad' and dad call me a horrendous word.

If they have agreed to go shopping at the weekend, for example the Sat, if she doesnt sleep over the Friday he wont take her shopping, she'll say "he'll punish me by not letting me go shopping because I didnt sleep" (this is just on example of a whole list!)

He'll text her things like 'sorry for being a good dad' when she says she doesn't want to see him. He completely disregards her feeling. And I dont know what to do 😭 I just constantly get abuse, or memes posted about me on instagram calling me alsorts and him acussing me of "parental alienation" ...but he will not communicate with me like an adult. Just abuse.

Surely it should be this hard???

What do I do?!

P.s He has nothing to do with eldest and doesnt even ask how she is etc. He has her number. Doesnt bother.

She’s old enough to start deciding for herself and he’s clearly an arsehole so I’d support her in not seeing him. Don’t badmouth him or discourage their relationship, but if she doesn’t want to go then she doesn’t go. Obviously block him on social media

She’s stated what she wants so I’d support her.

Support your dd in her choices, and record all his texts to show a court, should the need arise.

What an unpleasant foolish man.

Don’t make her go
She doesn’t need people like that in her life to prove her worth

He's shown his hand by having nothing to do with your eldest. If your younger daughter wants nothing to do with him I'd just follow her lead.

Personally I would do nothing...

it is his job to keep that relationship alive, and it sounds like he is doing the exact opposite.

(nothing means no negative comments against him, just nothing, if she wants to go then fine - no emotion shown... if she doesn't want to go then fine - no emotion shown. Keep neutral, as it sounds like he can ruin this relationship on his own, and you don't need to stoop to his level.

Go with whatever she wants. Let him go to court if he wants- they are very unlikely to go against the wishes of a child this age.

Wow @confusedandwingingit the stuff he’s sending your DD - she is clearly able to make up her own mind. She’s not just being awkward, she seems to be reacting appropriately and not being blackmailed or pressured (eg the shopping trips are conditional on her sleeping over). Good for her - I’d be backing her up, without being unkind or rude you can agree what he does is a bad example of how to behave.

She sounds very sensible. Why do you think she should see him OP?

Well that's that then. At least you won't have to communicate with him anymore.

She's old enough to chose. Be thankful she's bold enough to ask to be out of it, it sounds like a toxic place for her.

One by one my older 3 decided seeing their father was a waste of time. I neither encouraged nor discouraged it. Secretly I was delighted to be honest. He never provided for them nicely on the rare occasions he had them and i liked them being with me where i knew they were loved and cared for.

Let him say what he likes! Protect her from his ranting. With children you reap what you sow. His loss.

You need to support your daughter. If she doesn't want to see him then she doesn't want to see him.

Would you make her go to another relatives, a friend's or a school residential trip if she didn't want to?

Listen to both your daughters. There's a reason they don't want to go and it might not be obvious.

Remain neutral but supportive of their decisions.

You're not stopping them from going- you're listening to your children and allowing them to make decisions. That's empowering. If their dad can't see this, it's sadly his problem. Not yours.

You said you get 'abuse' from him. Please make sure this is handled correctly. If there needs to be intervention, seek it. You and your daughters don't deserve the treatment he's giving you.