I really need help- I don’t know what to do

[lossofjoy]

I screamed at my dd4.5 tonight. I pushed her back from me. I just lost it.

i am overstimulated, exhausted, mentally drained. It’s half term and i dread every day. My DD is hard work. Other DC is a lot older but has ADHD and autism and I’m starting to think DD is showing the exact same signs.

The defiant behaviour, the outrageous emotional outbursts, the whinging. She won’t do anything she is asked to do. Even when trying to make it fun, or a game. Giving her a choice or thinking she is in control. Even when desperately bribing her. It’s a no. Nothing works. She is so so difficult.

Refuses bed time. Every single night. She has had the same bedtime routine since she was a baby. She doesn’t have screens unless we watch a movie together. She plays and has a great imagination. She can be such a joy but only when she’s getting her way or doing what she wants to do. When it’s time to pack away or stop then the meltdowns come. And these aren’t usual tantrums; these last for hours sometimes.

Tonight she had a bath, we read our books and got into bed. She then said she’s not going to bed as it’s boring. I reminded her that we are out all day tomorrow, and she needs a good sleep. I even ended up saying if she doesn’t go to bed, then we won’t be able to be up early to go out. Still refuses, whinging, screaming that she won’t go to bed.

I could feel myself getting irate, so I calmly tell her that I’m leaving the bedroom for a moment. She follows. I tell her that mummy just needs a moment and she is still screaming at me. And I just lost it. I shouted at her to get back into bed, she said no and tried to get out of the bedroom so I pushed her back. It shocked her, as it did me. But I feel so guilty. She still screamed and shouted at me, telling me she isn’t sleeping.

My husband came back from the gym and has taken over. I am sat here just absolutely broken. This isn’t the mum I want to be. I feel like I could just snap at any given moment.

I am not working but currently on a full time placement as I’m doing a PGCE. Teaching is hard and yes I am tired but this can’t be why I feel so stressed and broken all the time?

I don’t feel suicidal but I do feel like I cannot live like this. I don’t want to be this type of mum where I just break and snap. I don’t have any patience anymore.

I had such a joyous time before dd started school and I started my PGCE. We spent every day together and she wasn’t like this then. She’s dramatically changed since starting school.

What do I do? I feel like I want to get away. I feel numb, guilty, broken, withdrawn. I don’t like spending my time with dd because everyday is just a battle. I’ve tried so many parenting techniques but nothing works she is just utterly relentless.

This morning, like every morning, started off bad because a paper party plate she was playing with got food on it and she had a meltdown for about an hour. She said she had to get dressed again and start the day again. This isn’t normal behaviour is it?? For a 4 year old? She then proceeded to take her clothes off and then put them back on again. She was still not happy re the plate and I don’t even know what I did then to get her out of this almighty meltdown.

i know I shouldn’t have pushed her tonight and I feel sick that I’ve done it. But I feel scared that I did it? Like how could I do that to my little girl. I’m so disappointed in myself. I’ve never been aggressive, I hate anything like that. But I’m turning into the worst version of myself I have ever known. What is happening to me, what can I do??

You are a person too.
you need a break from her; can you access more childcare?

What's happening to you is that your doing a very difficult, stressful and relentless thing (parenting) and also seem to be setting yourself an impossibly high standard. No one is perfect all the time. She pushed for the boundary and she found it.

First post nails it - you are human too. Rupture and repair. 'I'm sorry I pushed you, I shouldn't have done that. I was feeling frustrated because you refused to go to bed and I worry you'll be tired.'

Don't be so hard on yourself

Agree with PP, you are a person too, being a Mum doesn't automatically make you mother Teresa. You mention your husband getting back from the gym, how often do you do bedtime, do you get a break? Challenging intense children push all our buttons and we need a break. And half term means a change in routine which can be difficult for kids to cope with.

Children and parents need a bit more resilience. Sh*t happens.

You had a reaction to a stressful situation. Apologise and demonstrate how to repair relationships with your daughter.

