Nobody talks about how lonely the newborn stage can be

[KiriBrown]

I absolutely adore my baby, but some days feel like an endless cycle of feeding, changing nappies, trying to settle them, and then starting all over again.
My partner is supportive, but during the day it's mostly just me and the baby, and I wasn't expecting the newborn stage to feel quite so isolating at times.
Please tell me I'm not the only one who has felt this way? When did things start to feel a bit more normal for you?

They really do, you know. You just weren't in the right headspace to hear it. The newborn stage for me was utterly ghastly. I was convinced I'd made a horrible, permanently life-wrecking mistake (and DS was a wanted and planned baby, we were in a happy, committed relationship and in our late 30s). I was googling local adoption services, and I once put my clothes on and walked out about 3 am, but came back at the end of the street.

What solved it for me was going back to work after maternity leave, which is a weirdly artificial situation. DS is now 14 and a challenging, beautiful, moody delight. I'm delighted I had him.

I think parenting generally is lonely. Going back to work didn’t help me personally but perhaps that is just me.

Oh darling, EVERYONE talks about how lonely this is. It's amazing we don't all go mad.

Have you read much around this issue? I found it really helpful to understand that this is normal for women.

Hi, OP. Yes it really can be, especially if you have a partner who works a lot. How old is your little one? Are you talking teeny tiny newborn or a couple of months?

I found things hard for quite a while, but not unmanageably so. After 2 or 3 months I was able to get out fairly regularly on my own with the baby and it was OK. I was still very tired and things felt hard, but I could get out. That made a difference.

By 5/6 months I'd say it got a lot more manageable, but baby still had fussy and tired days, and there's always new stuff to think about with formula, weaning etc, the naps and sleep are constantly changing.

By 9/10 months he got into a (more or less) regular 2 naps a day routine, sleeping pretty well at night, and things are feeling much better. I'm starting to think about going back to work etc and it's starting to all slot into place.

I know that feels like quite a long stretch from the newborn stage, but it's not that it's all hard - I have found that there are hard days and easier days at every stage.

Do you go to any baby groups/ NCT etc? They really helped me, even just a free one at a local children's centre where parents with babies would go and sit around and have a cup of tea, chat etc. Nothing fancy or expensive at all, just a few toys and a bit of company. Local libraries are great too - mine do a baby rhyme time thing which is lovely.

Just try to remember that everything is a stage and it feels like forever when you are in it, but once you are out of it you look back and it feels like it flew by. I don't mean that in a patronising 'savour the moment' way - I just mean that this too shall pass xx

It is really relentless in the early days. There’s so much love but it is so tiring at times and there’s always a new stage to navigate.

I found getting out for a walk each day sometimes twice helped. Meeting up with other Mum’s from NCT or baby groups.
Can you invite anyone over for a coffee or meet up for a walk with someone? Pop over and visit someone. It does help to chat (and eat cake!)

It does get easier the older they get and you get more confident and adept at feeding out, packing a baby bag, managing the buggy, getting it in and the car or on public transport.

Do you have mum friends or contacts near by? Or baby groups ? Your midwife/health visitor might be able to advise if not.

When your partner is around can you do something for yourself? Hobby, see a friend or exercise class (depending on how post birth you are) or even a long bath reading/listening to music or a podcast.

Do you/your friends still use social media? When someone has a newborn I tend to try to give them space, because I know it can be a very intense time but I would be dying to visit so if you put out a post saying something like "Baby and I are more settled into a routine, but it can be a bit tricky to get out of the house so if anyone would like to come over for a coffee and cuddles, send me a text". If I was your friend IRL I would definitely respond! If you add a few pictures (if you're happy to share pics) then the post is more likely to be seen by people.

It's tricky because some people have loads of family/friends clamouring to visit and they feel they can't breathe and need space, whereas some people end up with everyone holding back out of politeness or don't know many people locally and feel really lonely/isolated.

And YY I definitely agree with looking for local baby groups. If you have a family hub they will probably run one. Some areas still have Sure Start which is also great. NCT often do a "bumps and babies" type group which is for women who are at the end of pregnancy and mums with babies not yet crawling. You don't need to be a member or have attended a course. Churches might have a playgroup coffee morning type thing. And try googling "baby group <town>" and see what comes up.

I found it exactly that - isolating and repetitive but very little sleep too so it’s this weird cycle over the day and night and it was not the same as it was before having a baby. Mine was so fussy too and never took to things like a dummy, sling, sitting in the pram without fussing and crying hard. I thought I’d go mad and it would last forever. My DC is four and now it feels like time did go fast but it sure didn’t feel like that in the thick of it.

