Struggling with my eight year old's aggressive behaviour and constant demands

[azurelione]

Hi I am just looking for advice.
My 8 year old is out of control, I get called a b daily, told to shut my mouth. He will demand money off me constantly for Xbox and will wear me down till I say yes.

I am running out of options, I have tried therapy, he is currently on a autism/ADHD referral waiting list but what does that do? no confirmed diagnosis is going to make this behaviour be dismissed.

I’ve confided in his dad, his dad has told me he’s good as gold there and does nothing out of line. As soon as he gets home from his dads he will let out all his emotions on me

he doesn’t even have a conversation anymore with me unless it’s a swear word, want or a demand
i am really struggling does anyone have any advice on what path I can go down?

Step 1...the games console needs to go.

Id start by keeping a record of when things are happening. You need to identify the trigger points. Is it transitions, hunger, sensory overload ect. Knowing the triggers will help you to catch things before they start.

My DD, suspected autism and adhd, flash point is bedtime. Its worse if she had screen time or if people at school have been mean. I can tell.whay school day shes had just by how she walks back from school. I can tell of she's dysregulated because he movement are more pronounced, sharper and erratic. So I know I need to do work with her. We keep a diary she writes about her day, draws a picture, we move a lot to get it out. No screen time after 6.30.

I wouldnt ever give in to bullying or abusive behaviour. Your teaching him that if he kicks off, he gers what he wants. Swear at me for money for Xbox would result in Xbox removal. Although,I find a calm approach works best with my DD. I always apply consequence and discuss the meltdown in calmer moments. Its okay to ne xyz bug its not okay to swear, hit spit.

'I’ve confided in his dad, his dad has told me he’s good as gold there and does nothing out of line. As soon as he gets home from his dads he will let out all his emotions on me'

Is dad reliable, how do you get on? Can you both agree the same boundaries for DS to stick to in both homes?

Be the parent, make the rules and stick to them. Why are you giving an eight year old money for Xbox, I never gave my children any money for gaming or whatever they want money for Xbox for. He’s learning that if he keeps on at you he can wear you down, don’t let him, ffs an eight year old. You’re creating a monster for what you perceive as an easy life by giving him what he wants. Take the Xbox away and tell him he can earn its return by not swearing at you or being disrespectful to you. The moment he starts again take the console again. He’s eight, god help you when he’s older if you don’t get a grip on this now. You’re his mother not his mate.

Get rid of the Xbox. He’s 8, fgs.

I expect you are a little frightened of him OP? Is he very big for his age? This isn’t going to get better with time though, he’s going to get bigger and at the moment he’s learning that if he uses threats, he gets what he wants.

I agree with writing down a log of what he’s doing and how it affects his behavior. Obviously the XBox seems to be causing meltdowns but you might spot causes.

My DC2 has a diagnosis of AuDHD and for them the school holidays were much better, especially as our work allowed for us to be home most of the time but for some ND DC the change in routine can be hard to deal with and can cause upset.

And you’re right, having a diagnosis won’t change anything but it may help you both to understand why he behaves as he does?

It might be also worth talking to his DF about what happens there. Does he have access to his XBox when he’s with his DF? Does he get more exercise there?

If ADHD is suspected does he get much exercise?

How is his speech and understanding?

And does he have an ECHP? He doesn’t need a diagnosis for this as they are based on need rather than diagnosis so, if he doesn’t have one this is a good time to apply.

Does he have an x box at dad’s?
I agree, money for the x box should be a treat not an everyday thing, especially for bad behaviour

He is seeking boundaries to feel secure. He needs some strict rules and firm talking to and you can't back down again, ever. Agree Xbox needs to be earnt back and limits set on it when he does earn it back.

I think I'd say well if he behaves for his dad then he can spend a lot more time with him. Time for his dad to step up.

I have an 8 yr old boy, if he treated me like that the xbox would be chucked out in the garden and he would be read the riot act - no treats/money until he speaks with some respect and has earnt it. Think when he's a massive 16 yr old and treating you and other girls like this. Also get his dad to tell him, in no uncertain terms, this is not how men behave and he needs to treat his mother with some respect. United front - he gets no treats from dad until he starts behaving properly towards you.

Just wanted to add that you’ve probably tried a lot of things already and discovered that tactics that work for a NT DC, just don’t work for a ND DC.

There is a SN section where you’ll get responses from MNers who have ND DC. The posts don’t show up in the main boards so they’re less busy but usually more helpful.

If you’re looking for techniques to help you, have you read 19 days to a less defiant child?

He's young to have an Xbox OP and I think that is causing a lot of these problems. I would either get rid of it or have rules around how much time he's allowed to spend on it. If he swears at you he loses time.

I am running out of options, I have tried therapy, he is currently on a autism/ADHD referral waiting list but what does that do? no confirmed diagnosis is going to make this behaviour be dismissed

A confirmed diagnosis doesn't absolve you of parenting responsibility either. It's entirely possible to be both autistic and a rude, entitled shit because mummy keeps giving into you and lets you do entirely age-innappropriate things.

Get that Xbox gone, he's 8 not 13. When you say no, mean no.

And for goodness sake, woman up. If one of mine demanded money and swore at me over an xbox, said xbox would be sailing out of the window so bloody fast i'd probably break the sound barrier. Same with anuthing that was the source of demands.