DM's hurtful comment

[CoffeeAndHobnobs]

I am looking for advice on how to navigate a difficult dynamic with my mother regarding my sibling. My mother visited my house recently, and left me feeling hurt.

• Dynamic: My brother and I are estranged. He dislikes being told "no" and frequently oversteps boundaries; as a child, he always got his way to such an extent that he earned a nickname for it. He is a difficult character; for instance, he has recently reduced members of his staff to tears and upset others to the point of formal complaints.

My mother often relies on me for emotional support, frequently blowing up my phone with messages since she split from her partner. She constantly makes excuses for my db's behaviour despite our estrangement and how he has treated me.

Towards the end of my dm's visit, while my husband was with our dcs (including one who is AuDHD) in the next room, we had a conversation that felt deeply ambiguous. We were discussing my son’s AuDHD, and she pivoted to criticising me. When she mentioned my db thinks he has ADHD, I noted that I have traits, too. She replied, "I wish you would sort it out with him, I hate you not speaking, he has changed and is so nice to me." (He is in his 40s; she has used the "he has changed" narrative for years).

She told me, "I didn't like to say anything, but I knew there was something wrong with you when you were a child. You were just so shy, took what anybody said wrong, had no confidence, and I was going to take you to the doctors." She claimed that she "couldn't take me" because I would have been "too adamant or upset," so what could she do? When I replied that I had plenty of friends growing up and therefore couldn't have been "that bad," she ignored it.

Growing up it was never "okay to not be okay." Any healthy human response or perceived weakness was met with threats of taking me to the doctors, and my feelings were invalidated. I ended up masking and hiding behind a strong persona which I find difficult to let go of to this day. Dm is a very dramatic person who struggles with her own emotions, which I supported for years. I used to bring her tea in bed before school to try and please her, and I suspect she had depression as this went on for years. I was told I was the only one to come see her when she wasn't well, yet my db' was always pandered to; she had lots of time for him.

I often bought dm gifts, even as an adult who couldn't afford it as I was starting out in the world, trying to buy her love despite not having much money at the time. I was always called "so thoughtful." The first gift I ever gave her that I had bought myself out of my own pocket money and chosen off my own back as a small child she hated, and hid on top of a unit behind wardrobe sliding doors where it was inevitably knocked off and broken. In my young mind, I thought it would be put in the main room on display.

It always seems like I wasn't the "mini-me" daughter dm had envisioned, and I felt like a big disappointment throughout childhood. I was apparently an "easy" child who caused "no bother," but my feelings were consistently invalidated in favour of my brother's.

After dm left, she sent messages filled with love, red hearts, and thanks. She was cold for years, but now that she has split with her bf, and is worried about her own mortality, she has suddenly switched; this feels fake to me. This warmth feels inconsistent because she simultaneously minimises my experiences with my db, and implies there is "something wrong" with me. One minute she treats me as vulnerable, the next she reminds me how "strong" I am. I still mask around her, knowing that any information I share will get back to my brother, who loves drama and has a history of fabricating and exaggerating, creating a narrative that I am vulnerable.

When I raise issues regarding his behaviour in my own defence, she claims she is "not taking sides," yet implies the conflict is my fault for being "too sensitive." She acknowledges I have a lot to manage, including my own health and parenting, but she dismisses his hurtful actions by saying he "doesn't understand as he hasn't had much to deal with in life, doesn't have kids etc." It is extremely condescending. My dcs are confident and well adjusted little people who make me proud every day. I cannot imagine invalidating their feelings in any shape or form. There is a clear double standard: I am expected to be the resilient, capable one, while he is treated as though he never needs to take accountability.

My Questions:

• How do you stop seeking validation from a parent who uses "love bombing" to gloss over deeper issues?

• I don't want her not to see dcs, as their relationship is separate, and she is good with them. However, I am finding it difficult to see her myself. How have others navigated this?

Any advice on how to detach effectively would be greatly appreciated.

(Thank you for taking the time to read any of this).

You distance yourself a bit and see her less often. And your kids don't need to spend time with her, if she's toxic, why would you expose them to that?

I agree with last response. Reduce exposure by distancing yourself and your family.

Consider hard how she makes you feel as an adult. Do you want her having any power over making your dc feel similarly shite? I am nc with my dm (since 2012) and she most certainly doesn't see my dc..