Could it be she isn't tired? My 4.5 Yr old imly gets to sleep by 9.30 since the clocks changed. We've tried to bring it earlier but he just can't get to sleep. I am hoping it gets earlier ehen he starts school, though!

Do you have a yoto or similar, or something you could play stories on to help calm her/occupy her for a bit before she sleeps?

Could you schedule proper breaks for yourself too, to switch off or do a hobby maybe, see friends or just nap to catch up on sleep.

Have you had any counselling yourself, or would you consider this?

I am sure you will know, but if she does have a neurodivsersity it is normal for children to 'mask' their symptoms somewhat at school, and this can lead to an increase in difficult behaviours at home. Has she been referred for any assessments/additional support?

what about the children’s Dad?

My husband works horrendous hours at the moment as he is self employed and we are only living off his wage while I am doing my PGCE- which I am really enjoying I may add. He went to the gym this evening, I didn’t think bedtime was going to go to bad and he came home straight away when I said what had happened.

I have emailed her teacher (I know it’s half term but I said in subject it can wait for Monday). She did mention she was very emotional during the last week but put it down to being tired.

I know I’m human too. I just have never been like this before and it seems to be increasing.

You’re human and things happen - we can’t be perfect all the time and she pressed your buttons. A PGCE drains even the most resilient person it is very much working, there’s a reason why a high percentage don’t go into teaching. It’s like a full time job and studying when you’re on placement.

Be gentler to yourself. Your DD will also be tired and the hot weather is really trying on all of us. Do something for yourself this evening - you can not keep pouring from an empty pot - have a bath, read a book watch something. Then repair tomorrow - no I shouldn’t have pushed you and I’m sorry,
but I was worried you weren’t going to get enough sleep. Talk to your other half later about how you feel and then work together to come with a plan. If she is calmer for him at bedtimes - pass them over for a bit and you do something else. Talk to the school if the behaviour has ramped up at home and if you suspect ND, start looking at assessments. Every single parent has lost it/felt at breaking point at some point or if they haven’t they’re either lying to themselves or have produced the perfect children! DD1 used to push and push buttons until I snapped and then would stop - she hadn’t read the manuals - it became easier to snap (and controlled snap) earlier as we didn’t have to go through the how far can I push it tonight!

I don’t like spending my time with dd because everyday is just a battle. I’ve tried so many parenting techniques but nothing works she is just utterly relentless.

Give yourself a break and let her have some screentime. This goes against all parenting common sense but if it's already this bad, how much worse can it be? ADHD kids need a level of dopamine to stay regulated and sometimes sheer boredom can trigger worse behaviour. She may also need some sort of special interest or hobby or "rabbit hole" to keep her mind distracted. Give her the opportunity to find a game, series, creator or characters that she likes.

I'll die on the hill that ND children (and adults) thrive when they are allowed the freedom of being online. They find things that interest them and help them regulate their emotions. This obviously does not mean extreme unlimited screentime, but being able to comfort watch a show or play a game is immensely helpful. Even at that age, there are many app store games that don't require any language (eg. Toca World, Avatar World).

If you need more justification, just ask yourself if an hour of iPad is worse than potentially killing yourself? The answer should be totally obvious. You are committed to being a good mum which is already better than 20% of all families who are abusive on a criminal level (statistically proven). The next 20% are probably borderline abusive, not enough to get sent to jail but neglectful enough to make their child's life miserable. So your daughter is already in a better place than nearly half of all kids. Letting her have some screentime so you can regulate your MH is the least of all evils in the bigger picture.

If you really don't want screentime but are willing to spend money, let her have new toys. It's definitely cheaper than paying weekly for a psychiatrist. Get her things that have a longer playtime such as Legos, craft kits, dollhouses etc, rather than stuffed toys or single items with no longevity. She is not going to become a spoiled brat because you let her have a new toy so you can calm yourself down and drink a coffee in peace. Children at that age live in the moment and will change immensely later on. At 8 or 10, you can easily explain that she can't have xyz and she'll be able to accept that rationally. Don't make your own life any harder right now than it already is.

