What role do you feel a partner should have in children’s lives?

[CaribbeanChaos]

I’ve been wondering this for a while and would love to get people’s thoughts on this.

What role do you think a “step parent” should have? I use the term lightly.

How long do you think a couple should be together before the other person has an involvement with the children?

Do you have to be married to care for the children?

Do you have to be living together?

Can you care for children if you’ve only been together for 6 months? Would you take them to the cinema if their parent was working?

Can/should you be involved in decisions if you’re living together?

Can/should you take the children places as you would your own?

I’m secure in how we have blended our family but I do read a lot of posts where people say the girlfriend/partner/wife shouldn’t be involving themselves and I wonder where these beliefs come from. I also listen to friends who have issues with the bio parent for many different reasons.

I’m genuinely interested to see what people think.

I think a bio mum will have different thoughts because in their head they’re the mum and I’d guess it’s very difficult to hear of someone else filling/ trying to fill/ performing duties relating to that role with your ex there. I think on mn people are harsh on step parents because they can’t imagine this being the case/ have had to live it and can’t accept their ex is parenting with anyone else

I split with my exH when my DD was seven. She's 14 now. I would never let a 'partner' care for her! She's never met anyone I've been seeing. I would never in a million years move a man into the house while she is living here

If I had been seeing someone a long time (nearish a year, I suppose) then I might introduce them to her (although the situation would need to be right)

The main thing is that the parenting is the parent's job not a step parent

Far too many men will unload their job onto a new partner so they can go off and do what they want to do instead of being a parent

what do you mean “in their head they’re the mum”? That’s because they are the mum. Whilst the person their fathers has chosen to be with might be involved they will never be “mum”

I think it's different for every family. Some people can be very child oriented, and quickly become a step-parent type figure. Is this right? Unless they have nefarious intentions then I don't see a problem. Any friendly interested adult is good for kids in my opinion.

But then there are downsides. What if the new partner has bad intentions? You're unlikely to suss that out within a few months of knowing them. Some monsters hide in plain sight (and I'm not just talking about men).

Also, what if the partner is amazing with your kids and they quickly form a strong bond, then the adult relationship dissolves? Not ideal either.

It depends on what everyone is comfortable with.

I think almost ignoring kids you’ve lived with and known for 10 years, and refusing to ever go out of your way for them, would be odd and unreasonable.

Equally I think launching into expecting them to be a third parent and have ‘duties’ is too much.

I think it’s impossible to have a set rule because what works for one family absolutely won’t for another.

DH was widowed when DS1 was 18 months old. My ex first walked away from our girls when they were 6 months old and by the time they started school they hadn’t seen him for over a year. Now in their mid twenties they probably saw 15/20 times in their lives.

So when DH and I blended our families we did so with no other partners involved. DS1 asked to call me Mum when he was 10. My girls have had a nickname for DH for a similar length of time.

We were very considerate of DH’s in laws, and we’ve been very lucky as they’re incredibly supportive. We have such a good relationship that I recently went on a weekend away with MIL, DH’s MIl (who calls herself my Other-MIL), and DH’s two sisters in law, BIL’s wife and his late wife’s sister.

We parent all the children in the same way (having hashed out the non-negotiables before living together) and view all the kids as ours equally.

However, our way absolutely wouldn’t work for all families.

Whysnothingsimple

I meant that just worded poorly

edited to add, I have 4 kids and am with my dh but we are going through difficulties that’s the pov I was going from.

I met dh two years after I split from dc dads. We dated for about 9m before he met kids and then for about 1.5 years we gradually increased time together until dh moved in. Parenting was very much my responsibility but as time passed dh did naturally take on more parenting. Particularly in teen years when dc could choose more . By the time they reached adulthood they really did see him as a dad. To the point that when dd gets married she wants dh and her dad to walk her down the aisle.
Her dad was the opposite, went from 40/60(me) to 30/70 to occasional weekends to seeing them a few times a year.