How can I help my daughters stay safe as teenagers?

[NFloveotters]

Hi, like many on hear the news of those teenage boys not currently facing a custodial sentence for raping those girls is on a loop in my head. As the mother of two DD's, 14 and 12, I'm trying to figure out what I can do to help them protect them selves in the best way, still develop their independence but also give them the best tools to face difficult situations. Does anyone have any advice please?

You need to know where they are, who they’re meeting with and how they’re getting there and back. You also need to talk to them about the dreadful case that’s just happened. Talk about how awful it is that these things can happen to women and girls and how we need to support and protect each other. That means being open about where we’re going and keeping in contact with each other. It’s absolutely shit that we have to do this. It’s not fair that our daughters have to watch their backs. But you can’t stick your head in the sand about it. Your daughters need to be aware so they can keep safe.

My dd has done martial arts training for several years, the aim of which is to just stop the attacker for long enough to escape, rather than fight them.
but one thing her trainer said was always keep small coins / stones in your pocket as if you throw them at someone it distracts them and that may be long enough to run away.

I will be telling both my daughter and son to try to go with friends of both sexes-in my experience, both boys and girls are safer in mixed groups. Girls are less likely to be hassled, and boys are less likely to get in fights.
I also will tell both to try not to be alone. Young men can't go to the toilet in groups (seems socially unacceptable, and I know of too may attacked, but girls still can. Both my children will be advised not to walk alone, and to plan safe routes home. I will encourage them to allow me to track them, but as they get older it's up to them-they will have my location tracker too.
No, it shouldn''t need to be this way.

Location trackers for as long as possible

Offer lifts, be available always - they can always call me

Talk to them about potentially unsafe situations

Sadly, warning them about men in general…

I have two daughters as well (12 and 15), so that case has been sitting heavily with me too.
One thing I've learned over the years is that there isn't a single thing that keeps girls safe. It's usually a combination of confidence, awareness, trusted adults and ongoing conversations.
The practical things we've focused on are:

• Making sure they know they can call or text us at any time, no questions asked.
• Talking openly about pressure, consent, manipulation and situations that "don't feel right".
• Agreeing on simple safety habits when they're out with friends (sharing plans, checking in, staying together where possible).
• Practising what they would actually say if they felt uncomfortable, because it's much harder in the moment.

I've also experimented with quite a few family safety and parental control apps over the years. My biggest takeaway was that technology can help with location sharing, emergency contact features and keeping communication open, but it doesn't replace the confidence and judgement they need to build themselves. For me, the goal isn't to monitor every move. It's making sure they know they can trust their instincts and reach us quickly if something feels wrong. You're already doing the right thing by thinking about this now.

That. You sound very sensible, so does the op.

I'm 76 and when I was a teenager I got into all sorts of danger with some very dubious characters. Looking back I often think I'm lucky to be alive!

There was no way I could ever have talked to my mother about it, or anyone else. She would have blamed me anyway and her idea of keeping me safe would have been to keep me indoors.

Communication between youngsters and adults is so much better now, there is mutual respect and that goes a long way.

I knew a young woman who was raped by a stranger in broad daylight. I never forgot her.

My dd school has done a good job teaching about consent, online and physical safety and I have talked to DD about some of the most shocking cases like Sarah Everard - that you always have to be on your guard even if a person seems trustworthy or intimidating.

I always remember my best friend age 19 telling me that on the way home from the pub she got flagged down by police on a country road home. My friend didn’t drink but I guess the police could have seen her turn out of the pub and she did look about 15 years old! The police insisted she had to get out of the car, and my brave friend, who was utterly terrified, point blank refused to get out, handed her licence through the crack in the window and said she’d follow the police to the station but it wasn’t safe to get out of a car as a single female on an empty country lane. Amazingly the police let her go.

