Do you plan your social life around children, or expect them to fit in?

[Throwaway202]

Genuinely curious to see what others are like.

I went on a very large family vacation a few weeks ago. Most family members brought their kids. Ages ranged from babies to teenagers.

Some day activities were designed around kids interests such as the beach and others weren’t such as driving around for 5/6 hours but ultimately we all picked and chose what we wanted to do.

The night activities generally consisted of having a meal and then getting absolutely drunk as possible. Some of us had the meal and then left with our own kids but there was quite a few that essentially abandoned the kids to their own devices and got totally plastered. At one point they just walked out of their accommodation and left their kids (about 6 kids in total ranging from 7 to 15) with another family member without warning.

when confronted the response was “well we don’t fit our lives around the kids, they fit in amongst our lives”

They were happy to even have the kids left in their accommodation completely unsupervised all for the sake of a couple of drinks.

now I wouldn’t say I 100% live my life around my kids but they are my top priority. If I want a night out I make sure they are properly cared for and if that isn’t an option then I simply don’t go out.

I am however hearing a lot more people say similar about not giving up their lives for kids so really curious to know if that’s the way the world is going.

I haven't voted as I don't think that is a binary choice.

Obviously, as parents, your life is different from before you had dc, but our whole lives aren't planned around them. Sometimes they have not been able to do things because we had prior arrangement and couldn't take them. Or we worked so couldn't get them to a certain place at a tricky time or couldn't get to watch their assembly or sports day.
But equally there have also been lots of things we haven't been able to do since having dc because the practicalities just wouldn't work, or the finances wouldn't allow it.

All that said, I don't think the question particularly matches your question anyway. If I were going away as part of a larger group, I'd have only gone after sorting out what everyone's expectations were beforehand.

Nor would I go away with people that essentially abandoned the kids to their own devices and got totally plastered . Quite frankly, even before kids, I wouldn't go away with people whose idea of a good night out was to "get totally plastered". So I think that is a separate issue.

Yes i fit my life around my children, all decent parents do. Walking off and leaving your child without checking theres support in place is neglect.

I think a 15 year old is probably ok to babysit a seven year old so I'd struggle to get too outraged at them being left in the holiday apartment for a few hours.

Ages 7 to 15 with a relative in the house is totally OK. You're getting very worked up over nothing.

Parents are allowed to drink alcohol, in spite of what mumsnet thinks.

In terms of your general question, I think it depends on the age. Under 5s are generally so needy that it's easier to fit everything around them.

I always did a bit of both, some stuff for the children, some stuff for us. I’d go as far as to say that completely sacrificing your life so that your children can always do what they want is damaging to them. They need to grow up learning the concept of give and take, and not thinking that the world revolves around them.

Until my first child was born, I felt confident that she would fit into my life. Yep I worked out pretty soon she had different ideas!

I think most people try to get a balance of both things, but not everyone gets the balance right.

For me though, holidays are fun for me if they are fun for the kids. Seeing them have fun is what I enjoy. I wouldn’t get the same enjoyment out of doing stuff that wasn’t fun for them, even if it was stuff I wanted to do,

DH and I had plenty of adult holidays pre-kids and we will be able to have adult holidays again when they have grown up, so I’m happy for our holidays to be pretty tailored around the kids when they are this young. But neither of us really drink and a night getting plastered and ignoring the kids isn’t really on our holiday agenda. A meal out while a trusted adult looks after them, sure.

In general day to day life, there’s more of a balance as I have my own hobbies and interests, as does DH, so it’s not always the case the children’s wants automatically come above ours. Everyone needs to have their own stuff and sometimes there is a clash and someone has to miss out.

I think an important distinction is that you can have times where your kids fit into your social life but it's done so in a safe and responsible way.

I assume you were af a resort or in a villa or something if you were all on holiday together? I dont think id be particularly worried a out a batch of 7-15 yesr olds being left alone, assuming they are all relatively responsible. We have a similar holiday planned amd one of the things we are looking forward to is that even the younger cousins wi be able to enjoy a bit of independence, with, where necessary, older ones supervising. The younger kids are the ones MOST excited!