Lots of ADHD kids have delayed sleep disorder so they genuinely find it hard to go to bed at a "normal" time. Instead of sticking with the same bedtime routine, push it back 1-2 hours and just see how it goes.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re human, parenting is hard and you feel sorry about what happened. As others have said, apologise and move on.
I’m guessing that she might be in Reception. In my experience some children start to feel a bit unsettled going into the last few weeks of their first year in school because there’s talk (potentially at home and school) about getting ready to move on to the next year group. Some children are understandably upset at the idea of losing the bond with their teachers and nursery nurses because it’s all they’ve known in school and now they’re going on to the mysterious Year 1. Could this possibly be bothering her? There’s a lovely book called Ruby’s Worry about talking about worries rather than bottling them up. It’s really good for this age group.
I’m possibly way off the mark but wondered if this could be bothering her. I hope that whatever the reason things soon settle down. You sound like a brilliant mum so please don’t beat yourself up.

We found 5 very hard although he seems somewhat better (I say this having been away for work a few days and my partner desperate for my train to get in...).

Mine is a bit older but sounds like they are both year R. I think most parents are struggling with this age if it makes you feel better.

I eventually had to tell mine what a mandatory reporter is. Our neighbor is a teacher, and I told mine if he kept screaming down the house and hurting us that our neighbor might need to call it in. He already understands social workers because his friends mum is one.

Thank you.

She is at a small local indi, and you could possibly be right. She loves her teacher. We have that book, I will get it out and start reading it to her a little more often.

Some days she does a club after school, she could very well be tired too. But I do have a feeling there’s something more going on. The defiance and the meltdowns over the smallest things are so very intense. I am exhausted.

@lossofjoy really sorry you're having such a hard time.

Agree with a previous poster about maybe tweaking bedtime a bit, esp with the lighter nights.

And with another about toys - my son is 6, he's autistic and we've found Playmobil really helps him regulate - he's always loved it from when he was 3/4 but he's still really into it. He'll get home from school, strip off his uniform and will do a set up and game he's had planned out in his head. Often he does the same set up and game day after day for weeks before changing things up a bit. I think the control of setting it all up exactly how he wants, the repetition of the story etc, really helps him. We also try and get fresh air somewhere in the afternoon/evening, like a walk or a play in the garden.

He doesn't have a tablet (we're worried about him getting fixated, as his fixations can get very intense) but he does watch telly (scooby doo and Shaun the sheep mostly) We find telly in the morning helps keep the routine as he'll turn that off much easier than leave a game behind.

For bed time we do a really repetitive routine - supper, books downstairs, stories in bed after teeth brushing and one of us stays until he's asleep. It's much better now but still has phases of being VERY stressful if he can't wind down.

I know what you mean about realising things aren't right - when ds was 2 he had a meltdown about tissue going in the bin "wrong" and tried to take everything out of the bin so he could then put it all back in "properly" 😬

Thank you everyone. My husband has taken dd out for the day today so I’ve just been chilling. In silence. Back to school Monday. Have emailed her teacher and then also got in touch with my GP too. App for 4 weeks away 🫣

Aside from the push which obviously wasn't great. Seems your DD behaviour is what's causing the issue. Did you follow through with the consequence? You said if she didn't go to bed you wouldn't be able to go out? I'd have probably been more specific than what you said, something like if you aren't in bed by (specific time) and stay in it then we will not be going out tomorrow. If you can improve her behaviour perhaps you won't end up feeling the same overwhelm again.

Unfortunately my husband has taken her out all day; they are still out now. We are usually really good at following through with consequences though. I have looked back at my last blood test which was a year ago; I went due to be extremely tired etc and my ferritin was 15 and my Haemoglobin was 120…. Being very symptomatic I’m unsure why my GP didn’t start me on iron. I guess I’ll find out what those levels are in a few weeks time.