My dd has been doing martial arts since she was 8 - actually what it has taught her is that in a fight she hasn’t got much chance of overpowering a boy her age or older, but she does have self-defence skills. She knows that the main thing is to avoid the situation where the confrontation happens but failing that she might be able to fight back enough to escape or on a good day disarm someone with a knife, or look like she knows what she’s doing enough to get an attacker to back off. The main thing is she knows that she has to make noise and get away, that it’s better to shout “fire!” than simply scream as people ignore screaming.

Tracking someone’s phone gives false confidence - if they are being raped in a bush, by the time you get there, it’s too late. If your dd is walking alone a rape alarm is a good idea. Hold it to the attacker’s ear, the loud noise can be disorienting and create a small window of opportunity to escape. I actually used to have mine in my hand when I walked alone, if I felt scared I also used to put my front door key between my fingers/knuckles (can jab with it like a knife).

Obviously knowing about not accepting drinks in glasses unless you were at the bar is important but also, knowing symptoms and what to do if you suspect you might have been injected with rohypnol, as needle spiking is now “a thing”.

Knowing what to do if someone appears to be following you and worse if you are followed to your car (I miss the old days, when there was no central unlocking of every bloody door and a risk of someone climbing in to your car).

You can’t go at these topics all in one go though - it’s drip-feeding the advice over time and discussing news headlines and having that basic knowledge on place so when they go out you can just top up!

She is at more harm in relationships than strangers but women won't open their eyes

Not been our experience. Strangers have been the issue not boys her age. Dd2 is tall and beautiful (not boasting she just is) and sadly has had several horrific instances of disgusting sexual verbal abuse from adult men since she’s been about 12 onwards. This has happened while out and about during the day.

We’ve advised sit near other women and ask them for help. Put aside ALL usual rules of politeness if a man talks to you. There is no good reason for an adult male to talk to a young teen girl he doesn’t know so be on guard the minute this happens. We’ve reported several instances to the police but nothing happens.

We have a very open and honest relationship with my DSD (15) she knows she can talk to us about anything which I think helps hugely for starters.

We also have Life 360 as a family (inc our 2 younger boys for playing out) and we also share our location with them all so not only can we see where they are but they can also see where we are too, I think this makes them feel like we are keeping them safe rather than keeping tabs on them and as such they feel trusted.

DSD knows she is to tell us beforehand where she is going and who with and we have also had many conversations about not feeling comfortable etc and if something feels off then to listen to your gut. She has a strict time to be home for and places she knows is off limits alone or when dark.

All of this will also be done for our DS's when they reach an age where they are more independent. DS 1 (10) has recently started walking to and from School alone and also playing on a local park with friends he has been spoken to about safety etc and last week he had a grown man threaten him and his friend for playing football whilst waiting for another friend (I understand this can be annoying) but I was proud of him, he rang me and DH straight away told us what had happened and asked for one of us to collect him.

As much as we want to protect them from the awful things which go on in the world now unfortunately we can't forever so I believe for us it works being open and honest and warning them etc works wonders. There's some many children these days who seem to be allowed the freedom to roam etc but have not been prepared for the dangers it can bring. Some don't even know how to cross a road before starting high school which to me is a basic....

Good luck OP it's a horrible world now and scary for us as parents

Thank you all for sharing your experiences, advice and support, it is invaluable to me and has given me lots to think about and look into.

I think location sharers are an excellent idea however one note of caution that was mentioned to me and made me think how I’d need to approach using a location sharer… they can normalise having someone knowing where you are constantly and can therefore make someone more agreeable/ susceptible to being tracked later in life for example a coercive or domestic violence type of situation.

I like the approach given above about having everyone’s location available so it’s not just about tracking.

Don’t be scared of asking other women for help. Sorry to be sexist but every time it has happened other women have helped. An incident on the bus a twenty something woman stepped in they both went to the driver and he threw the man off the bus. Most people are decent especially women. Bet everyone on this thread would help someone else’s daughter being hassled by a disgusting peaodphile.