Thank you for your replies. Dm has a good relationship with dcs, so that isn't toxic in any shape or form. If she was, she wouldn't be around them in any way. She sees them each school holiday with dh, and I present, as we tend to just have lunch or something.

I wouldn't say she is a toxic person, nor vindictive (very defensive and emotionally immature i would say), just very different to me, and a lot of traits I dislike that she has shown to me growing up. I don't think the relationship will ever progress between her, and I, especially with golden child in the picture, and him "commenting" and "manipulating" in the background.

I'm just looking for advice really, on how people navigate a situation with a delusional parent who thinks you can just jump into a disney relationship without any foundation. Do you grey rock? I need her to stop pretending it is something is isn't. She can see the kids and I can be civil.

Oh, and I am not sure what quite to do since her hurtful comment. Do I tell her, or just have more space than usual when she texts me?

Your DM and brother seem very narcissistic. I’d grey rock DM and stop being her emotional support. She’ll pick you when she needs you, then drop you like a hot stone. The cycle never ends, it’s draining. I’d seriously consider going NC.

Thank you, I definitely find myself falling into old habits of over sharing, and justifying. I need to practise grey rocking, and try to stick to it.
If it wasn't for the dcs I'd be even more low contact than we are. It is the delusion that gets me, how can dm convince herself there is anything other than a surface level relationship. She has even been hinting on going on holiday with us (not in so many words, but subtly hinting); it is madness. Yes when dm left I was so mentally drained I had to go to bed at the same time as dcs. I need to shorten her visit, as she sees them each school holiday and because it isn't often she'll stay for 4/5 hours, even 6 sometimes, and that's with me initiating her to be taken home.

Just to pick up on one small point and extend some sympathy to your mum for this bit. You say you think you have ADHD, so you know that comes along with rejection sensitivity. I can easily understand your mother therefore struggling with whether or not to take you to the doctors for this. Around 13/14 yo, parenting my own dd with probable adhd, was nigh on impossible, even with all the information we now have available, none for your mother. It was so hard to discipline bad behaviour because any slight hint of bad character for her was taken to such extreme levels by her. Knowing what I know now, I would never ever judge a parent getting the parenting of a ND wrong because it’s a mine field.

Dr Ramani is an expert, have a look at her videos on YT. There’s some very good videos about narcissistic mothers, it should help you understand there’s no way these people ever change. After her comment I’d go NC, but that’s just me. I went NC with my father in 2014 after an incident, he acted utterly disrespectful and said very hurtful things I thought to myself- enough is enough. My life has been so much better since. As hard and heartbreaking as it is, you’ve got to do everything you can to protect yourself and your DC. These toxic people get into your headspace and take up your precious time. Don’t waste it on wondering why she’s acting the way she is, their minds simply function differently to “normal” human beings. There’s no sense. They thrive in chaos and manipulations.

I appreciate your perspective, but I think there is a misunderstanding here. I wasn't a minefield to parent, and my mother actually freely admits that I was an exceptionally easy, quiet, independent and laid-back child who caused no bother. I had plenty of friends, succeeded academically, went to university, and held down jobs. I was never hard work.
My childhood strength and laid-back nature were not symptoms of neurodivergence; they were necessary survival strategies I developed because I had to manage adult responsibilities, like supporting dm's own mental health, from a young age. My focus now is simply on finding practical ways to manage her present day behaviour, specifically the inconsistency between her love bombing and her dismissiveness toward my boundaries.

Thank you so much, I will definitely take a look at those. I am sorry about what happened with your father, there is only so much you can allow. 💐
When you're happier in life, you know that struggling through just isn't worth it. I stay in contact for the sake of dcs, I do have a love for dm in a way, but I'm very conflicted in a nother. I think dm and db are very similar people unfortunately. The dynamic in my household wasn't tne healthiest to be honest.

I’m glad you can see the similarities.
I guess it’s harder to go NC with DM than a DB? Luckily my DB is nothing like my DF and we have great relationship. I went NC with my DF partially because I never wanted my DC to experience anything like I have had experienced as a child/ young adult. I was worried he’d blow up one day, when least expected, like he did the last time I saw him, 12 years ago.
I hope you enjoy dr Ramani YT videos, she’s so knowledgeable 🍀