It isn't black and white. I think there has to be a balance and either extreme likely isn't a great idea for both parents and DC.

My experience of ‘the kids fit into our lives’ people is they expect the children to join in with whatever they are doing (museums, music festivals, pubs whatever) and think pictures of kids asleep under coats at adult events is ‘an amazing opportunity’ and ‘real life experience’. I find this very selfish but not actively neglectful.

What you’re describing is just neglect. It’s ’we live our lives and the kids happen to be there. Other responsible adults/older children ensure they don’t actually die’

I planned my life around the kids, if nothing else it made it easier FOR ME

Anything else is selfish and stupid. It doesn't mean you don't have a life, but you just organise it by planning for the kids first.

Its a bit of both for most parents surely? Sometimes you do things for your children and other times you do things for you. And if you have more than one child then some things are for one child but not the others. For instance today I took both children to a bbq for OH's friend's birthday where DS had his friends to play with but DD didn't - it was boring for her but she was a polite guest and talked to the adults a bit, just like I did when my parents took me to their social stuff.

A bit of both.

i see we have the MN throwing around words like neglect and selfish arseholes out already

Parents are allowed to drink alcohol, in spite of what mumsnet thinks.

Nobody has said they aren't.
There is a world of difference between having a few beers or some wine or a G&T or whatever takes your fancy, and "getting plastered".

I am however hearing a lot more people say similar about not giving up their lives for kids so really curious to know if that’s the way the world is going.

The way the world is going is going people aren’t having dc in the first place.

Both, same as any other relationship. I mean, “social life’ is a broad term and I don’t hugely enjoy spending time with other people, but I plan my life around them and they also have to fit around my life.

I’ve done lots of travelling, for instance, and dc have both come with me, not kiddie resort trips, but nice restaurants and museums and markets and were expected to just fit in, and I’ve left them home and gone solo travelling. I’ve had a busy career with lots of long days. And I’ve had lots of flexibility to be home with them.

Dh and I both bring them along when we see friends sometimes and we leave them home. We both also have expensive and time consuming hobbies, but also devote a lot of time to theirs (I have one dc who competes nationally in a sport, for example). You have to be flexible and family life and dc’s wellbeing is a priority, but I’ve never given up myself and Dh and I support each other to have lots of time for ourselves. No one is out partying til 3am and not getting up with the kids the next day, but we have careers we value and we travel and spend time on our hobbies away from just being a parent.

This is my attitude too, especially on holiday. I have friends who think their kids can only go to theme parks and water parks and not eg a museum, but if you take them along from a young age they are genuinely interested and curious. I consider part of my job as a parent is to teach them to compromise. Obviously this is absolutely not the same as leaving them to get drunk… we do have a social life, but the kids are appropriately looked after whilst it’s happening!

Thanks for all responses. I’m not sure how to reply individually but will do a generic response.

so it was essentially in a large holiday complex and we all had rented a range of places 2-5 bedroom little apartments/houses within the complex. We weren’t all right next to each other but no more than a couple min walk to get from one to the other.

i do agree with trying to get the best of both worlds. In hindsight I should have had that option. I don’t think anyone should give up themselves completely for kids. Likewise with having a social life.

we had made plans well in advance. Even had some nights out planned where it was split fairly eg all wives go out one night then the next the husbands go out so kids were always looked after or we had a bit of a gathering together in one of the larger houses. However that changed once we got there. First 2 nights were ok but afterwards it all went downhill as certain couples didn’t want to split up and miss out on fun and therefore just headed off regardless.
The night where they were left with a relative. She literally walked in their door, as most of us were going to their place while some people went out to see. They seen her, confirmed she was staying in and said “oh great you’ll be able keep an eye on the kids and walked out” she wasn’t asked or had any warning and didn’t want to leave the kids alone

i suppose for me I don’t mind anyone having a drink. I like a drink myself. Even if they want to have a wild night. I just don’t understand doing it and not having the kids properly looked after. Yes there was an older kid but she didn’t sign up for being the main babysitter and I thought it was quite unfair on her as she had to look after another 5 kids.