Why do old people think it's ok to criticise your parenting?!

[Tinkjon]

DS (9 months and was in the pram at the time) just got asked by an old lady "why haven't you got any shoes on?!". Firstly, how irritating that she felt she could indirectly criticise me by talking to him! But how rude anyway... I often seem to get this from old people - why do they think they can just tell you you're doing it all wrong? Surely that's a MIL's job? I started to reply along the lines of "well it's really bad for them to wear shoes until they really need them, it can damage their feet" etc. but I couldn't be arsed so just said "er - because he can't walk yet." Daft woman.

because they like children and want to talk to them
because they have experience to share
because they might be lonely and have no grandchildren of their own
because they are trying to help
because they are wicked old ladies who are deliberately trying to wind you up because its so easy

My mum told me the other day that she had stopped a woman walking along stooped over holding onto her daughter and told her she needed reins as they were so wonderful. I was a bit at first but then my mum said she just felt she HAD to tell her as she had found them so helpful and she was worried about the woman's back.

And my mum isn't really a rude nasty/interfering person. I was surprised to hear that the woman hadn't told her where to go though, and half expected to see a thread on here about it.

Anyway, now I am slightly more understanding of old people giving advice!

I like it when people talk to DS (as does he). Any unsolicited advice I can ignore. A nice chap in the supermarket offered him some chweing gum the other day, I politely refused (he's 20 mo).

Much practice with older family members, including the loon who told me I should ALWAYS bf from the right side first as it was more nutritious...

Hmm, baffled as to how this has suddenly become about not wanting to talk to people! Snora, you've misunderstood. I wasn't for one minute upset that this woman spoke to DS - that wasn't the issue at all! I like it when people talk to him - it's when they talk to him in a deliberately to criticize me that it bugs me. If you haven't got the courage to criticize me to my face then don't do it to my baby either! I always stop and chat with the many old people who live in our street and they talk to DS too. But stopping for a nice chat is a world away from being downright rude to somebody. Even DS was bothered by her snappy tone - he could tell that she was cross and for all he knew, she was being cross at him when he hadn't done anything wrong, poor little boy...

Mazzystar - Love your post -very succinct.

Tinkjon - are you sure she was being critical? If she really had a problem with it, wouldn't she have addressed her remark to you?

oh i hate this! i got it off an old lady about my buggy (quinny zapp) she told me the baby was asleep and i should lay her down i explained that the buggy i had didnt lay down and that the baby was fine, she was actually awake but she was tired, and just resting her head on the side of the buggy! her reply "oh i dont know why you young ones buy these modern prams, what is the point in having a pram that doesnt lay down? they dont make them like they used to you know, i had one of those big bouncy ones you dont see them anymore. it lasted all five of my kids you know........" i nodded politely untill the lift stopped made my excuses and ran!!

mil often liked to go on about my buggy too but has stopped since i said "well ill sell this one and you can give me the extra money to get the other one i wanted?"

They are only making conversation, it can be their way, silly sometimes but not meant in malice.

Does a little throwaway comment from an older person really bug you THAT much?

micci - don't you think that the lady was probably just concerned? It used to be recommended that babies under 6m were lay down flat to sleep to help support their spines. That was why a lot of strollers weren't recommended for babies under 6m. Perhaps she was just thinking about that. Maybe she was unaware that some strollers are designed to be suitable from birth nowadays.

yes she probably was or maybe just making conversation. dd2 was about 10 months at the time though. i understand that they are just trying to be helpfull but she picked on my sore point anyway with the buggy!

mil, the mad woman that she can be sometimes, thinks that i should stop using it 'for now' or sell it and use the one that sil bought second hand on ebay to go holiday with! (cheap plastic thing, wouldnt last five minutes of dd2s bouncing) and because she has gone abnd on so much dp has started to agree with her.

apparently dd2 is going to grow up with neck problems!

I know these comments (usually) aren't meant in malice and take the 'nod and smile' approach - but I do find it pretty bossy/irritating which is why I am indulging in a little light-hearted venting on MN!

No harm in a little mn venting, nicey, especially if it stops you snapping at "helpful" older people

No harm in venting, that's what MN is for to keep us away from venting at RL folk (and getting a slap in the face for our trouble).

Hopefully one day we will all be old and be able to offer all the MN advice to all the new young mums we meet. How happy they will be when we stop to pass our wisdom on.

Why? Because old people seem to lose a sense of what's best left unsaid - sadly it'll come to us all!

Being out with my MIL is like being out with a toddler - hushed stage whispers along the lines of "just look at her" which is equivalent to the toddler comment "why is that lady so fat?"

The people who say this stuff aren't trying to upset other people. They jsut don't realise they do!

I used to try to indulge them with their comments as far as possible. They were brought up with very different ideas on how to raise a child. Most old people love to see babies and some are incredibly lonely.

gagarin I'm sure that's true and words just pop out, as I said before, without engaging the brain sometimes.

I'm the same with facial expressions, sometimes I give far too much away! I have often thought about botox!

I said something (complimentary I thought)to a friend who had had a baby recently when I saw her in the street and a lady with her said 'How dare you!' Really it's a mine field. Whatever happened to community values?

snora - I agree. My mum spoke to a little girl in a supermarket one day. Just 'hello, that's a pretty dress' sort of stuff. The LO replied with 'go away you old witch'. Now if that had been my child I would have told her off severely and apologised. This mother just smirked. I suppose the mother might have taken mums comment as a critisism of her gender-stereotyping her child so appreciated the brisk no-nonsense reponse her child gave.

Just ignore if you construe it as rude. Otherwise smile.

Have just realised that I might be a busybody in waiting...eeekk....Anna888's post reminded me of my pathological need to lift up sleeping slumped babies I have never actually DONE it because common sense kicks in and I realise that the little one's mother can clearly see that they are drooping forward and if they needed to change they they could and would and anyway it's nothing to do with me...however my fingers are always itching to leap forwards and lift them up to a straighter sleeping position!

i can see myslef becojing one of these old ladies.
when i used to see a baby being fed, that was it. baby being fed.
now when i see a baby, i.e newbornish age being bottle fed, i judge, but keep my mouth shut, and face neutral. but i know there will come a time, when whilst i will be keeping my mouth shut, the face wont be neutral any more3.
fast forward a few years, and i will be asing why the baby cant have mothers milk.

Well you should definitely avoid that..my DD has hypotonia and couldn't latch on, so she was fed expressed milk in a bottle. I would have been very upset if someone had questioned me on it.

in fact I was upset thinking people might be judging me..but I told myself no, they wouldn't be..clearly they were though

HereComeTheGirls most people won't think twice about you bottle feeding - I certainly wouldnt.

thanks Niceychops, you are indeed nice(y)

nicey, you have to do what is best for you and your child. not to accomodate what some old biddy says.
i just pointng out that i can see myself losing a grip on social niceties when i am older. i think that just as we allow young kids a lot of leeway with their social skills, we should allow older people some leeway too.