Advice needed on two year old's aggressive behaviour at nursery

[ThePoisedOpalBird]

I'm looking for a bit of advice and some perspective.

I have a beautiful 2 year old (young end of 2) who is a typical 2 year old in terms of tantrums, pushing boundaries etc. But we are having a real issue with behaviour at nursery.

He has recently been put on a ABC evaluation due to the number of incidents of him being 'handsy'.

He has been on it a week and I think we already have 10 incidents on there and he only goes 3 days a week! 7 of which were yesterday! They are keeping him on the plan for a month and then we will discuss if they have found triggers.

My worry is so far they all appear unprovoked! He is literally walking up to other kids and shoving them over, kicking them, trying to hit them with his water bottle (which is a very solid insulated bottle!) and he is apparently smiling as he does these things.

He had a new baby brother arrive 3 months ago and we have assumed this is the reason for the behaviour but I am not really experiencing this at home to the level nursery is. He is lovely with his brother 99% of the time.

I want to support nursery and obviously I don't want him to keep hurting other children! Could this really just be because of his baby brother? If so how long is it likely to last? Is there anything I can do at home to help nursery? I am dreading his review in a few weeks and them saying they haven't found any triggers.

I’d want to know what nursery are going to try and distract him from these behaviours. That a lot of incidents, are they just waiting for them to happen?

Unfortunately the nursery will ask you to remove him if things don’t improve soon as they’ll no doubt be inundated with other parents threatening to do the same if the problem isn’t resolved.

You may want to consider being proactive and moving him yourself before that happens and see if he responds more appropriately in a new environment.

I think the issue is he isn't showing any signs before he does it. He is just happily walking up to others seeming like he is going over there to play and then he is shoving them to the floor or/and kicking them.

I don't work in a nursery so obviously i'm not sure how it all works but I know the ratio for 2 year old is something like 1:5 so it can't be easy to pre-empt his actions constantly as they would be blocking every social interaction as he isn't appearing aggressive when he does it.

If they kick him out I will just keep him at home. There are no other spaces at the other nursery.

I am very concious they may ask him to leave if it doesn't improve but I don't know how to help them improve it.

What does their plan involve? Ok they are observing and evaluating but to what end? What strategies have they put in place ? Does he need more supervision? Direction? Distraction? What are they actually doing about it? You can’t address his behaviour at home at that age. You can’t be there to supervise or correct in the moment. So what are they expecting you to do?

With this many incidents, is there really no pattern? Time of day , specific children or situations etc.?

For now , all you can do at home is reinforcing things like kind hands, being careful, gentle , no running inside etc. You could try some basic social stories/roleplaying. Reward/praise/make a big fuss over wanted behaviours like being gentle/careful.

How is his speech? His motor skills?

I think at the moment its mainly observing as thats what the ABC thing is. I think the intention is at the end of the month we will have a meeting to gp through all the incidents and see what triggers etv there are. But so far from what they have said it is totally random. He isn't showing any signs hes about to be agressive. He just walks up to people happily and is then aggressive.

So far he hasn't shown any patterns so no specific child or situation. He does it to girls, boys, toddlers and babys.

The only thing we have noticed is they mainly seem to occur when he is inside so I do wonder if its a bordom thing.

His speech is getting there and his motor skills are great (besides being reluctant to walk when we are out and about) but he can climb etc amazingly (a bit too well)

Who is looking after the new baby? Is he also at nursery?

New baby is only 3 months so not at nursery. He is with me.

How does he do on the 27 and 30 month ASQ? How's his speech and understanding? Sometimes these behaviours are down to a speech or development delay and the associated frustration.

We still haven't even had the questionaire yet and hes almost 27 months so I have no idea yet. I am hpping they will send it through soon!

His speech is improving really well he is putting words together more now. Nursery say his understanding is great. At home its 50/50 but I think its more how much he actually wants to do as I have asked rather than not understanding.