I think it can be lonely, but it's also what you make it. I appreciate that it may be more tricky for quite introverted people, but there are so many activities and classes for those with babies and young children, where you can meet new friends. It was an influx of new friends that I hadn't had since university days.

Classes for young babies aren't really fit the babies - they are to connect up new mums.

If you at home with you and a baby then yes it'll be lonely. But you could go to baby massage, and after a couple of weeks ask if anyone wants to go for a coffee or lunch after. My baby days (including need) actually helped me make lots of new friends - some of which faded away when people started going back to work, some of which of have lasted.

Toddler groups can be harder because people of know each other more and go together, so things for tiny babies are often better for making friendships in the early days.

Agreed, I hated it. The days are so long and monotonous, and often just hard with an unsettled baby.

I found it helped to have an activity planned every day, even if just for an hour.

Oh OP - everyone talks about this. It’s just nobody really understands it until they’re the ones in the middle and struggling.

Everyone talks about it. You just weren't listening at the time because it didn't apply to you.

Tbh, there's really nothing that 'nobody is talking about' at all anymore with social media and the Internet.

They do talk about it, but it's not really something you can fully comprehend until you're in it. The same with the lack of sleep/being tired all the time. You can imagine feeling tired all the time, but being right in the deep of sleep deprivation is not something you can fully picture.

I found the newborn months so much more all consuming than I'd known was possible. In particular, the feeding and the reflux. I genuinely felt if I wasn't spending time with baby stuck to my breast then I was cleaning up his sick and changing his bodysuits endlessly. I won't lie, I hated it. For me, things felt better once I'd found a decent group with like minded, supportive mums who didn't care if I showed up with tear filled eyes and an hour late. And as baby got older and less "needy" on a constant basis.

I absolutely think they do. But people who are in the TTC, peeing on sticks, buying cute baby clothes, thinking about babies all the time phase of life don’t want to hear about it.

We were generally the first of our friends to have a baby by about 3-4 years. Everyone who had their first after us came back and said, I totally didn’t believe you when you said it would be so hard!

It’s incredibly boring and lonely. Best thing you can do is get out and carry on with your life, not just your post-baby life. Get out and go to museums, take day trips to places you want to go, travel with baby if you can afford it (I took mine solo to Barcelona for eating in pinxto bars and drinking wine in cafes, it was fab). Hand baby off when your partner comes home and go for a swim, run, hike, spin class, whatever activity you enjoy once they can be left and hour or two.

Make plans for your next career move and what the next few years will look like for you, new job, retraining, starting a business. Use this time to focus on life planning and building yourself up, not just baby groups. It made a real difference practically and in terms of my mental health.

I think this comes up a lot. It is a very short time in relation to the rest of your life ... best just to throw yourself into it and enjoy bonding with your lovely new baby. It will pass in a flash.

It isn't boring as PPs have said! ... not boring at all! A brand new life for you to nurture and observe them change and develop by the day ... it is exciting, not boring!

Nobody talks about this?

Good post.

Everyone told you but you were too excited to listen/thought you were special/thought you'd study a masters degree while a newborn sleeps lol.

I was just as naive, so I'm not criticising you. If we all paid attention to how hard parenting really is, humanity would end.

Get out there to baby groups and classes. I went out every single morning. Made a huge difference. I had a BF support group on Mondays, baby yoga on Tuesday, mum &baby pilates on Wednesday, sensory class on Thursday and then Fridays I would see a friend for a coffee or lunches.

And in the evening, go out with your DH. This is your last chance to go to a party or fancy restaurants with a sleepy baby. We were warned about this and took full advantage (even though we were bone crushingly tired) and I'm so glad I did.

Once your baby hits 4 months, you are tied to stupid fucking 7/8pm bedtime for YEARS. Now THAT'S lonely as fuck. No more restaurants, parties, socialising, nada together, until you line up a trusty babysitter. And most babies won't go to sleep for anyone other than mum or dad so really it's not until 1 or later that you can get a regular date night (and I'm lucky, I have friends whose toddlers still didn't settle for a babysitter ages 2 or 3).

WhatsApp groups and letting friends and family know you’re keen for visits helps, as do pram walks to coffee shops if you’re healthy and mobile
do you have children’s centres running mum and bat sessions locally, a baby massage course from when baby is eight weeks is great too