I am really hoping it is a phase but it will be sad if he gets kicked out as he seems to enjoy going.

Why is your toddler not at home with you as well then? There’s no need for him to be in nursery, especially as he clearly isn’t coping with it.

Why is he carrying his water bottle around with him? Could you swap it for a plastic one?

He was at nursery before the baby was born. I didn't think changing up his routine when things have already changed so much especially just to put him back in again when his brother starts.

He also struggles enough with being at home due to baby needing lots of breastfeeding and holding. I personally thought keeping him somewhere he can play with others would be more beneficial than him craving attention from me 7 days a week. He only goes to nursery 3 days a week.

They have open access to their water bottles at nursery. I will discuss with them if they want it to be changed. I prefer the insulated ones as nursery gets very hot so it keeps his drink cool. But of course not if he is going to use it to hit others!

Change his water bottle in the meantime. Give him a soft plastic one and tell him why.

What is the C - consequence the nursery uses?
Sometimes it’s the consequence that drives the behaviour eg does he get attention, does he get time out (and to avoid stuff he doesn’t want to do)?

They dont do time out (which is fine neither do I) they do redirection so he gets removed from whatever area he is and redirected to a different activity.

I'm not sure he will understand why or care for that matter but I do agree for the safety of others it is a good idea.

Just ask nursery to refill his water bottle or change the water at lunch.

Yeah I will discuss with nursery when he is next in. I'm sure they would prefer it anyway. I was surprised when they initially said they didn't mind him having a heavy insulated bottle

Eeeesh some of the comments you've had don't seem fair..

'Why dont you look after him, whilst juggling a baby at home' 🫠 come on! That doesnt exactly solve it, and you are right toddlers get so much more from playing with other children / doing activities that can be set up you dont have time for etc

To answer your question, children like routine, his little world has been entirely shaken up by a new baby and its his way of expressing the frustration, 2 year old struggle dealing with emotions at this age. I have been in a similar boat with my little girl pinching other children, and sometimes hitting them unprovoked (older 2) and this is without a new baby in the mix, but highly likely due to pregnancy. Its mortifying and upsetting, I totally get it. She has also done it when ive taken her out to play centres etc.

I am very fortunate that nursery have been fully supportive and understand that it is likely a phase and they are fully aware 2 year old dont have a developed brain like we do and act out.

It will pass... these phases always do, I promise. Its an awful phase, but my advice would be to continue to show your little boy all the love and support that you possibly can. We recently had a lot of 1-1 time with my little girl on a family holiday, it seems to have helped, albeit not fully addressed yet, perhaps the reassurance she needed that we weren't going to abandon her!

Thank you! I needed to hear that.

It is highly unlikely he’ll be asked to leave, if it’s a half decent nursery. It is very common for two year olds to be handsy and aggressive. My son had a phase of biting which wasn’t very pleasant but they do outgrow it.

In the meantime it is damage limitation really. I know with ds I could never relax and chat to another parent at soft play or playgroups or anything; I just had to follow him and grab him if it looked like he was going to go on the attack.

I’ll just reiterate, it’s really common. They are learning what gets a reaction and with limited language skills it comes out physically. It does not mean you’re raising the next Norman Bates.

You can just Google it.

Here's the links:

https://www.wchc.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/27-month-questionnaire-ASQ-3-BE-Av.-1-1.15.Normalised.pdf

https://www.wchc.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/30-month-questionnaire-ASQ-3-BE-Av.-1-1.15.Normalised.pdf

The HV will also likely do an ELIM speech checker - How many words does your son say from this list? It has to be that exact word rather than a variation, which I found strange.

https://solent-family-assist.custhelp.com/euf/assets/images/Answer_Mailing_Content/Answer_ID-93/ELIM-Word-List.pdf

What about the parents of this kids he keeps hurting. Will they not demand he gets removed due to the frequency of the hitting?

I am pleased it sounds like it is a common phase even if its a very unpleasant one! Ill take tantrums over the unpredictable violence.